We may be childish but we love funny fart jokes. And you can rest assured that these particular funny fart jokes for kids and adults alike certainly won’t stink the place out. Their awesome hilarity will definitely linger in the air.
So we hope you enjoy this collection of funny fart jokes as much as us; if you do be sure to check out our page of funny poop jokes too.
I was at a sophisticated dinner party the other day when I farted loudly.
One of the guests was appalled and said indignantly, “How dare you fart in front of my wife!”
I said, “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize it was her turn.”
Why did no one at the King’s table laugh when he farted?
Because noble gases don’t cause a reaction.
Farts are like children.
You don’t mind your own but you can’t stand other people’s.
What do you call someone who doesn’t fart in public?
A private tutor.
Is there any more nerve racking moment than attempting your first fart after having diarrhea?
I was on the bus the other day and I really needed to fart.
Luckily the music was really loud so I timed my farts with the beat, and after a couple of songs I began to feel better.
As I left the bus though, I noticed everyone was starting at me in disgust.
That’s when I remembered I was listening to my iPod.
I farted in the Apple store, and everyone got mad.
It’s not my fault that they didn’t have Windows.
A human fart can be louder than a trombone.
I discovered that at my daughter’s school concert.
What’s the definition of courage?
A man with diarrhea chancing a fart.
I farted in front of my son.
He said, “That sounded like a duck!”
I told him, “That’s because I have a butt quack”
A man never really knows just how much he farts…
Until he spends a day with a girl he really likes.
I was out delivering leaflets on flatulence awareness this morning.
Unfortunately, I let one rip.
One day a lady walks into a very high class jewellery shop.
She browses around for a bit before she spots a gorgeous diamond bracelet which she goes over to inspect.
As she bends over to look at it more closely, she accidently breaks wind.
She’s very embarrassed and looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident as she prays that a sales person doesn’t appear right now.
But as she turns around her worst nightmare is realized as she sees a salesman standing right behind her.
The salesman stays as cool as a cucumber and shows complete professionalism as he greets the lady by saying, “Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?”
The lady is now a little more confident that she has got away with here little accient and asks, “How much is this lovely bracelet?”
The salesman replies, “Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you’re going to crap yourself when I tell you the price.”
Did you hear about the two mummies who farted at the same time?
They had a toot in common.
I woke myself up by farting last night.
At least now the neighbors will never invite me round to see their holiday photos again.
An old married couple are in church one Sunday when the woman turns to her husband and says, “I’ve just let out a really long, silent fart. What should I do?”
The husband turned to her and said, “Replace the battery in your hearing aid.”
I never farted in front of my wife until we got married.
I don’t think the priest was too impressed.
What do you get when the Queen farts?
A noble gas.
I farted in work the other day and my workmate started trying to open the window.
It must have been a really bad one – we work on a submarine.
I was lying in bed with my wife last night when she said, “I wish you’d do something to heat things up between us under the covers.”
So I farted.
If you farted while travelling at the speed of sound would you smell it before you heard it?
Do deaf people get paranoid when farting in public?
An elderly woman goes into a nursing home.
She’s sitting in her new room, when she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair.
Two attentive nurses immediately straighten her up.
After a while, she starts to tilt to the other side.
Again, the nurses rush over to put her upright. This goes on all morning.
Later, her family arrives to see how she’s getting on and they ask, “Are they treating you all right?”
The old woman replies, “It’s pretty nice… except they won’t let you fart.”
I’m not saying my wife’s farts are loud…
But put it this way, she’ll never be hit by a ship.
I was alone in the house last night, just lying in bed, when I heard someone fart.
I didn’t know whether to laugh or be scared.
I was playing a golf match with a friend the other day.
We were both level par after four holes when I dropped one at the fifth.
He missed his next putt, the smell was that bad.
I silently farted in bed last night and then slowly lifted the covers.
My wife shouted, “Urghh! That stinks!”
It must have been a bad one – she was downstairs at the time.
There was this old couple who’d been married for thirty years.
Every single morning of those thirty years, the man would wake up and let rip an enormous fart, much to his long suffering wife’s annoyance.
“One of these days, you’ll fart your guts,” she always complained.
Then finally, she couldn’t take it any more and decided to get her revenge.
So she got up early and placed some turkey giblets in the bed next to her husband’s backside.
She was downstairs making a drink when she heard her his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards.
But this time it was followed by a scream.
Twenty minutes later her husband walked gingerly down the stairs.
“You were right all along,” he said. “I finally did fart my guts out. But by the grace of God, and these two fingers, I managed to push them back in.”
You know it’s a good fart when the dog wakes up, looks at you in disgust and walks out of the room.
I made a plan to fart the other day.
It’s the only plan I’ve ever followed through with.
I went to see my doctor yesterday.
I said to him, “I’ve got a problem with farting when I’m nervous.”
He said, “I know,” as he finished my prostate examination.
What’s the definition of a surprise?
A fart with a lump in it.
I rang the Incontinence Hotline yesterday.
The woman said, “Can you hold, please.”
I went to the doctors yesterday and told him my farts sound like a motorbike.
He was confused and said, “Is there anything else I should know?”
I said, “Yeah, I’ve got a huge boil on my butt.”
The doctor said, “Ahh, that’ll be it – I’ll lance the boil and you’ll be fine.”
I asked him, “Why’s that then?”
He said, “Didn’t you know? Abscess makes the fart go Honda.”
Why do farts stink?
So deaf people can enjoy them too.