Joke Of The Day

I’m starting a tribute band called “Paper.”

We cover rock.

First rule of Thesaurus Club:

You do not talk, speak, chat, deliberate, confer, gab, or converse about Thesaurus Club.

I think I’m gonna take up coin collecting.

The change will do me good.

Any recommendations for music I can listen to while I’m fishing?

I’m looking for something catchy.

For my next trick, I will push a bunch of percussion instruments down a hill.

Drum roll, please!

Me: “I’m surprised at how winded I am by this workout.”

Trainer: “This was the tour of the gym.”

Ever since buying a digital camera, I can only think of its positive points.

There aren’t any negatives.

They kept me waiting for ages at the laryngitis clinic.

About four hours, roughly speaking.

A friend of mine has a mobile phone shaped like an Italian dumpling.

It’s a gnocchia.

What does an escalator say when it stops working?

Nothing, it just stairs.

I know a bunch of good jokes about umbrellas.

But they usually go over people’s heads.

My father owned a coal company, but mostly kept it to himself.

Mined his own business.

What do you call a Jedi with anxiety?

Panic’in Skywalker.

Yesterday, someone told me that I look good with a salt-and-pepper beard.

I took that as a condiment.

Did you hear about the guy with an irrational fear of buffets?

He couldn’t help himself.

When I was a child, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.

Turns out, identity theft is a crime.

I’ve decided to learn jokes in sign language.

That way, I can guarantee no one’s heard them before.

Last time I went to the gym I hopped on the treadmill.

But people were looking at me funny so I decided to run instead.

I saw a big cat wearing a very flamboyant hat the other day.

I think it was a dandy lion.

Which sailors blow their noses the most often?

The anchor chiefs.

The local vampire social club is constantly getting bigger.

They’re always looking for new blood.

What do you call a wheel of cheese that you throw to someone else?

A fris-brie.

Started going to the gym and I dropped 10 pounds very quickly.

Thankfully the dumbbell missed my foot.

I should have never glued a piranha to my boomerang.

I just know it’s going to come back to bite me.

I saw a lion get in to a hot air balloon basket.

It caused quite an uproar.

I saw an opera about a rodent that goes round letting the air out of tyres.

Deflator Mouse.