Butt Jokes And Puns

We’re certainly not scraping the bottom with these funny butt jokes and puns! There’s nothing half-assed about them at all! Who’d have the cheek to suggest such a thing!?

Header image for a page of funny butt jokes and puns.

Funny Butt Jokes

What has two butts and kills people?

An assassin.

Does anyone know if doctors could take some of my butt flesh and graft it onto someone who isn’t a relative?

Ass-skin for a friend.

If you slap Dwayne Johnson’s butt…

You officially hit rock bottom.

What’s a more concrete term for butt crack?

Asphalt.

What do you call an ox with a big butt?

Buttocks.

What is it called when one butt cheek is bigger than the other?

Assymmetrical.

I farted in front of my son.

He said, “That sounded like a duck!”

I told him, “That’s because I have a butt quack.”

What do you call 6.02*10^23 butts?

Molasses.

What do you call Nikki Minaj’s butt crack?

Silicon Valley.

If someone is burnt and needs a skin graft, can I donate the skin tissue on my butt?

Ass-skin for a friend.

Why does a duck have tail feathers?

To cover its butt quack.

Why did Buddha start pulling coins out of his butt?

Because change comes from within.

Being a scarecrow isn’t for everyone.

Butt hay, it’s in my jeans.

What do you call it when a duck farts?

A butt-quack.

My grandfather has a funny story he likes to tell people about how a long time ago he swallowed his wedding ring and then it came out 10 years later.

I’ve heard him tell it many times over the years.

It’s old butt gold.

Can I borrow your butt? Mine has a crack in it.

When is a butt not cracked in half?

When it’s a butt (w)hole.

A group of butts is walking.

The smallest struggles to keep up.

“Sorry, I’m a little behind.”

My boyfriend gave me a butt massage today, but only focused on one cheek.

It was very half-assed.

A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his butt.

The doctors described his condition as stable.

When you say the word “poop” your mouth moves just like your butt-hole does when you poop.

The same is true for “explosive diarrhea”.

A geologist asked me if I like extremely high, steep hills with a flat top.

I said yeah, I like big buttes and I cannot lie.

My wife swiped our debit card on my butt crack.

She said, “Transaction denied, insufficient buns.”

Did you hear how Thor saved Loki’s butt?

With an Asgard.

Has anyone else noticed that the symbol “&”…

Looks like a man dragging his butt across the floor?

I accidentally butt dialed my ex last night.

I swear it’s the only booty call I’ve ever made.

“Doctor, I think I have a serious issue. A piece of lettuce is sticking out of my butt!”

Doctor: I’m afraid that’s just the tip of the iceberg.

What’s the last thing to go through the mind of a fly when it hits a windscreen?

Its butt.

What does a cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?

He wipes his butt.

What did the ashtray say to the cigarette?

“Nice butt”.

My kid got sunburned on only one of their butt cheeks.

My wife said I did a half-ass job applying sunscreen.

If I cut off my right butt cheek…

Would I be left behind?

A man goes to the doctor with a frog on his head.

The doctor asks the man, “What can I help you with?”

To which the frog responds, “Well, it all started with a little lump on my butt.”

Is butt cheeks one word…

Or should I spread them apart?

I think we can all come up with a better name for underwear.

Butt hat’s none of my business.

A man notices his wife’s butt is getting big.

He says, “I bet your butt is as big as my grill.”

His wife rolls her eyes, but he gets a tape measure, measures her bottom, measures the grill, and teases her that they’re about the same size.

That night, he tries to see if he can get lucky.

“Not tonight,” says his wife.

He asks her why not, to which she responds, “Do you really think I’m going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weiner?”

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, “In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body.”

As an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth.

Go ahead and do the same thing,” he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, “The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.

Now, “LEARN TO PAY ATTENTION!”

A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doc, I think I have a tapeworm.”

The doctor looks at him and says, “Well, we’re all out of medicine for that, but there might be something else I can do for you. Come home, then come back tomorrow with an orange, a Twinkie, and a baseball bat.”

So the man goes home and gathers up his supplies, then goes to bed and shows up the next day with an orange, a Twinkie, and a baseball bat.

The doctor takes the baseball bat and sets it in the corner, then takes the orange and shoves it up the man’s butt.

He waits five minutes, then puts the Twinkie up after it.

The doctor then tells the man to go home and come back the next day with another orange, and another Twinkie.

So the man goes home, and he comes back the next day with another orange and another Twinkie.

The doctor takes the orange and he shoves it up the man’s butt, then he waits five minutes then puts the Twinkie up after it.

The doctor and the man go on like this for a week, with the man coming back every day with an orange and a Twinkie.

Finally, at the end of the week, the doctor tells the man to come back the next day with just an orange.

The man goes home, gets his orange and comes back the next day.

The doctor takes the orange and, as is usual, shoves it up the man’s butt.

Then he waits.

Five minutes go by, then ten, and the man starts to get impatient, but the doctor won’t let him leave.

Finally after half an hour, the man feels something shift inside his stomach.

Suddenly, the tapeworm sticks his head out the man’s butt and says, “Hey! Where’s my Twinkie?”

And the doctor hits it with the baseball bat.

A deer owned a bar. One day, he found the toilet window broken, so he asked the patrons, “Who broke the window!?”

A hare responded, “I kinda did…”

The deer asked, “What do you mean by ‘kinda’?”

The hare says, “Well, I was taking a dump and after the bear finished his, he took me and tried to wipe his butt, but then he saw I wasn’t toilet paper and threw me right out of the window.”

The deer fined the bear $500.

A few days later, the window got broken again, so the deer asked, “Who broke the window!?”

A squirrel responded, “I kinda did…”

The deer asked, “What do you mean by ‘kinda’?”

The squirrel said, “Well, I was taking a dump and after the bear finished his, he took me and tried to wipe his butt, but then he saw I wasn’t toilet paper and threw me right out of the window.”

The deer fined the bear $1000.

A few days later, the whole toilet got messed up – the fixtures smashed, the toilet broken and bloodied, the window broken, the door scratched, etc.

So the deer asked, “Who did all this!?”

The hedgehog replied, “I kinda did…”

My girlfriend told me if I turned the light off I could put it in her butt.

I guess I should’ve let the bulb cool first.

More Funny Jokes

If you enjoyed our hilarious puns and jokes about butts, be sure to check out the rest of LaffGaff where we have lots more funny jokes, such as these: