Cold Air Balloon

My grandfather invented the cold air balloon.

It never really took off.

100 Push-ups

My son told me he just watched a guy do 100 straight push-ups, and asked me if I could do that.

“Sure, son,” I said. “Heck, I could probably watch a guy do 500 straight push-ups.”

Gym Membership

It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress.

Tomorrow I’m going there in person to see what’s really going on.

Trampoline Spring

Did you hear about the boy who was impaled by a trampoline spring?

He’s hurt, but will bounce back.

Oils Book

I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants.

It was in the non-friction section.

Train Hearing

How does a train hear another train coming?

With its engineers.

Bank Robbers

Why did the bank robbers call their travel agent?

To plan a getaway.

Camping Holiday

I’m going on a camping holiday but I’m not happy with my travel insurance.

Apparently, if my tent blows away during the night I’ll no longer be covered.

Labyrinth Visit

Just got back from Crete where I had a very brief visit to see the Labyrinth.

It was only a minor tour.

Helium Balloon Luggage

BREAKING NEWS! Airport police are concerned at the number of passengers smuggling helium filled balloons in their luggage.

Cases continue to rise.

Wimbledon Bar

I went to the bar at Wimbledon dressed as a tennis ball.

I got served straight away.


My cat always gets excited when I put the movie “Flashdance” on.

What a feline!

Gloria Gaynor

Gloria Gaynor invited six people round for dinner but one didn’t turn up.

“That’s OK,” she told her guests, “I will serve five.”

Asian Food

I couldn’t decide which Asian food I wanted more, Japanese or Chinese.

So I just called it a Thai.

Greek God

My wife said I look like a Greek god.

Her actual words were, “Put your clothes on, we’re in a museum” but I know what she meant.

Truck Collision

A truck filled with Worcestershire sauce and a truck filled with quinoa crashed in front of the local charcuterie shop.

When asked by reporters what had happened, a witness replied, “Well… it’s kind of hard to say…”

Invisible Lizard

Some may wonder how scientists were able to develop the invisible lizard so quickly …

But it was clear from the gecko.

Beautiful Woman

I bumped into a beautiful woman while out today.

She asked for my phone number… then my insurance info.

Strange Author

Did you hear about the author who used a period after every word?

He. Got. Sentenced. To. Death.

Cashier Instructions

The cashier told me, “Strip down facing me.”

By the time I realized she meant the debit card, it was too late.

Barber Apology

My barber realised that his scissors weren’t working so he apologized.

I said, “Well sorry’s not gonna cut it.”

Noodle Eater

I gave up drinking and ate noodles instead.

I’ve been soba for six months now.

Ripped Off

I’ve just finished reading a book called, How to Avoid Getting Ripped Off.

Best $100 I ever spent!


My wife asked me why I wanted to be cremated.

I told her it’s because it’s my last hope for a smoking hot body.

Crying Baby

When I came home from work, my wife said “Ugh, the baby has been crying for hours. Can you take over?”

I said, “Sure” and started crying for hours.

Bike Thief

What’s it called when you steal your bike back from the thief?


Big Decision

I heard that you should always look into a mirror before making a big decision.

It helps you reflect.

Underfloor Heating

My friends got a new house, and I paid for them to get underfloor heating.

It was a house warming gift.

Incontinence Hotline

I called the incontinence hotline yesterday.

The lady asked if I can hold for a few minutes.

NASA Mission

Did you hear that NASA is about to launch a new mission to say sorry to aliens for Earth polluting space?

It’s called Apollo G.

Shy Pebble

I once met a shy pebble.

She wished she was a little bolder.

Cavity Procedure

I asked the dentist what the cavity procedure would entail.

He said, “Let me fill you in.”

Irish Tomb

What do you call an Irish tomb full of coins?

A crypt o’currency.


I picked up a hitchhiker last night.

He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”

I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”

Bass Lessons

A father was buying bass lessons for his son.

After the 1st week the father asked him what he had learned.

The son said, “On my 1st lesson we learned about the E string.”

The 2nd week came and after the lesson the father asked what had he learned that week.

The son said, “On the 2nd lesson I learned about the A string.”

The 3rd week came by and the father said to his son, “You know these are expensive lessons, what have you learned this week?”

The son said, “I quit the lessons, I already got a gig.”

Five Children

I met a woman who had five children.

When I asked what their names were, she said, “Who, What, Where, When, and Why”.

That made me think, “Wow. She’s raising a lot of questions”.