Doctor’s Appointment

I tried getting a doctor’s appointment today.

They said to me, “How about 10 tomorrow?”

I said, “Just one is enough.

Naughty Son

I sent my son to his room for saying Jim Morrison was a terrible musician.

He keeps slamming The Doors.

Nitrogen

What happens to nitrogen when the sun comes up?

It becomes daytrogen.

Ice Cream Truck

A woman is chasing down an ice cream truck…

The ice cream man stops and says, “What can I get for you, Ma’am?”

She says, “Nothing, I just wanted to tell you I’m vegan.”

Sword Fighting Puns

Does anyone know any good sword fighting puns?

I’m trying to think of any words that have a duel meaning.

Invisible Ink

I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.

I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.

Please Stop!

My girlfriend keeps telling me to stop making math puns.

She thinks they’re irrational.

On The Router

My wifi password is “writtenontherouter”…

I let all my guests walk to the router and let them unsuccessfully try to use the initial password until I tell them it’s literally “writtenontherouter”.

Dog Math

I asked my dog what’s two minus two.

He said nothing.

Horse Racing Obsession

My wife and kids are threatening to leave me because of my obsession with horse-racing.

And they’re off!

Fun Childhood

I had a fun childhood.

My dad used to push me down the hill in old tires.

They were Goodyears.

Logan Paul

What is the difference between BTS and Logan Paul?

BTS is a boy band from Asia. Logan Paul is a boy banned from Asia.

Not Talking

A guy walks into a bar, slumps into a chair, and orders a beer.

The bartender says, “What’s wrong, pal? You look down.”

The guy sighs and says, “I am down. My wife is mad at me, and said she wouldn’t talk to me for a whole month.”

The bartender says, “Gee, that’s too bad. When does that start?”

“Start? Today’s the last day.”

Am I Adopted?

Fred came home from University in tears.

“Mum, am I adopted?”

“No of course not,” replied his mother. “Why would you think such a thing?”

Fred showed her his genealogy DNA test results. No match for any of his relatives, and strong matches for a family who lived the other side of the city.

Perturbed, his mother called her husband. “Honey, Fred has done a DNA test, and… and… I don’t know how to say this… he may not be our son.”

“Well, obviously!” he replied.

“What do you mean?”

“It was your idea in the first place” her husband continued. “You remember, that first night in hospital when the baby did nothing but scream and cry and scream and cry. On and on. And you asked me to change him.”

“I picked a good one I reckon. Ever so proud of Fred.”

Rabbit Treadmill

Elton John has bought his pet rabbit a treadmill.

It’s a little fit bunny.

Taxi Music

I was in a taxi the other day and the driver said, “Do you mind if I put some music on?”

I said, “Not at all.”

He said, “Kiss?”

I said, “Let’s listen to the music first and see how we feel.”

Inflatable House

My inflatable house got a puncture last night.

Now, I’m living in a flat.

Number 2

Pirate Leader: Men, I need to know how to say the number 2 in Roman numerals.

Crew: I I captain.

Indian And Vietnamese Restaurants

What’s the difference between an Indian restaurant and a Vietnamese restaurant?

Indian places are naan profit, Vietnamese places are pho profit.

Lion And Witch

I saw a man pushing a lion and a witch into a wardrobe.

I asked, “What are you doing?”

He replied, “Go away, it’s Narnia business.”

Magazine Collection

My mom is a hoarder and refuses to throw out her old magazine collection.

She has a lot of issues.

Two Cows

Interviewer: How much milk do these cows give?

Farmer: Which one? The black one or the brown one?

Interviewer: The brown one.

Farmer: A couple of litres per day.

Interviewer: And the black one?

Farmer: A couple of litres per day.

Interviewer (naturally a bit flummoxed): I see. What do you give them to eat?

Farmer: Which one? Black or brown?

Interviewer: Black.

Farmer: It eats grass.

Interviewer: And the other one?

Farmer: Grass.

Interviewer (now annoyed): Why do you keep asking which one when the answers are the same?!

Farmer: Because the black one’s mine.

Interviewer: Oh, and the brown one?

Farmer: It’s also mine.

Not Attracted

What do you call it when you’re attracted to both men and women but neither are attracted to you?

Bi-yourself.

Backpacker

A backpacker finds a tiny village tucked away in the mountains with one tiny pub.

He walks into the pub and there are all these old men just sitting around in silence.

So the backpacker orders a beer and finds himself a seat.

Suddenly one of the men shouts, “Number 4!” and the whole room erupts with laughter.

The backpacker is surprised by this but then the laughter dies down and he goes back to sipping his pint.

Then another one of them shouts, “Number 21!” and once again everybody has a good laugh.

The backpacker turns to someone and asks what’s going on.

“Ah you see we’re a bit isolated out here”, the man says. “We all know each other’s jokes so well we decided to give them all a number to save time when we want to tell them.”

The backpacker gets a mischievous look on his face. He stands up and shouts, “Number 1001!”

It was like an earthquake had hit. The whole room reverberated with the men’s voices, some of them slapping their thighs and almost falling off their chairs.

As the laughter died down some of them were pressing their hands to their chests, just to make sure they weren’t having a heart attack.

The backpacker turns to the man next to him and says, “So is that one of the good ones?”

The man says, “Oh no, it’s just that we’d never heard that one before.”

Albert Einstein

Today I learned Albert Einstein really existed.

I thought he was a theoretical physicist.

Future Wife

So I asked a ouija board for the name of my future wife.

WTF kinda name is Hahaha?

New Priest

There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.

One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, “If I hear that word one more time, I’ll quit!”

Everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had “fallen.” This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age.

About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, “You have to do something about the roads and sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen.”

The mayor started to laugh, realising that no one had told the new priest about the code word. Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, “I don’t know what you’re laughing about, your own wife fell three times this week already, and your daughter fell twice!”

German Names

I’ve just deleted all the German names off my pre-owned iPhone.

It’s Hans free now.

Rainbow Weight

How much does a rainbow weigh?

Not much, they’re actually pretty light.

Strange Career Choice

I’m thinking of a career where I estimate crowd sizes at different outdoor events.

I wonder how many people are in that field.

Interest Free Mortgage

A man is told the local bank offers mortgages with no interest.

The man enters the bank.

Man: I’m here to find out about the mortgage.

Employee: I don’t really care.

Tiptoeing Nurse

Why did the nurse tiptoe past the medicine room?

Because she didn’t want to wake up the sleeping pills.

Clever Cat

I told my cat that I’m going to teach him to speak English.

He looked at me and said, “Me? How.”