New Girlfriend

I asked my new girlfriend when her birthday was.

She said March 1st.

So I walked around the room and asked again.

Hotel Breakfast

What do you call a hotel breakfast that gives you diarrhea?

Incontinental.

Venice Boat

I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice.

My gondolences.

Tuna Time

Tuna must age about five times faster than humans.

This is supported by the fact that tuna half-hours are equal to 150 minutes.

Young Doctor

A young doctor had moved to a small town to replace a doctor who was retiring.

The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds so that the community would become used to their new doctor.

At the first house a woman complains, “I’ve been a little sick to my stomach.”

The older doctor says, “Well, you’ve probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you’ve been eating and see if that does the trick?”

As they left, the younger man said, “You didn’t even examine that woman, how did you come to your diagnosis so quickly?”

“I didn’t have to examine her. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? Well, when I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the waste bin. I knew that was what probably was making her sick.”

The younger doctor said, “Pretty clever. If you don’t mind, I think I’ll try that at the next house.”

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman.

She just didn’t have the energy she once had and said, “I’m feeling terribly run down lately.”

“You’ve probably been doing too much for the Church,” the younger doctor told her. “Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps.”

As they left, the elder doctor said, “I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, she’s very active in the church but how did you arrive at it?”

“I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the vicar under the bed.”

My Name Is Jeff

Me: Hi my name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic.

AAA: Sir, this is Triple A, not AA.

Me: I know, I’m trying to explain why my car is in the lake.

Proof Reader

A wizard asked me to proof read one of his scrolls last week.

Actually it was more of a spell check.

Ikea Lawyers

I heard you can get lawyers at Ikea now.

They’re very affordable, but you have to build your own case.

Earwig Belief

As a boy, I was made to believe that earwigs lived in ears.

After that, I was terrified of cockroaches.

Old Fridge

A guy bought a new fridge for his house.

To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying, “Free to good home — you want it you take it.”

For three days, the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it.

He eventually decided that people were rather skeptical about such a good deal, so he changed the sign to read, “Fridge for sale, $50.”

The next day, someone stole it.

Podium Salesman

I’m proud of my job as a podium salesman.

It’s a product I can stand behind.

Software Tester

A software tester walks into a bar.

Runs into a bar.

Crawls into a bar.

Dances into a bar.

Flies into a bar.

Jumps into a bar.

And orders:

A beer.

2 beers.

0 beers.

99999999 beers.

A lizard in a beer glass.

-1 beer.

“Qwertyuiop” beers.

Testing complete.

A real customer walks into the bar and asks where the bathroom is.

The bar goes up in flames.

Salad Offer

At the marketplace, a seller advertises “1 salad for $3, 3 salads for $10”.

A customer passing by stops and speaks with the seller:

“That’s not right!”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, that’s not an offer: 3 salads cost $9.”

“No, sir, it says here that 3 salads cost $10.”

“I know, but if I buy 1 salad, how much do I pay?”

“$3.”

“And if I buy 2?”

“$6.”

“Yes, because 3+3=6, now what about 3+3+3?”

“That makes 9.”

“So 3 salads cost $9.”

“No sir, they cost $10, it’s written just over there, on that board.”

The client can’t fathom such stubbornness in another human being and proceeds to prove his point to the seller:

“Here, let me buy a salad.”

“That will be $3, sir.”

“Now, I’d like one more salad.”

“That will be $3 again, sir.”

“Finally, let me buy one last salad.”

“That will also be $3, sir.”

“How much did I pay you those 3 salads?”

“$3+$3+$3, you paid $9.”

“See? 3 salads are worth $9, not $10, you won’t sell many salads if you do it this way.”

“Yes sir, I’ve sold almost all my stock to people like you wanting to prove they’re smarter than me by buying 3 salads they don’t need, just to make sure they are superior.”

Voodoo Doll

I went to the acupuncturist the other day.

When I got home my voodoo doll was dead.

Strange Patient

A man comes running to the doctor shouting and screaming in pain. “Please doctor you’ve got to help me. I’ve been stung by a bee.”

“Don’t worry,” says the doctor, “I’ll put some cream on it.”

“You’ll never find that bee. It must be miles away by now.”

“No, you don’t understand!” answers the doctor, “I’ll put some cream on the place you were stung.”

“Oh! It happened in the garden in back of my house.”

“No, no, no!” says the doctor getting frustrated, “I mean on which part of your body did that bee sting you.”

“On my finger!” screamed the man in pain. “The bee stung me on my finger and it really hurts.”

“Which one?” the doctor asked.

“How am I supposed to know? All bees look the same to me!”

Place Stealer

To the person who stole my place in the queue…

I’m after you now.

Dung Beetle

A dung beetle walks into a bar and asks, “Is this stool taken?”

Astronomy Interest

My wife suggested I get a telescope, since I was so interested in astronomy.

I told her I’d look into it.

Penguin Oil

Penguins produce an oil that helps their feathers retain heat.

So the oily bird gets the warm.

Calm Skeletons

Why are skeletons always so calm?

Because nothing can get under their skin.

Car Breakdown

Four engineers get into a car but the car won’t start.

The mechanical engineer says, “It’s a broken starter.”

The electrical engineer says, “Dead battery.”

The chemical engineer says, “Impurities in the gasoline.”

The IT engineer says, “Hey guys, I have an idea, how about we all get out of the car and get back in.”

Forgery

Policeman: You’re going to prison for forgery.

Me: *Slides him a $37 bill.* What about now?

Composer Movie

Stallone: I’m making a movie about classical composers. I’ll be Chopin.

Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.

Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.

Dog Ball

I threw a ball for my dog.

It’s a bit extravagant I know, but it was his birthday and he looks great in a tuxedo.

Psychic Shopper

A psychic is buying clothes:

Employee: How about this one?

Psychic: That shirt is too small.

Employee: You didn’t even try it on.

Psychic: I’m a medium.

House Builder

What did the carpenter say when he finished building his house?

Nailed it.

Peach Gift

My friend handed me a peach.

I told him I prefer pears.

So he handed me another one.

Subtle Hints

It’s my wife’s birthday next week and she’s been leaving jewelry catalogs all over our house.

So I got her a magazine rack.

New Band

My friends and I have started a band and called it “Books”.

So no one can judge us by our covers.