Joke Of The Day

I’m not a competitive person.

I’m always the first to admit it.

Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor.

Why did the electrician fall in love with every girl he met?

Because he couldn’t resistor.

Why do koi only travel in groups of four?

It’s to protect against predators. When they’re attacked, Koi A, B, and C travel in one direction.

The other one is the D koi.

My dad claimed he could boost our TV’s sound quality by putting plastic wrap over the speakers.

He said Saran-sound is all the rage nowadays.

Where is a bacteria’s favorite place to sit?

On a stool.

Why are city-dwelling gnomes very good at keeping time?

Because they are metro gnomes.

The recipe for marble cake is not what you might first think it is.

Totally unrelated topic – anybody know a good dentist?

I fly often for business. Yesterday, I had three bags to check.

I said, “I’d like this bag to go to New Orleans, this one to Seattle, and the third to Chicago.”

The gate agent rolled her eyes and said, “We can’t do that!”

I said, “Why not? You did it last week.”

My wife and I have an open relationship.

Found out last night.

My wife left me because I’m obsessed with Africa.

Kenya believe it?

And we have two kids together; this divorce is Ghana be so hard on them.

What car should you drive at the start of the week?

Ford Mondayos.

Did you know most Egyptian people are related to the same Pharaoh?

They have Tut-in-common.

To everyone out there suffering from paranoia…

Just remember you’re not alone.

Why couldn’t the couple get married at the library?

Because it was all booked up.

While at the grocery store, be careful not to knock over the cabbage display.

Heads will roll.

I took a job as an executioner, but it’s been tough.

I’m really struggling to get ahead.

I think my house is haunted by the ghost of a chicken.

I may have a poultrygeist.

I finally realized why trees don’t have teeth.

Turns out, they’re all bark and no bite.

What are atheists called in India?

Naan believers.

What do you call two octopuses who look the same?

Itentacle.

A man goes for a walk in the park.

On his walk, he sees two men sat on a park bench and looking very down.

“What’s wrong?” He asked them.

One of the men looks up at the man and lets out a long sigh: “Take a seat and I’ll tell you.”

Curious, he sits down next to the two men.

“The paint’s wet,” the man says.

I love watching programmes about lakes and rivers on the internet.

Anything water related really.

I’m actually watching a live stream right now.

Why is Billy Joel’s laundry still wet?

“He Didn’t Start The Dryer.”

As an executioner, I often ask prisoners for their last requests.

My last inmate asked me for a high five, but I just left him hanging.

My wife often compares me to Ryan Gosling.

She’ll say, “You’re nothing like Ryan Gosling.”

People think grass don’t be wet in the morning.

But it dew.

What’s a demon’s favorite handwriting style?

Cursive.

I’m creating an app to find qualified electricians in your area.

It’s called Wattsapp.

My dad gave up smoking cold turkey.

He’s doing better now but he’s still coughing up feathers.

This morning I saw a guy dragging a clam on a leash.

And I thought, “It must be hard to walk with a pulled mussel.”

During chemistry class, I learned that sulphur dioxide should never be poured into a metal container.

It’s just an oxidant waiting to happen.

What kind of drug should dinosaurs never take?

A steroid.