Poker Tables
My friend claims his furniture company makes the best poker tables ever.
But I wouldn’t bet on it.
Joke Of The Day Archives
Wine Return
I’m taking my box of wine back and filing a complaint.
It said once opened it would last 6 weeks, but it was gone after 3 hrs.
Banana Eater
What do you call it when one banana eats another?
Cannibananabalism.
Pirate Jokes
To be clear, I don’t mind seeing a few pirate jokes every now and then.
But please let’s not go overboard.
Velcro Shoes
l’ve decided to get Velcro shoes instead of lace-ups.
I mean, why knot?
Herbs
Today, my parsley, basil, and rosemary all turned against me.
Thyme is on my side, though.
Octopus Coat
I saw a knight wearing a coat shaped like an octopus.
Apparently, it was his coat of arms.
Roof Repair
Who does Beyoncé call when she needs her roof repaired?
All the shingle ladies! All the shingle ladies!
Hindsight
Professor X: What’s your super power?
Me: Hindsight.
Professor X: That’s not going to help us.
Me: Yes I see that now.
Posture Specialist
I had a date with a posture specialist.
She stood me up.
Ibuprofen
You know you’re over 40 when you have “upstairs ibuprofen” and “downstairs ibuprofen”.
Computer Programming
How do you make a computer say “5”?
You’ll figure it out. It’s programming binary 101.
Carbonation Study
What do you call a scientist that studies carbonation?
A fizzicist.
Repetitive Phrases
I hate it when people use repetitive phrases.
Enough is enough.
For The Record
For the record …
I should probably buy a turntable.
Bugs Bunny
Bugs Bunny won’t accept files through Google Drive.
He’ll only take a WhatsApp doc.
Limbo Dancer And Locksmith
A limbo dancer married a locksmith.
The wedding was low key.
Second Hand Store
I saw a man with one arm shopping at a second hand store.
I don’t think he’s gonna find what he’s looking for.
New Printer
I got a clever new printer that has printed a selfie I took in ultra violet ink.
Now people see me in a different light.
Stir Fry
Why can’t stir fry be cooked on the ocean?
Because you can’t wok on water.
Medieval Soldier
We argued all day over what to call a medieval soldier.
But it was getting late so we called it a knight.
Tubes Of Glue
I got fired because I couldn’t make a thousand tubes of glue an hour.
I guess I couldn’t handle a fast paste working environment.
Neuralink
I just read that Elon Musk’s Neuralink brain chip can be implanted with a tiny fan to help keep your head from overheating.
That’s mind-blowing.
Grave Digger
What’s a grave digger’s favorite element?
Barium.
Tour Bus
Sad to hear The Who’s old tour bus has finally broken down for good.
It won’t get fuelled again.
Tribute Band
I’m starting a tribute band called “Paper.”
We cover rock.
Sick Astronauts
When astronauts get sick …
Do they feel over the weather?
Password Hacked
My email password got hacked again.
That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
Bank Note Washer
A friend of mine invented a washing machine for bank notes.
It’s a real money spinner.
Word Misuse
It annoys me when people misuse the words concrete, asphalt and gravel.
It’s all about cementics.
Morse Code Inventor
The inventor of Morse code has passed away.
Dashes to dashes, dots to dots.
Thesaurus Club
First rule of Thesaurus Club:
You do not talk, speak, chat, deliberate, confer, gab, or converse about Thesaurus Club.
Coin Collecting
I think I’m gonna take up coin collecting.
The change will do me good.
Fishing Music
Any recommendations for music I can listen to while I’m fishing?
I’m looking for something catchy.
Balding Friend
A balding friend of mine has finally cut off his remaining ponytail.
It was a hipsterectomy.
Percussion Instruments
For my next trick, I will push a bunch of percussion instruments down a hill.
Drum roll, please!
Contractor Party
I threw a party for all the contractors who helped build my house. The door guy showed up late.
But he really knew how to make an entrance.
Gym Workout
Me: “I’m surprised at how winded I am by this workout.”
Trainer: “This was the tour of the gym.”
Chiropodist Job
My friend got a new job as a chiropodist and found the first day really difficult.
I guess he was still finding his feet.
Digital Camera
Ever since buying a digital camera, I can only think of its positive points.
There aren’t any negatives.
Laryngitis Clinic
They kept me waiting for ages at the laryngitis clinic.
About four hours, roughly speaking.
Italian Dumpling
A friend of mine has a mobile phone shaped like an Italian dumpling.
It’s a gnocchia.
Castle Sleep
I sleep in a castle once every two weeks.
It’s my fort night.
Smartest Mountain
What do you call the smartest mountain?
Mount Cleverest.
Keyboard Thief
After stealing all the punctuation marks off the judge’s keyboard …
I’m expecting a long sentence.
Police Trees
Someone cut down all the trees by the police station.
Authorities were left stumped.
Stopped Escalator
What does an escalator say when it stops working?
Nothing, it just stairs.
Umbrellas
I know a bunch of good jokes about umbrellas.
But they usually go over people’s heads.
Coal Company
My father owned a coal company, but mostly kept it to himself.
Mined his own business.
Underwater Explosives
You think jokes about underwater explosives are bad?
Just wait until you sea mine.
