Best Of LaffGaff - Funny Clean Jokes
LaffGaff is all about funny clean jokes and over time we've published thousands of them. And we thought it was time we put together a compilation of some of our favorite ones, so you can enjoy them all in one place.
And so we proudly present our best funny clean jokes...
The guy who invented Systane had his funeral today.
There wasn't a dry eye in the house.
I got fired from my job as a taxi driver.
It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.
I asked my Mom if I was ugly.
She said, "I told you not to call me Mom in front of people."
My Dad said to me, "Son, I wanted you to know you were adopted."
I shouted, "You're kidding! Really?"
He said, "Yes. Get your things together, they're coming to pick you up in an hour."
I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn.
It doesn't cure it but it keeps the bed sheets off my legs at night.
How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just compliment it and then get mad when it won't screw.
My girlfriend said to me, "I'm sick of you pretending to be a detective. I think we should split up."
I said, "Good idea - we can cover more ground that way."
I have an EpiPen.
My friend gave it to me as he was dying.
It seemed very important to him that I have it.
Thank you student loans for getting me through college.
I don't think I can ever repay you.
I started a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body.
Men are so polite, they only look at the other 10%.
Why do Native Americans hate snow?
Because it's white and settles on their land.
There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people in Dubai don't like The Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi dooooo.
My astronaut girlfriend has dumped me.
She said she needs space.
I've fallen in love with a pencil and we're getting married.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.
A boy scout says to his scout leader, "Sir, is this snake poisonous?"
The scout leader says, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all."
So the boy picks up the snake which bites him, and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror.
The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."
A man walks into a library and asks the librarian, "Do you have that book for men with small penises?"
The librarian checks her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."
The man replies, "Yes, that's the one."
Alabama changed the drinking age to 34.
They want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
Not all math puns are bad.
Why are gay men so well dressed?
They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.
I tried to change my password to "14days".
The computer said it was two week.
Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates.
They'll kill your dog.
Every single morning I get hit by the same bike.
It's a vicious cycle.
My wife asked me to pass her lip balm.
I gave her superglue instead.
She's still not talking to me.
What do skinny jeans and cheap hotels have in common?