Women Call Me Ugly

Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor.

Electrician Love

Why did the electrician fall in love with every girl he met?

Because he couldn’t resistor.

Koi Travel

Why do koi only travel in groups of four?

It’s to protect against predators. When they’re attacked, Koi A, B, and C travel in one direction.

The other one is the D koi.

TV Sound Quality

My dad claimed he could boost our TV’s sound quality by putting plastic wrap over the speakers.

He said Saran-sound is all the rage nowadays.

Not Working

Her: This isn’t working between us. For starters, I’m sick of your stupid jokes.

Me: I see. And for the main course?

Marble Cake Recipe

The recipe for marble cake is not what you might first think it is.

Totally unrelated topic – anybody know a good dentist?

Baggage Check

I fly often for business. Yesterday, I had three bags to check.

I said, “I’d like this bag to go to New Orleans, this one to Seattle, and the third to Chicago.”

The gate agent rolled her eyes and said, “We can’t do that!”

I said, “Why not? You did it last week.”

Africa Obsession

My wife left me because I’m obsessed with Africa.

Kenya believe it?

And we have two kids together; this divorce is Ghana be so hard on them.

Same Pharaoh

Did you know most Egyptian people are related to the same Pharaoh?

They have Tut-in-common.

Library Wedding

Why couldn’t the couple get married at the library?

Because it was all booked up.

Cabbage Display

While at the grocery store, be careful not to knock over the cabbage display.

Heads will roll.

Executioner Job

I took a job as an executioner, but it’s been tough.

I’m really struggling to get ahead.

Chicken Ghost

I think my house is haunted by the ghost of a chicken.

I may have a poultrygeist.

Retina Specialist

I’m a doctor and I told a patient that he needed to see a retina specialist but he adamantly disagreed.

He eventually stopped seeing me.

Toothless Trees

I finally realized why trees don’t have teeth.

Turns out, they’re all bark and no bite.

Binary Course

I signed up for Binary 101 but failed it miserably.

I had no idea it was a Level 5 course.

Park Bench

A man goes for a walk in the park.

On his walk, he sees two men sat on a park bench and looking very down.

“What’s wrong?” He asked them.

One of the men looks up at the man and lets out a long sigh: “Take a seat and I’ll tell you.”

Curious, he sits down next to the two men.

“The paint’s wet,” the man says.

Lakes And Rivers

I love watching programmes about lakes and rivers on the internet.

Anything water related really.

I’m actually watching a live stream right now.

Wet Laundry

Why is Billy Joel’s laundry still wet?

“He Didn’t Start The Dryer.”

Last Request

As an executioner, I often ask prisoners for their last requests.

My last inmate asked me for a high five, but I just left him hanging.

Ryan Gosling

My wife often compares me to Ryan Gosling.

She’ll say, “You’re nothing like Ryan Gosling.”

Wet Grass

People think grass don’t be wet in the morning.

But it dew.

Bonsai Business

My friend had a business selling bonsai trees.

He was so successful he had to move into smaller premises!

Electrician App

I’m creating an app to find qualified electricians in your area.

It’s called Wattsapp.

Gave Up Smoking

My dad gave up smoking cold turkey.

He’s doing better now but he’s still coughing up feathers.

Vacation Or Staycation

My wife wanted to go on vacation but I wanted a staycation.

So we compromised and had an altercation.

Clam On A Leash

This morning I saw a guy dragging a clam on a leash.

And I thought, “It must be hard to walk with a pulled mussel.”

Chemistry Class Joke

During chemistry class, I learned that sulphur dioxide should never be poured into a metal container.

It’s just an oxidant waiting to happen.