3 years ago I married my best friend.
My girlfriend was angry but me and Dave thought it was hilarious.
Joke Of The Day
Here at LaffGaff, we publish a brand new funny joke of the day each and every day of the year. So make sure you keep coming back for your daily laughs!
Here’s all our latest daily jokes (they’re ideal for celebrating International Joke Day, which is on July 1st):
Latest Daily Jokes:
Hawaii Vacation
This is going to be the first year our family won’t be going to Hawaii because of COVID-19.
Usually it’s because we can’t afford it.
Giant Fly
A giant fly has attacked the local police.
Police have called in a SWAT team.
Mugshot Picture
After I was arrested, my ex-wife decided to hang a picture of my mugshot on the wall in her living room.
But she still won’t admit she framed me.
Alcohol Is Not The Answer
My dad’s answer to everything is alcohol.
He doesn’t drink, it’s just that he’s really bad at crossword puzzles.
Backwards Origami
Breaking news: a man has just been arrested for completing an origami course backwards.
We will update you as the situation unfolds.
Interesting Chess
I play chess regularly with my friend, but last time he suddenly said, “Let’s make this interesting.”
So we stopped and went home.
Stomach Butterflies
My son asked, “Dad, every time I talk to girls, I get butterflies in my stomach! What should I do?!”
I gently put my arm around him and replied, “That’s easy son…”
“Stop eating caterpillars!”
Short Poem
I dig, you dig, he digs, she digs we dig, they dig.
It’s not a long poem, but it’s deep.
Strange Cactus
I think there’s something wrong with the cactus I’m growing.
But I can’t put my finger on it.
Noah’s Ark
One day God calls down to Noah and says, “Noah my old buddy, I want you to make me a new ark.”
Noah replies, “No problem God, my old Supreme Being, anything you want after all you’re the boss!”
But God interrupts, “Ah, but there’s a catch. This time Noah, I do not want just a couple of decks, I want 20 decks one on top of the other.”
“20 decks!”, shouts Noah. “Well, Okay Big Man, whatever you say. Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?”
“Yep, that’s right, well… sort of right… this time I want you to fill it up with fish,” God answers.
“Fish?” queries Noah.
“Yep, fish . . well, to make it more specific Noah, I want carp wall to wall, floor to ceiling carp!”
Noah looks to the skies. “Okay God, let me get this right, You want a new ark?”
“Yeah.”
“With 20 decks, one on top of the other?”
“Yeah.”
“And you want it full of carp?”
“Check.”
“But why?” asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether.
“Dunno,” says God, “I just fancied a multi-storey carp ark.”
Chess Champion
Not to brag, but I defeated our local chess champion in less than 5 moves.
Finally my high school karate lessons came to some use.
Duck Eggs
I stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
Scared Joker
Why did The Joker have to sleep with his lights on?
Because he was afraid of the Dark Knight.
Do Not Touch
There’s something that I don’t like about “DO NOT TOUCH” signs.
I just can’t put my finger on it.
Military Births
What do you say to a woman who has given birth to members of the military?
Thank you for your cervix.
Write A Book
My wife said, “Why don’t you write a book instead of your stupid word play jokes?”
I said, “That’s a novel idea.”
Eye Surgery
A guy just finishes his Lasik surgery and his surgeon leads him in his office to discuss the surgery.
The surgeon asks if he wants the good news or bad news first.
The man excitedly replies, “I’ll take the good news first.”
The surgeon tells him, “Well, you’re about to get a new dog.”
Smart Beer
My friend told me that beer would make him smarter.
But I don’t think that anything would make my Budweiser.
Forgive Me
Forgive me father, pastor, vicar, padre, priest…
For I have synonymed.
