Gym Goer

Started going to the gym and I dropped 10 pounds very quickly.

Thankfully the dumbbell missed my foot.

Boomerang Mistake

I should have never glued a piranha to my boomerang.

I just know it’s going to come back to bite me.

Hot Air Balloon

I saw a lion get in to a hot air balloon basket.

It caused quite an uproar.

Wardrobe Trouble

I always get frustrated trying to put my trousers in the wardrobe.

I think I have hanger management issues.

Camouflaged Bull

My credit card company sent me a camouflaged bull.

It’s the hidden charges you have to watch out for.

Minor Keys

C, E-flat and G walk into a bar.

“Sorry,” said the bartender, “We don’t serve minors here.”

Rodent Opera

I saw an opera about a rodent that goes round letting the air out of tyres.

Deflator Mouse.

Not Old

I’m not saying I’m old.

I’m just saying that my dinner time and my bed time are getting dangerously close to each other.

Amnesia

The doctor asked me how long I’d had amnesia.

I said, “For as long as I can remember.”

Broken Fingers

I got into an accident and I was surprised when the doctor handed me a report saying that my fingers were all broken.

The news was hard for me to grasp.

Door Lock Replacement

I’m writing a song about getting my door lock replaced.

There’s a key change at the end.

Poor Quality Oats

I bought some oats for my horse but returned them because they were poor quality.

The manager took my feedback.

Clown Jump

A friend of mine hurt himself trying to jump over a wall whilst dressed as a clown.

It was his own stupid vault.

Tortoise Scarves

Why don’t you see many tortoises wearing scarves?

They have turtlenecks.

Pancake Flipper

I used to wonder who flipped a vampire’s pancakes.

Turns out it’s Count Spatula.

100 Sit-Ups

I tried doing 100 sit-ups but I didn’t finish.

My stomach couldn’t handle that kind of ab use.

Mountain Climbers

My advice to anyone wanting to climb the mountains between France and Spain:

You will need strong legs and a good Pyrenees.

Boat Swap

I swapped my boat for a new ship I hadn’t seen before.

I thought it was worth a punt.

Blended Tomatoes

I like to put coriander on my blended tomatoes.

It’s soup herb.

New Doorbell

I’ve decided to get a new doorbell.

Don’t knock it until you try it.

Sofa Nap

I’m having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep.

I call that a snors d’oeuvre.

Battery Kiosk

I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk in the local park.

So basically, she sells C cells by the seesaw.

Festival Evacuation

They had to evacuate my local music festival when a band did a cover of Boogie Wonderland.

It set off the Earth, Wind and Fire alarm.

Puzzled Look

My wife woke up the other day with a puzzled look on her face.

She’d fallen asleep on her crossword.

Dinosaur Novels

I asked the librarian if she knew of any authors who wrote dinosaur novels.

She said, “Yes, try Sarah Topps.”

Suspicious Mole

I went to the doctor with a suspicious-looking mole.

He said they all look that way and I should have left him in the garden.

Prosthetic Eye

Did you hear about the man who only paid 5 cents for a prosthetic eye?

His name was Nikolai.

Recovering Hackers

I went to a meeting of recovering hackers.

It was called Anonymous Anonymous.

Engraving Lessons

I’ve started taking engraving lessons.

There’s still so much to learn, we’ve only just scratched the surface.

Guitar Lesson

Want to know one of the most important lessons in learning how to play guitar?

Stay tuned.

Saving Everyone

A friend once told me, “You can’t go around saving everyone. They have to learn to save themselves.”

Great friend. Terrible lifeguard.

Tightrope Walker

Why did the lion eat the tightrope walker?

He wanted a well-balanced meal.

U2 Tribute Band

A friend of mine was in a great U2 tribute band.

Then they lost their Edge.

Bedtime

When I was a kid, bedtime was 9 pm and I couldn’t wait to be a grownup so I could go to bed anytime I wanted.

Turns out that is 9 pm.

Finding Bigfoot

I asked the librarian for a book on “Finding Bigfoot”.

She directed me to the large print section.

Cooking Approach

I cook by making up a recipe and adding a German white wine.

It’s an add hock approach to cooking.

Rehab Center

I walked by a rehab center the other day.

The sign on the lawn said, “Keep off the grass”.

Pasta Factory

Who is the saddest person in the pasta factory?

The guy who’s filling cannelloni.

Musical Differences

My friend lost his job as a journalist at a classic rock magazine through musical differences.

He was always giving rave reviews.

Hospital Parking

I parked in a hospital car park today.

The attendant came up and said, “This is for badge holders only”.

I said, “But I’ve got a bad shoulder”.

Black Hole Cult

My friend has joined a cult that worships black holes.

I’d hate to get sucked into something like that.