Funny banjo jokes and one liners have long been popular among other musicians. And we apologize in advance if you happen to be a banjo player and don’t like banjo jokes!
But absolutely no offence is intended, and so here’s a collection of our favorite banjo jokes.
What’s the difference between a chain saw and a banjo?
You can always tune up the chain saw.
Why did the Boy Scout take up the banjo?
Because they make good paddles.
One day a bunch of terrorists hijacked a plane full of banjo players who were on their way to a banjo convention.
The terrorists told authorities that unless their demands were met they would start releasing the banjo players.
What’s the difference between a banjo and an Uzi submachine gun?
An Uzi only repeats 40 times.
How can you tell if there’s a banjo player at the door?
He can’t find the key or he doesn’t know when to come in.
Why is the banjo player a fiddle player’s best friend?
Because without him, the fiddle would be the most hated instrument on earth.
What’s the definition of a perfect pitch?
Throwing a banjo into the toilet without hitting the seat.
How can you tell the difference between all the banjo songs?
By their names.
What’s the difference between a macaw and a banjo?
One is loud, obnoxious and noisy, the other is a bird.
How do you get a million dollars?
Start off with two million dollars and buy a banjo.
What do you call twenty banjo players buried up to their necks in sand?
Not enough sand.
What do you call a beautiful woman on a banjo player’s arm?
What’s the definition of a gentleman?
Someone who can play the banjo but doesn’t.
Why do musicians leave their banjo on the dashboard?
So that they can park in handicap spaces.
What’s the difference between a hedgehog that’s been run over and a banjo that’s been run over?
The hedgehog has skid marks in front of it.
What’s the difference between a banjo player and god?
God doesn’t think he’s a banjo player.
What’s the difference between a banjo and a trampoline?
You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.
What do all great banjo players have in common?
They’re all dead.
What’s the difference between a banjo player driving down the road and a frog driving down the road?
There’s a slight possibility that the frog might be going to a gig.
What’s the definition of a successful banjo player?
A guy whose wife has two jobs.
What do they call a banjo player without a girlfriend?
What’s the difference between a banjo player and garbage?
The garbage gets taken out once a week.
What’s the difference between a banjo and a chain saw?
A chain saw has a dynamic range.
What’s the definition of an optimist?
A banjo player with a mortgage.
How do you tell when a banjo player is playing out of key?
His fingers are moving.
What does a banjo and a baseball have in common?
People cheer when you hit them with a bat.
If you drop a banjo and a set of bagpipes at exactly the same instant from a 10 story building, which will hit the ground first?
Walking in New Orleans the other day my daughter and I passed a cemetery.
She said to me, “Daddy, I didn’t know they put two people in the same grave”.
I replied, “Honey, they never do that.”
So she said, “Well they must do – look for yourself. On the tombstone it says – ‘Here lies a banjo player and a talented musician.'”
What do you call a guy who hangs out with a bunch of musicians?
A banjo player.
How many banjo players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one, but all the others gathered around will complain that that’s not the way Earl Scruggs would have done it.
How do you know if you’re looking at a banjo player’s family tree?
It has only one branch.
A guy walks into the doctor’s office one day.
He says, “Hey Doc, I haven’t had a bowel movement in a week! What’s wrong with me?”
The doctor gives him a prescription for a mild laxative and tells him, “If it doesn’t work, come back and let me know.”
A week later the guy goes back to the doctor’s and says, “Hey Doc, still no movement!”
The doctor says, “Hmm, I guess you must need something a little stronger,” and prescribes the guy a powerful laxative.
Another week later and the poor guy returns to the doctor’s and says, “Hey Doc, STILL nothing!”
The doctor’s now worried and says to the guy, “Okay, I think we’d better start get some more information about you to try to figure out what’s going on. What do you do for a living?”
The guy replies, “I’m a musician, I play the banjo.”
The doctor looks up and says, “Well, that’s it then! Here’s $10.00. Go get something to eat!”
How do you know the host of a party is a banjo player?
If all the salad bowls say “Parkay” on the side.
What’s the difference between a banjo player and a prune?
How do you know you are at the home of a banjo player?
If the car doesn’t have wheels but the house does.
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, a good banjo player, and an old drunk man are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a one hundred euro note.
Who gets it?
The old drunk man, of course, the other three are all mythological creatures.
What is the difference between a banjo and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.
You’re lost in the desert and you see Bugs Bunny, a cactus, and a good banjo player.
Who do you ask for directions?
You might as well try the cactus, the other two are figments of your imagination.
How do you tune two banjos?
You shoot one of them.
Banjos are to music what Etch-a-Sketch is to art.
What do you throw a drowning banjo player.
What’s the difference between a banjo player and a bucket of manure?
How many banjo players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to hold the bulb, and two to turn the ladder.
Why is banjo playing like a courtroom trial?
Everyone is relieved when the case is finally closed.
What’s the difference between a banjo and a keyring?
Keyrings hold the key.
What’s the difference between a banjo and a lawnmower?
Your wife gets upset when the neighbours borrow the lawnmower and don’t return it.
What’s the difference between a professional banjo player and a pizza?
A pizza can feed a family of four.
How can you get six banjo players to play in harmony?
Only give one of them a banjo.
What’s the definition of an optimist?
A banjo player with an answer phone.
How are banjo players and bowling balls alike?
They both end up in the gutter eventually.
A banjo player leaves his banjo on view in the back of his car.
On his return he was unhappy to find his rear window smashed in and two banjos in the back seat.
What’s worse than a banjo player?
Two banjo players.
What’s worse than two banjo players?
The banjo is a divine instrument.
Man plays it but only God knows why.
A guy goes through customs one day carrying a banjo case.
The inspector nervously asks the man to set the case on the table.
Sweating, the inspector uses a long stick to slowly open the case which contains a machine gun and miscellaneous explosives.
The inspector lets out a sigh of relief, “Phew! For a minute there, I thought you had a banjo…”
Why do some people instantly dislike banjo players?
It saves time.
The banjo is to music what spam is to food.
Did you know gorillas can’t be taught to play the banjo?
They’re too sensitive.
How can you tell when a banjo player is on the level?
When he drools out of both sides of his mouth at the same time.
Why are there no Banjos in Star Wars?
Because it’s set in the future.
What is the ideal weight of a banjo-player?
8 pounds… including the urn.
Doctor: “I’m sorry to tell you, but you only have one month left to live!”
Woman: “But doctor, isn’t there anything at all I can do?”
Doctor: “You could marry a banjo-player!”
Woman: “Oh, will I live longer, then”
Doctor: “No, but it will feel much longer.”
A banjo player parks his car in a bad neighbourhood with his banjo in the back seat.
As he leaves he notices a sign that says, “WARNING! DO NOT LEAVE CAR UNATTENDED.”
The banjo player leaves anyway.
Wwhen he returns, sure enough someone has broken into his car and put in five more banjos.
Recently linguists at a prestigious American University programmed a Cray Supercomputer to determine what one sentence in the English language is least likely to ever be uttered.
“Is that the banjo player’s Porsche?”
How do you stop a banjo player from playing?
Put a sheet of music in front of him.
How can a banjo player improve his car’s petrol consumption?
Take off the Domino’s Pizza sign.
How long does it take to tune a banjo?
What’s the difference between a hedgehog and a banjo.
If you saw a hedgehog in the road you’d probably swerve to miss it.
What’s the most beautiful sound anyone ever got out of a banjo?
Why does it take three weeks for a banjo player to fill up a salt shaker?
It’s hard to put those tiny little beads in those tiny little holes.
What do they call a dead banjo player found in a closet?
Last year’s hide and seek champion.
A banjo player decides to give up banjo playing and take up the accordion instead.
So he sells the banjo and goes to the music shop to get an accordion.
When he gets to the shop, the assistant tells him the accordions are on the second floor and says, “Just go up and have a look. I’ll be up in a few minutes after I finish serving this customer.”
Five minutes later the assistant goes up to the second floor and asks the guy, “Well, have you picked your accordion?”
The banjo player replies, “Yeah, I like that big orange one over by the wall.”
The assistant says, “Tell me, were you ever a banjo player?”
The guy replies, “Yeah, how did you know that?”
The assistant says, “Because that’s not an accordion, it’s a radiator.”
What’s the difference between an anchor and a banjo?
You tie a rope to the anchor before you throw it overboard.
Why is a banjo like an artillery shell?
Because by the time you hear either of them it is too late to run.
Did you hear about the banjo player who was so far out of tune that some of the other banjo players began to notice?
How many strings does a banjo have?
Four too many.