Edible Scrabble
I suspect there will never be an edible version of Scrabble.
But if there is, I’ll eat my words.
Joke Of The Day Archives
Broken Crystal Ball
I went to a psychic and accidentally broke her crystal ball.
It cost me a fortune.
Clock Implant
I got a clock implanted in my brain.
I’ve been having second thoughts ever since.
Black And White Stripes
A friend of mine keeps trying to paint black and white stripes on my back.
I wish he’d stop badgering me.
King Arthur’s Army
Why was King Arthur’s army too tired to fight?
It had too many sleepless knights.
Janitor Award Winner
I won all the trophies at the Janitor Association Awards.
It was a clean sweep.
Drunk Auction
A friend of mine got drunk and went to an auction.
He doesn’t remember a lot.
Space Duck
Why can’t you send a duck to space?
Because the bill would be astronomical.
Rising Prices
Coffee, tea and beer prices continue to rise.
Anger is brewing across the nation.
Clapping Elves
What do you call it when all the elves clap for their boss?
Santapplause.
Tallest Christmas Tree
I saw the winner of the tallest Christmas tree competition.
I thought, “How do I top that?”
Pet Bird
My pet bird trimmed his feathers and now he thinks he’s James Bond.
He’s a shorn canary.
Birthday Present
I got a friend a rope tied to a bucket for their birthday.
It went down well.
Biblical Warrior
Many will know about Samson, the strong biblical warrior.
His dad, Samsonite, was even more of a hard case.
Lie Spotting Animal
What do you call an animal that knows if you’re lying?
Sea lion.
Clingy Alien
What do you call an extremely clingy alien?
A personal space invader.
Dentist Vacation
I went to see my dentist the other day but she was on vacation.
There was a locum filling in.
Alphabet Soup Eater
My son told me he didn’t think he’d like alphabet soup, but turns out he does.
Now he’s going to eat his words.
Antelope
I saw an antelope the other day.
First insect wedding that I’ve attended.
Good Food
We do not throw away perfectly good food in this house.
We put it in Tupperware and wait for it to go bad and then we throw it away.
Holiday Weight
Managing your weight around the holidays just requires a little planning.
For example, I took the batteries out of my scale on Wednesday.
Sloth Socks
Why don’t sloths wear socks?
They always have bear feet.
Christmas Tree And iPad
What do you get if you cross a Christmas tree with an iPad?
A pineapple.
Double Negatives
I hate when people use double negatives.
That’s a big no-no.
College Fund
I had a college fund, but I spent it on a boat and called it my scholar ship.
Drunk Dinosaur
What do you call a drunk dinosaur?
A staggersaurus.
Reheat Fish
How long does it take to reheat fish in the microwave?
Tuna half minutes.
Bull Seller
A farmer once tried to sell me his bull.
I didn’t buy it. He was charging too much.
Alien Song
I heard a great operatic song about aliens.
Aria 51.
Pet Aardvark
I tried to feed my pet aardvark some flying ants today.
He turned his nose up.
Ear Doctor
I saw an ear doctor today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion.
Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Sat Nav Lover
I love my sat nav.
I’d be lost without it.
Castle Wedding
I made my wife’s dreams come true and we got married in a castle.
But you wouldn’t have known it from the look on her face as we were bouncing around.
Footwear
If artists wear Sketchers …
Do linguists wear Converse?
Photography Joke Teller
A friend of mine is always going on about photography jokes.
You just can’t shutter up.
Peripheral Vision
I keep seeing printers, scanners and webcams out of the corner of my eye.
It’s my peripheral vision.
Athletic Pirate
What do you call an athletic pirate?
Gym lad.
Twin Brother
I haven’t seen my twin brother since I left Australia.
We were separated at Perth.
Favorite Utensil
What’s a cat’s favorite kitchen utensil?
A whisker.
Pasta Purchase
I spent my entire life savings on pasta.
It was worth every penne.
