Short Weather Jokes
How do you move a piece of furniture at the weather station?
With four casters.
My granddad always used to say, “There is no such thing as bad weather, only inappropriate clothing.”
I say “Used to”, he got hit by lightning.
Two guys were standing in front of me while waiting in line for the pharmacy today.
One of them started making small talk about the weather, “I hope the rain keeps up!”
The other guy went, “Huh?”
“So it doesn’t come down!”
When does it start to rain money?
When there is a change in the weather.
What’s the difference between weather and climate?
You can’t weather a tree, but you can climate!
What do you call a bottle of Dasani during bad weather?
I asked a tall guy, “How’s the weather up there?”
He spat on me and told me it was raining.
Did you hear the weather forecast for the hip hop festival?
They’re calling for a Lil Wayne.
I asked Siri, “Surely the weather is not going to be this miserable again tomorrow?”
She replied, “Yes it will be and don’t call me Shirley.”
Looks like I forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode.
What do you call a weather joke with a bad punchline?
An anti-climactic climatic joke.
What’s Irish and stays outside your house all year no matter the weather?
Don’t trust big changes in the weather.
It’s just a front.
I had an argument with my wife about the bad weather.
It soon blew over.
I hate people who phone me up complaining about the state of the weather.
That’s why I lost my job with the mountain rescue team.
Cold Weather Jokes
If you make a lot of mistakes when texting in cold weather, you need to get warm.
It’s an early sign of typo-thermia.
It was so cold this morning my phone’s weather app froze.
I prefer cold weather.
But only to a certain degree.
The weather forecast was for freezing rain, and sure enough it was an ice day.
What do you call an arctic cold spell at the end of the year?
I was going to go out in the freezing weather but I got cold feet.
I got hit on the head during a hail storm.
I was knocked out cold.
I’m feeling very alone in this cold weather.
In fact, I’m completely ice-olated.
I had to sit an math exam in an unheated room in the middle of winter.
I was cold and calculating.
I became a world renowned expert on cold weather.
And it only took 2 degrees to do it.
Hot Weather Jokes
It’s getting too hot to dress smartly.
The weather just isn’t suitable.
It was hot and sunny today and when I went to town I saw a line of guys outside a hairdressers.
I thought, “What a lovely day to have a barber queue.”
It was so hot the other day that even the mosquitoes were dropping like flies.
The forecast for the weather in the kitchen is chili today and hot tamale.
I asked my friend what the weather was like where he was.
He said, “It’s obtuse.”
I said, “What?”
He said, “It’s greater than 90 degrees.”
60 seconds have passed in this 90 degree weather.
It’s been a hot minute.
On my visit to Chicago, the weather forecast said it was muggy.
The forecaster was right.
I went outside and someone stole my shoes.
Wet Weather Jokes
What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
I had a great weekend.
I won the annual weather forecaster’s championships!
I beat the raining champion.
Dad: Looks like we’re going to have Santa’s favorite weather for Christmas this year.
Wife: Oh, is it going to snow?
Dad: No, rain dear.
Did you hear about the explosion at the Nissan factory?
It was raining Datsun cogs.
Why do Native Americans hate wet weather in April?
Because April showers bring Mayflowers.
Why does it never rain when the internet is down?
Because it’s all based in the cloud.
What do you do with a weather ladder?
A windmill and a solar panel are talking during a storm. The windmill says, “Awesome weather we are having!”
The solar panel replies, “I am not a fan.”
The nearby nuclear power plant overhears them and feels left out, so he has a meltdown. What an over reactor!
Why is the British weather like Islam?
Because it’s either Sunni or Shi’ite.
I hate windy weather.
It really blows.
I spent five dollars for a weather app on my phone.
I got two dollars and fifteen cents back in climate change.
What’s the worst type of weather to hire?
Lightning, it’s always on strike.
Long Weather Jokes
It was autumn, and the Native Americans on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a Native American Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets so when he looked at the sky, he couldn’t tell what the weather was going to be.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
Also, being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, “Is the coming winter going to be cold?”
“It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed,” the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. “Is it going to be a very cold winter?”
“Yes,” the man at National Weather Service again replied,”it’s definitely going to be a very cold winter.”
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.
Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again. “Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?”
“Absolutely,” the man replied. “It’s going to be one of the coldest winters ever.”
“How can you be so sure?” the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, “The Native Americans are collecting wood like crazy.”
It was two o’clock in the morning and a husband and wife were sleeping when suddenly the phone rang.
The husband picked up the phone and said, “Hello?” Then he paused for a few seconds before saying, “How the heck do I know? What am I, the weather man?” and slammed the phone down.
His wife rolled over and asked, “Who was that?”
The husband replied, “I don’t know. Some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear tonight.”