We said we’d get all the best poop puns and we always follow through! So here’s a real scoop for you – all the greatest poop jokes in one place (does that make it a poop scoop?)
Enjoy our collection of funny poop jokes and puns.
Poop Puns & Jokes
Did you know that diarrhea is hereditary?
It runs in your genes.
I ate four cans of alphabet soup yesterday.
Then I had probably the biggest vowel movement ever.
Have you seen that new movie Constipated?
It’s not come out yet.
And have you seen the sequel, Diarrhea?
It leaked so they had to release it early.
People who tell you that they’re constipated are full of crap.
Laughter is the best medicine.
Unless you have diarrhea…
Did you hear about the constipated composer?
He had problems with his last movement.
A man was sitting at a bar one day when a pirate walked in. The pirate had a wooden leg, a hook for one hand, and a patch over one eye.
Feeling sorry for the pirate, the man said, “Come over here, my friend. You look as though you’ve had a tough life and I’d like to buy you a drink.”
The pirate gladly went over to the man who ordered him a rum.
Then the man asked the pirate, “I’m curious, how did you lose your leg?”
“Arrrgh!” said the pirate, “I lost that timber to a tiger shark in the Caribbean when I was thrown overboard for stealing a man’s rum.”
“Wow, that’s awful!” said the man. “And tell me, how did you lose your hand?”
“Arrrgh!” replied the pirate, “I lost that fighting cannibals on a treasure island.”
“Oh my word!” the man said, “How awful! And tell me, how did you lose your eye?”
The pirate said, “Arrrgh! A seagull pooped in it!”
“A seagull!” The man was surprised. He asked, “Is seagull poop dangerous?!”
The pirate said, “Nay, matey, it was me first day with the hook.”
Do clown farts smell funny?
A little boy is walking down the country road one day when he comes across a man who has a truck load of cow manure.
The boy asks him what he’s going to do with all that cow poop.
The man says, “I’m taking it home to put on my strawberries.”
The little boy looks up at the man and says, “I don’t know where you come from, but where I come from we put cream and sugar on our strawberries.”
Did you hear about the constipated accountant?
He couldn’t budget.
Did you know that when you say the word “poop”, your mouth does the same motion as your bum hole?
The same is true for the phrase, “explosive diarrhoea”.
You never really appreciate what you’ve got until it’s gone.
Toilet paper is a good example.
People say love is the best feeling ever.
But I think finding a toilet when you’re having diarrhea is better.
Types Of Poop:
- Ghost Poop: You feel the poop come out, but there is no poop in the toilet.
- Clean Poop: You poop, it’s in the toilet, but there’s nothing on the toilet paper.
- Second Wave Poop: You’re done pooping and you’ve pulled your pants up to your knees, but something tells you you’re not done.
- Brain Haemorrhage Poop: (Also known as “Pop a vein in your forehead” poop) The kind where you strain so much to get it out that you practically have a stroke.
- Gassy Poop: Everyone within earshot is giggling.
- Log Poop: The kind of shit that is so huge that you’re afraid to flush the toilet without breaking it into a few pieces with your toilet brush.
- Sweetcorn Poop: Self-explanatory.
- Wet Cheeks Poop: (The power dump) Comes out of your butt so fast, your cheeks get splashed with water.
- “Gee I wish I could poop” Poop: The kind of poop where you want to poop, but all you do is sit on the toilet with cramps and fart a few times.
- Spinal Tap Poop: That’s the one where it hurts so much coming out that you swear it was leaving you sideways.
- Upper Class Poop: This poop doesn’t smell.
- The Dangling Poop: This poop refuses to drop, and you just pray that a shake or two will cut it loose.
Poop is a crap palindrome.
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
He worked it out with a pencil.
If a king farts, is it a noble gas?
Parent’s Law: The more distance you are from a toilet, the more urgently your child will need to poop.
I went into a public toilet for a poop the other day. I’d just sat down when I heard a voice from the next cubicle say, “Hi, how are you?”
I was a little embarrassed but I replied, “I’m fine thanks.”
Then the voice asked, “So what are you up to?”
I replied, “Just doing the same as you, sitting here.”
Then the voice asked, “Can I come over?”
Annoyed, I said, “Actually, I’m a little busy right now.”
The voice then said, “Listen, I’ll have to call you back, there’s an idiot next door who keeps answering all my questions.”
Poop Chat Up Line: My love for you is like diarrhea. I can’t hold it in.
What’s brown and sounds like a bell?
A little old man who’s hard of hearing goes to see the doctor. As he can’t hear very well, he takes his wife with him.
The doctor examines the man and then says, “Hmm, I think we need to take a stool sample, a urine sample and a sperm sample.”
The old man turns to his wife and asks, “What did he say?”
The wife replies, “He said he wants your underwear.”
What do you get when you poop in your overalls?
Children are like farts.
Your own are just about bearable, but everyone else’s are horrendous.
A young guy had been dating a beautiful young girl for a while but had never met her parents.
So he was delighted when she finally asked him to meet them.
He was very nervous about meeting them, though, and worried about it all the way to their house. As a result when he got to their front door he was in a state of great gastric distress.
Once he was in the house, the problem soon developed into one of acute flatulence which he did his best to restrain.
Eventually though, he couldn’t hold it in one second longer without exploding. And so, as he sat on couch, he let out a tiny fart hoping no-one would notice.
“Spot!” called out the young woman’s mother to the family dog, which was lying at the young guy’s feet.
The young guy was very relieved that the mother was blaming the dog and so he let another, slightly larger one go.
“Spot!” cried the mother, sharply.
The young guy relaxed as he thought to himself, “Great – I’ve got it made. Just one more and I’ll feel fine.”
So he let loose a really big, loud fart.
“Spot!” shrieked the mother. “Get over here before he poops on you!”
What did one fly say to the other?
Is this stool taken?
What’s the true definition of bravery?
Chancing a fart when you know you have diarrhea.
When bears poop in the woods is the smell un-bear-able?
This woman who lives in a rural area wants to have an outhouse that doesn’t stink, because she’s really squeamish and sensitive.
So she advertises in the local paper for a contractor that can build her one.
It’s such a tough job that at first no-one applies. Then, after some time, a contractor finally applies for the job, guaranteeing that the outhouse won’t have any odor.
Of course, he gets the job.
Not long after he finishes building the outhouse, the man gets a frantic call from the woman, who says, “You’d better get here fast! That outhouse has a terrible smell!”
The man rushes over to her house, goes to the outhouse and pokes his head through the door.
Then he exclaims, “No wonder it stinks! You pooped in it!”
What’s big and brown and behind the wall?
Two bats are hanging upside down on the branch of a tree.
The first bat asks the other, “Do you remember your worst day last year?”
The other says, “Yeah, the day I had diarrhea!”
Do you want to hear a poop joke?
Never mind it’s too corny.
I was going to tell you a poop joke but it’s really crappy.
This guy dies and as he’s lived a bad life, he goes to hell.
When he gets there, he’s met by the devil who tells him, “Okay, you have a choice. You can pick one of two eternal torture rooms”.
The guy demands to see the rooms first and so the devil agrees to show him.
In the first room there are billions of screaming people, soaked in their own viscera, slowly being hacked to pieces by maggots brandishing little hacksaws.
In the second room there are billions of people standing neck deep in diarrhea, drinking tea.
The guy says to the devil, “Hey, this isn’t so bad! I’ll take this room!”
So the devil sends him in to spend the rest of his days there.
Just as he gets into the diarrhea and is about to sip his tea, an announcement comes over the tannoy:
“Okay. Break time’s over. Back to your handstands!”
What do you call Clark Kent with diarrhea?
My son said “Look! I’m a 3D printer!”
I told him to shut the toilet door when he poops.
I tried to explain to my four-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants.
But he’s not buying it.
In fact, he’s still making fun of me.
Poop jokes aren’t my favorite kind of jokes.
But they’re a solid number two.
A bear and a rabbit are pooping in the woods one day.
The bear asks the rabbit, “Do you ever have problems with poop sticking to your fur?”
The rabbit finishes his poop and replies “No, I don’t. Why?”
“That’s great!” says the bear as he grabs the rabbit by the ears, reaches between his legs and wipes.