Stuck At Sea

What happened when the cast of ‘Friends’ were stuck out at sea in a life raft?

They were fine because Lisa Kudrow.

Frozen Peg Leg

What does a pirate say when he puts his peg leg in a freezer?

Shiver me timbers!

14 Reasons

My wife said, “I can think of 14 reasons to leave you, plus your obsession with tennis.”

I replied, “That’s 15 love.”

Suzie Loves Me!

Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced, “My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!”

The bartender inquired, “What makes you say that?”

Bill beamed with pride, “Last week, I had to take a couple of sick days from work…”

“Suzie was so thrilled to have me around, that every time a mail or delivery person came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”

Tired Dog

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard.

I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.

He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch.

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour.

This continued for several weeks.

Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: “Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.”

The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: “He lives in a home with four children – he’s trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?”

No Magnesium

Doctor: Sorry sir but your body has run out of magnesium.

Me: 0mg!

Finnish Lumberjack

A Finnish lumberjack moves to Canada for work.

Towards the end of his first work day, the foreman comes to speak to him, “So, how much work have you gotten done?”

“I’ve made 64 logs,” the Finn responds.

“Well that’s not enough, we agreed on 100 logs everyday,” the foreman said while shaking his head. “I’ll come check back on you tomorrow.”

The next day, the Finn makes 92 logs.

“Much better, but not enough, we need 100 logs,” the foreman says.

“I’m working as hard as a person possibly can, there’s no way I’m able to make anymore,” the Finn responds.

The foreman seems perplexed.

“Let me see your chainsaw, maybe there’s something wrong with it,” he says before inspecting the Finn’s chainsaw.

He starts the chainsaw up, and the Finn jumps back in fright, yelling, “What’s that noise?!”

IKEA CEO

The CEO of IKEA was just elected president in Sweden.

He should have his cabinet together by the end of the week.

Posh Theater

A man lays sprawled across three entire seats at a posh theater.

Before the show has even started, an usher walks by and notices the man.

“Sir, you’re only allowed one seat, can you please sit up?”

The man groans, but remains seated.

The usher, becoming impatient with the man, says, “Sir, if you don’t get up, I will need to get my manager involved.”

Again the man just groans, which infuriates the usher so he marches off to get the manager.

In a few moments he returns with the manager and they both repeatedly attempt to move him, but with no success.

It’s at this point that the manager calls the police.

Moments later, a police officer arrives and approaches the man, “Alright buddy, what’s your name?”

“Sam,” the man moans.

“And where ya from Sam?”

With pain in his voice Sam replies, “The balcony.”


Grandma’s Name

I asked my Grandpa, “After 65 years you still call Grandma darling, beautiful, and honey. What’s your secret?!

He said, “I forgot her name 5 years ago, I’m too scared to ask her.”

Cat In Heaven

A German Shepherd, a Doberman, and a cat died.

In Heaven, all three faced God, who wanted to know what they believed in.

The German Shepherd said, “I believe in discipline, training, and loyalty to my master.”

“Good!” said God. “Sit at my right side.”

Then God asked, “Doberman, what do you believe in?”

The Doberman answered, “I believe in the love, care, and protection of my master.”

“Aha,” said God, “You may sit on my left.”

Then God looked at the cat and asked, “And what do you believe in?”

“I believe,” replied the cat, “That you are sitting in my seat.”

How To Catch An Elephant

My grandpa asked me one day if I know how to catch an elephant.

Of course, I didn’t, so he explained how:

He said I first need to dig a giant hole, big enough for the elephant to fall in and not be able to get out.

I then need to put a large amount of firewood in there and burn it all until it’s nothing but ash.

The last thing to do is to line the entire pit with green peas.

Now, when the elephant goes to take a pea, you kick him in the ash-hole!

Facebook Blocked

My wife blocked me on Facebook because I post too many bird puns.

Well, toucan play at that game.

Mount Everest

I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, “Is it to scale?”

I replied, “No, it’s to look at.”

Piano Tuner

My uncle bought a piano from Nigeria.

So he brings it home and hires a guy to come tune it.

The piano tuner struggles with it and after five minutes says, “Lemme guess… West African piano?”

“Yeah, how did you know?” my uncle responds.

“Well, West African pianos are notoriously hard to tune,” the tuner says. “Not like North African pianos, they Tunisia.”

Hotel Towels

I stayed in a hotel last week where the towels were so thick….

I could hardly close my suitcase.

Bald Old Man

There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald.

That day, he called his children to a meeting.

He said, “Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it’s completely gone now. My hair can’t be saved. But look outside at the forest. It’s such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they’ll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair.”

“What I want you to do…” the man continued. “Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family’s duty to keep this forest strong.”

So they did.

Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them.

And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.

Clever Dog

I’ve trained my dog to go and fetch me a bottle of wine.

He’s a Bordeaux collie.

Boat Purchase

I asked my Dad why he decided to buy a boat.

He said “There was a sail.”

Aunt Karen

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, “My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke. The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket.”

“Very good,” said the teacher.

Next, Mary said, “We are farmers too. We had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got ten chicks. The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before they’re hatched.”

“Very good,” said the teacher again, very pleased with the responses so far.

Next it was Dave’s turn to tell his story: “My dad told me this story about my Aunt Karen…. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun, and a machete.”

“Go on,” said the teacher, intrigued.

“Aunt Karen drank the whiskey on the way down to prepare herself. Then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete ’til the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.”

“Good heavens,” said the horrified teacher, “What did your father say was the moral of that frightening story?”

“Stay away from Aunt Karen when she’s been drinking…”

Think Of A Word

If you can’t think of a word, say “I forgot the English word for it.”

That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.

Manage His Affairs

When my dad died it was left to me to manage his affairs.

How he kept all those women a secret from my mum I’ll never know.

Life Revolves Around Football

My wife just left me. She says life revolves around football and she’s sick of it.

I’m quite upset. We were together for 7 seasons.

Say What?

In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed in him.

To be fair though, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.

Adam’s Apples

What do you call a doctor who specializes in Adam’s apples?

A guyneckologist.

Bookstore

I went to a bookstore and saw a book titled “How to solve 50% of your problems”.

I bought 2.

Spelling Errors

I hate spelling errors.

You mix up two letters and your whole one liner is urined.

Bagel With Cream Cheese

I went to a deli and said, “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”

The kid behind the counter said, “Sorry we only take cash or credit cards.”

Ethics Failure

My professor told me that I’m failing my ethics class.

So I slid 20 dollars across the table and said, “What about now…?”

Eye Test

A Polish guy goes into an opticians for an eye test.

The optician holds up a card with CZWJNYSACZ on it and asks him can he read that?

The Pole, says “Read it? He’s my best friend.”

Mansplainer

Where does a mansplainer get his water?

From a well, actually.

Coming Home Now

My wife stormed into the bar last night as me and the boys were downing shots of tequila.

“You’re coming home now!” she screamed.

“No, I’m not,” I laughed.

She said, “I’m talking to the kids.”

Sunset Meeting

Lion: You’re late. We said meet at sunset.

Giraffe: I can still see the sun, you midget.

Fear Of Birds

I said to my therapist, “I’m getting a gun because of my fear of birds.”

She replied, “I think you might be getting carried away.”

I shouted, “Not without a fight, I’m not!”

Living Alone

When you live alone, the only thing that wakes you up faster than a cold toilet seat…

Is a warm toilet seat.