Diabetes Awareness

I was on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies…

Is this a trick question?

Pretty Positive

I got called pretty today.

Well, actually, the full statement was “You’re pretty annoying”, but I only focus on positive things.

The Computer

My boss calls me “The computer”.

It’s nothing to do with intelligence; I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.

Grease Soundtrack

I told my therapist I can’t get the Grease soundtrack out of my head…

He said, “Tell me more”.

Grant Aid

My farmer friend used his government grant aid to buy baby chickens.

He got the money for nothing, and the chicks for free.

Postal Service

Why do women have a difficult time working for the postal service?

It’s mail-dominated.

Social Distancing

Social distancing has been particularly stressful for the Flat Earth Society.

They fear such measures will push someone over the edge.

Flat Tire

What vegetable do you need when you get a flat tire?

A-spare-I-guess.

Coconut Shampoo

I bought coconut shampoo today, but when I got home, I realized…

I don’t even have a coconut.

Sail Purchase

I bought a sail for my boat on Amazon the other day.

Today it dawned on me that it’s not the right size so I called to cancel.

They said it’s too late.

That sail has shipped.

Wistful Tree

Which tree wishes things were more like they used to be?

Pine.

Nice Pendant

I gave my French girlfriend a pendant with “le monde” carved in it.

It means the world to her.

Greatest Sci-Fi Show

If I’m being subjective, the greatest sci-fi show of all time is Dr. Who.

If I’m being objective, it’s Dr. Whom.

Dolly Parton Diet

My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet…

It really made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe leannnnnnn….

Upside Down Canoe

Today I learned that if a canoe turns upside down in the water, you can safely wear it on your head.

Because it’s capsized.

Paper Plane

What do you call a paper airplane that can’t fly?

Stationary.

New Year

Before the clock strikes midnight on December 31st be sure to lift your left leg.

That way you will start off the new year on the right foot.

Bacteria Math

Why are bacteria so bad at math?

Because they multiply by dividing.

Anteater

An anteater walks into a bar and the bartender asks, “Can I get you a drink?” “Nooooooooooooooooooooo!”

“How about something to eat?”

“Nooooooooooooooooooooo!”

“What about some peanuts?”

“Nooooooooooooooooooooo!”

Frustrated, the bartender cries, “What’s with the long no’s!?”

Arabic Greeting

I thought I heard someone say “Hello” in Arabic.

But it was a false Salaam.

Jedi Greeting

Why don’t the Jedi take off their shirts to greet each other?

Because only a Sith deals in ab salutes.

Christmas Wreath

What do you call a Christmas wreath made out of $100 bills?

Aretha Franklins.

Usually Atheist

I’m an atheist 11 months out of the year, but in December…

I’m eggnogstic.

Big Sofa

The salesman at the furniture store told me, “This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems.”

I said, “Where the hell am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”

Childminder

I just hired a beautiful 21 year old girl to look after my 1 year old baby.

Now I have two issues:

1. How to tell this to my wife.
2. Where to find a 1 year old baby.

Music Fan

A young boy is listening to the radio in the car with his father. “Dad, what music did you like growing up?”

“I was a huge fan of Led Zeppelin,” the father replies.

“Who?” the son asks.

“Yeah,” the dad responds, “I liked them too.”

Fish Lovers

My friend said, “My kid refuses to eat fish. What do you think is a good replacement?”

I said, “Cats. Cats love fish.”

Bad Cashier

I had the nastiest, rudest, slowest cashier today.

I guess it’s my own fault for using the self service checkout.

Octopus Laugh

How many times do you have to tickle an octopus to make it laugh?

Ten tickles.

Of course it only has 8 of those.

So the first two were test-tickles!

Jailed Drunk

A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”

“For drinking.” replies the cop.

“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”

Wife’s Underwear

“Your underwear is much too tight and very revealing,” I said to my wife.

She said, “Wear your own then.”

Shakespeare’s Pencil

I have a pencil that used to belong to William Shakespeare. He chewed it a lot.

Now, I can’t tell if it’s 2B or not 2B.