Expensive Teslas
I figured out why Teslas are so expensive.
It’s because they charge a lot.
I figured out why Teslas are so expensive.
It’s because they charge a lot.
If you lose one of your senses, your other senses are enhanced.
This is why people with no sense of humor have a heightened sense of self-importance.
How do you buy a kitten when the pet store is closed?
You order it from the cat-alogue.
I had to fire the guy I hired to mow my lawn.
He just didn’t cut it.
Doctor you’ve got to help me, I’m addicted to Twitter.
Doctor: I don’t follow you.
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly …
And as you can see, they were Wright.
I was on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies…
Is this a trick question?
I got called pretty today.
Well, actually, the full statement was “You’re pretty annoying”, but I only focus on positive things.
My boss calls me “The computer”.
It’s nothing to do with intelligence; I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7, 8.
I told my therapist I can’t get the Grease soundtrack out of my head…
He said, “Tell me more”.
My farmer friend used his government grant aid to buy baby chickens.
He got the money for nothing, and the chicks for free.
People call me self centered.
But that’s enough about them.
Why do women have a difficult time working for the postal service?
It’s mail-dominated.
Social distancing has been particularly stressful for the Flat Earth Society.
They fear such measures will push someone over the edge.
What vegetable do you need when you get a flat tire?
A-spare-I-guess.
I bought coconut shampoo today, but when I got home, I realized…
I don’t even have a coconut.
I bought a sail for my boat on Amazon the other day.
Today it dawned on me that it’s not the right size so I called to cancel.
They said it’s too late.
That sail has shipped.
Which tree wishes things were more like they used to be?
Pine.
I gave my French girlfriend a pendant with “le monde” carved in it.
It means the world to her.
If I’m being subjective, the greatest sci-fi show of all time is Dr. Who.
If I’m being objective, it’s Dr. Whom.
I’m not wearing glasses anymore.
I’ve seen enough.
My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet…
It really made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe leannnnnnn….
On Monday we start Diarrhoea Awareness Week.
Runs until Friday.
It hurts me to say this…
But, I have a sore throat.
Today I learned that if a canoe turns upside down in the water, you can safely wear it on your head.
Because it’s capsized.
What do you call a paper airplane that can’t fly?
Stationary.
Before the clock strikes midnight on December 31st be sure to lift your left leg.
That way you will start off the new year on the right foot.
Why are bacteria so bad at math?
Because they multiply by dividing.
An anteater walks into a bar and the bartender asks, “Can I get you a drink?” “Nooooooooooooooooooooo!”
“How about something to eat?”
“Nooooooooooooooooooooo!”
“What about some peanuts?”
“Nooooooooooooooooooooo!”
Frustrated, the bartender cries, “What’s with the long no’s!?”
I thought I heard someone say “Hello” in Arabic.
But it was a false Salaam.
Why can’t two elephants swim at the same time?
They only have a pair of trunks.
Why don’t the Jedi take off their shirts to greet each other?
Because only a Sith deals in ab salutes.
What do you call a Christmas wreath made out of $100 bills?
Aretha Franklins.
I’m an atheist 11 months out of the year, but in December…
I’m eggnogstic.
The salesman at the furniture store told me, “This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems.”
I said, “Where the hell am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”
I just hired a beautiful 21 year old girl to look after my 1 year old baby.
Now I have two issues:
1. How to tell this to my wife.
2. Where to find a 1 year old baby.
A young boy is listening to the radio in the car with his father. “Dad, what music did you like growing up?”
“I was a huge fan of Led Zeppelin,” the father replies.
“Who?” the son asks.
“Yeah,” the dad responds, “I liked them too.”
My friend said, “My kid refuses to eat fish. What do you think is a good replacement?”
I said, “Cats. Cats love fish.”
I had the nastiest, rudest, slowest cashier today.
I guess it’s my own fault for using the self service checkout.