Spider-Man Movie

I told my dad I want to see Spider-Man: Far From Home.

He said, “But son, it’s the same film if you watch it here.”

Tesla Founder

Tesla founder Elon Musk is originally from South Africa, which is strange.

You’d think he was from Mad-at-gas-car.

Naked Body

As I looked at my naked body in the mirror…

I realised that I was going to get kicked out of IKEA.

Yoga Teacher

My yoga instructor was drunk today.

Put me in a very awkward position.

Death Requests

When I die, I have but two requests:

The first, I want my remains to be scattered around Disneyland.

The second, I don’t want to be cremated.

Tom Hanks Autograph

I met Tom Hanks once. He was so rude.

I asked for his autograph and all he wrote was thanks.

New Tesla

Teslas don’t have a “New Car” smell.

They have an Elon Musk.

Bilbo Baggins

How did Bilbo survive the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy?

Because old Hobbits die hard.

Diarrhea Sufferers

Doctors say 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea.

That means one person enjoys it.

Pizza Hut Lobster

Did you hear about the lobster that got a job at Pizza Hut?

He works in the crust station.

Lawyer In Heaven

A lawyer dies, and somehow manages to go to heaven.

When he gets there, he’s greeted by St. Peter himself.

The lawyer says, “What happened? I wasn’t in an accident and I’m too young to die. I’m only 52!”

St. Peter says, “Nope, by our records, you are 84, and that’s a pretty good life.”

The lawyer yells, “84! How did you figure that?”

St. Peter responds, “We added up your client billing time sheets.”

Soy Sauce Spillage

I went out for sushi last night and a guy spilled a whole bottle of soy sauce on himself.

Everyone laughed except me.

Don’t Kikkoman when he’s down.

Turkey And Chicken

A turkey is about to cross the road.

Suddenly a chicken appears and says, “Don’t do it man, you’ll never hear the end of it!”

Shark Race

A shark can swim faster than me, but I can run faster than a shark.

So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.

Grey Hair

Why does Daniel Craig have grey hair in the latest Bond movie?

Because he has no time to dye.

Bomb Squad

I got fired from the bomb squad today.

It’s too bad really…

I had a blast working there.

Grateful Husband

A religious man was thinking about how good his wife was to him, so he prayed to God to give thanks.

To the man’s astonishment, the booming voice of God spoke to him.

Man: God, I’m so grateful that you gave me my wife. If I may ask, my Lord, why did you make her so beautiful?

God: I made her so beautiful so that you could love her, my son.

Man: And why did you make her so kind-hearted?

God: I made her such so that you could love her, my son.

Man: And God, did you make her such an amazing cook?

God: I blessed her with the talent of cooking so that you could love her, my son.

Man: Thank you, Lord, but forgive me but I must ask one more question. Why, God, did you make her so dumb?

God: I made her dumb, my son, so that she could love you.

China Landslide

Three men were buried under a landslide in China.

They were inside a car when it happened, and miraculously still haf cell phone connection.

The first man made a phone call to the police:

“I’m a good citizen and husband, please come save us!”

The police told him they would come for them in 24 hours.

The second man made a phone call to the army:

“Comrade, I served the country as you do, please get me out of here!”

The soldier told him they would come for them in 12 hours.

The final man made a phone call to someone, and made a whisper which the other two men couldn’t hear.

Within an hour, the men were dug out and rescued

A group of police officer walked up to the weary men:

“Alright, which one of you said Taiwan is a country?”

Breakfast Efficiency

My wife is an economist and I am an engineer.

I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed.

So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load maximization principle and carry all the items you need in one trip, thereby minimizing total distance travelled?”

Well don’t you know, she loved my suggestion!

It used to take her 11 minutes to make her breakfast… now I do it in 5.

Wet Floor

An old woman tells her husband that if he walks across the kitchen floor after she mops again she’s going to kill him.

The next time she mops the kitchen floor he does it again.

He gets the kitchen floor dirty and tracks water into the living room.

She does as promised.

Without saying a word she goes to their bedroom, gets his pistol out of the closet, and shoots him dead in his recliner.

Then she calls 911 and tells them, “I told my husband that if he walks through the kitchen after I mopped then I would kill him. He didn’t listen and I shot him.”

Emergency dispatch immediately sends an ambulance for the husband and a squad car for the wife.

The chief of police hears about the call shortly afterwards, thinks it’s a rather strange story so he drives to the house.

When he gets there his officers are still waiting outside.

He asks, “Officers, why haven’t you gone inside and arrested the woman?”

They reply, “Sir we can’t go in now. The kitchen floor is still wet.”

Love Making

A man’s walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.

“Twenty bucks,” she says. He’s never been with a lady of the night before, but he decides what the heck.

They are going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them — it’s a policeman.

“What’s going on here?” asks the officer.

“I’m making love to my wife,” the man answers indignantly.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” says the cop. “I didn’t know.”

“Well,” said the man, “To tell the truth neither did I until you flashed that light on her face.”

Library Book

I recently heard about this young adult novel in which Schrodinger’s cat and Pavlov’s dog team up for a cross county adventure.

So I headed on down to the library to see if they had a copy for my 10 year old daughter.

The librarian said that my description rang a bell but she wasn’t sure if it was there or not.

Lowest Rank

Can someone please tell me what the lowest rank in the army is?

Every time I ask someone, they tell me, “It’s private.”

Stained Teeth

My dentist said my teeth were stained.

Then he asked, “Do you smoke or drink coffee?”

I replied, “I drink it!”

Young Man Confession

A young man went into confession crying, and told the priest:

“Forgive me father for I have sinned.”

“What have you done?” asked the priest.

“A few weeks ago I went to the library. I remained there until closing time and when I was about to go home, rain started pouring down. It was so intense I had to wait in the library. I had waited for a while with the librarian, a young attractive single girl, then one thing led to another, and I ended up sleeping with her.”

The man stopped talking but kept weeping.

“Well don’t cry, it’s a sin but it is not that bad. You should say 5 Hail Marys and it will be forgiven,” said the priest.

“But it doesn’t end there,” the man kept sobbing. “A few days later my elderly neighbor asked me to help her with her computer. Her husband was hospitalized and she couldn’t send an email to her son. I went there and fixed the problem, but when I was about to leave, rain started pouring down. It was really stormy and I had to wait. One thing led to another and I ended up sleeping with the old lady.”

“Oh dear well that makes it harder indeed, but still – you should say 15 Hail Marys and you will be forgiven,” said the priest.

“Oh I’m afraid the worst part is still ahead,” cried the man. “Yesterday I went to the barber. I was his last client that day. As soon as he finished and was about to close the shop rain started pouring down so intensely, I had to wait with him. One thing led to another and I ended up sleeping with him as well.”

“Oh dear, it is indeed worse than I thought,” said the priest.

“So what should I do father?” the man asked.

“Well,” answered the priest, “You should get the hell out of here before it starts raining!”

Halloween Scare

“There’s only one thing that scares me at Halloween,” I said to my wife.

“Which is?” she asked questioningly.

“Exactly,” I replied.

Pop Tarts

Why are there Pop Tarts but no Mom Tarts?

Because of the pastryarchy.

Lost Rifle

When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $600.

That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.

Cat Medication

I accidentally took my cat’s meds this morning.

Don’t ask meow.

New Girlfriend

I asked my new girlfriend when her birthday was.

She said March 1st.

So I walked around the room and asked again.

Hotel Breakfast

What do you call a hotel breakfast that gives you diarrhea?

Incontinental.

Venice Boat

I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice.

My gondolences.

Tuna Time

Tuna must age about five times faster than humans.

This is supported by the fact that tuna half-hours are equal to 150 minutes.