Bulb Replacement

Accidentally replaced my halogen bulbs with hallucinogen bulbs.

Circuit breakers are tripping and my electric bill is really high.

Mistake Finder

I said to my wife, “For the last 15 years, all you’ve done is find mistakes in anything I say.”

She said, “16 years…”

Bread Wedding

Two slices of bread got married.

The wedding was amazing, until someone decided to toast the bride and groom.

Binary Book

I bought a book called “1001 Uses for Binary”.

When I got home, I was disappointed to find out there were only 9 entries.

Neon Calendar

I like to mark my calendar with bright neon colors.

It’s the highlight of my day.

Sponge Front Door

My next-door neighbor’s front door is made of sponge.

Lots of people don’t like it, but I have to admit, I can’t knock it.

Dinner Invitation

Her: At least invite me out to dinner.

Him: I don’t go out with married women.

Her: But I’m your wife.

Him: I make no exceptions.

Nose For Wine

My friend has an excellent nose for wine.

It’s shaped like a corkscrew.

Steamroller Lessons

My wife said she wants to spend our savings on learning to drive a steamroller.

I said I’m not going to stand in her way.

Archaeology Party

I went to an archaeology party where they were only looking for remains of a lower leg.

It was a shindig.

Young And Poor

When I was young, I was very poor.

After years of struggle, I’m no longer young.

Can Of Spam

I went on an online video call and a picture of a can of spam appeared on my screen.

I think it was a zoom meat tin.

Candelit Dinner

I tried making a candlelit dinner.

I think it would have cooked quicker in the oven.

Army Trouble

I got in to trouble when I was in the army when they found me with trifles, ice cream and cakes.

They said I was a desserter.

Sugar Gift

A friend just gave me a bag of sugar as a gift.

I thought it was very sweet.

Missing Mustache

I woke up to find my mustache was missing this morning.

Someone must have stolen it right under my nose.

Bottle Crawler

So you’re telling me that when a baby crawls across the floor for its bottle it’s cute…

But when I do it, I need an intervention?

Tropical Fish

Keeping tropical fish at home can have a calming effect on the brain…

Due to all the indoor fins.

Stubborn Husband

My wife says I’m the most stubborn and strong-willed person she’s ever met.

But I refuse to accept that.

Cloning Lab

Friend: Can I set up a cloning lab in your basement?

Me: Sure, make yourself at home.

Zoo Pregnancy

One of the animals in the local zoo is pregnant, but nobody is comfortable talking about it.

It’s the elephant in the womb.

Pepper Mills

Breaking news: A truck full of pepper mills has crashed on the highway.

The traffic has ground to a halt.

Velcro Wall

My biggest goal for this year is to buy a Velcro wall.

I plan on sticking to it.

Book Reader

I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.

It’s a Rome ants novel.

Beer Book

I’m writing a book about drinking beer.

I’m currently on my 4th draft.

Fingers And Toes

Your fingers have fingertips but your toes don’t have toetips.

Yet you can tiptoe but not tipfinger.

Mess With Husband

Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and hide his stuff where he can’t find it.

Like I put his shoes in the shoe closet, his jacket on the hanger and his keys on the key hook.

Telescope

I’ve never owned a telescope in my life.

But it’s something I’m considering looking into.

Insomnia

My doctor told me that I’m suffering from insomnia.

I asked, “Is it serious?”

He said, “There’s no cause for any alarm.”

Home Insurance Coverage

So I just checked my home insurance policy and apparently if my blanket is stolen in the middle of the night, I won’t be covered.

Red Flags

I once dated a woman who was 1/4 Chinese, 1/4 Turkish, 1/4 Danish, and 1/4 Vietnamese.

She was great but I had to break up with her.

Too many red flags.

Cheap Parking

I agreed to drive my wife downtown to see a movie because she said parking would be cheap.

But the parking was a lot.

Dog Arrest

The police just came and arrested my dog.

He had unpaid barking tickets.

Own Fragrance

I have just released my own fragrance.

The people sitting near me on the bus don’t look like they appreciate it, though.

Dating Nun

I tried dating a nun but she stopped talking to me.

I got holy ghosted.

Stranger Approval

I’ve decided to stop seeking approval from strangers.

Is everyone ok with that?

Half-Brother

My half-brother and I aren’t allowed to play with chainsaws anymore.

Magician School

I went to school for magicians but failed the final exam.

They were all trick questions.

Sick Bucket

How can you tell when a bucket gets sick?

It becomes a little pale.

Decision Making

Apparently exercising helps with decision making. It’s true!

I went for a jog today and decided I’m never going again.

Loud Bongos

My son likes to cause a scene by going up to his loft and playing the bongos very loudly.

It’s a little drum attic.

Old Man

My kid called me an old man this morning.

We both laughed and laughed.

Then I changed the WiFi password.

Movie Choice

Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me if I wanted to watch a movie.

She said, “What movie would you like to see?”

I said, “You pick.”

She said, “You pick.”

I said, “I don’t care. You pick.”

She said, “Sir, there are people waiting behind you waiting to buy tickets.”

Budget Plan

My budget plan went out the window last month.

It made a great paper airplane.

Great Lakes

It is known that there are five Great Lakes in North America.

But one is truly Superior.