Old Age App
I tried out one of those apps that show you what you look like as an old person.
It’s called Camera.
Joke Of The Day Archives
Clown Tag
What’s the worst part about playing tag with a clown?
When the clown is It.
Water Park Addiction
I went to a water park, tried a couple of slides and now I’m worried I’m getting addicted.
It’s a slippery slope.
Giraffe Bar
A giraffe walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve Heineken here.”
Knitted Sunglasses
My friend who’s a knitter told me she has a pattern for sunglasses.
I think she’s trying to pull the wool over my eyes.
Dollar Dentures
My dentist offered me dentures for only a dollar.
It sounded like a good deal at the time, but now I have buck teeth.
Chiropractor Breakup
What do you call a mutual breakup between two chiropractors?
A joint decision.
More Greens
The doctor said I need to eat more greens.
So I’m switching to mint chocolate chip ice cream.
Talented People
I know some talented people but none can hold a candle to what my friend Jack does.
He makes gunpowder.
Spider Fear
In Iran, everyone is afraid of spiders.
But in Iraq, no phobia.
Fred Flintstone Aftershave
I just picked up a bottle of that new Fred Flintstone aftershave. It’s strong stuff, you only need to use a tiny bit.
A little dab’ll do.
Light Bulb Change
How many turban-wearing men does it take to change a light bulb?
Sikhs.
Leaning Tower Of Pisa
Did you hear about the plans to install a clock face on the Leaning Tower of Pisa?
It will have the time and the inclination.
Spring Onions
My local spring onions have started singing hip hop.
The little rap scallions.
Penguin Decisions
How do penguins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
Orange
What did the chick say when his mum laid an orange?
Look what marmalade.
Sandwich-Making Job
I went to a deli to apply for a sandwich-making job.
They told me all the rolls were taken.
Inflatable Thief
Someone has stolen a collection of inflatables from the local pool.
Police think he’s decided to lilo.
Billboard
I saw a billboard with a picture of a watch on it.
I guess that’s a sign of the times.
Scrabble Club
I forgot to pay my monthly Scrabble Club subscription.
Now they’re sending me threatening letters.
Suit Of Armor
Single suit of armor now half price.
For one knight only.
New Jacket
I got a new jacket recently made entirely of living plants.
I wasn’t sure at first, but it’s grown on me.
Sea Bird Thief
A friend of mine is struggling with a serious addiction, stealing sea birds.
He was getting better but he’s recently taken a tern.
Bathroom Grenade
What do you get when you toss a hand grenade into a French bathroom?
Linoleum Blownapart.
Garment Factory
A friend of mine owned a garment factory.
I suggested he tried making wallets, but he was too clothes minded.
Horse Manure
A gardener friend suggested I put horse manure on my strawberries.
Tried it. I’m going back to cream.
Secret Society
I am joining a secret society of electrical engineers. They just asked me to step into a large coil with a battery attached.
This is their current induction process.
Strange Name Change
I’m changing my name to Bimimell. It’s pronounced “Bill”.
The mime is silent.
Caesarean
I thought the word ‘Caesarean’ started with the letter S.
But when I looked it up in the dictionary, it was in the C section.
French Police
I got stopped by the police in France because the number 9 on my registration was obscured by mud.
He let me go because he said he could see I had a neuf on my plate.
Yacht Obsession
What do doctors do for people obsessed with yachts?
Prescribe anti-buy-yachtics.
Palindrome Society
What car does the chairman of the palindrome society drive?
A Toyota.
Sailing Enthusiast
It’s okay to be a bit enthusiastic about sailing.
Just don’t go overboard.
Trampoline Phobia
I have a phobia of trampolines.
I can’t help it, they just always make me jump.
Racing Seals
Why are seals good at motor racing?
Because they are often in pole position.
Musketeers
A friend played for a soccer team called the Musketeers.
They started the season with three wins and a draw, all 4-1 and one 4-all.
Barcode
When I was in the supermarket earlier, I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode.
I asked, “Are you two an item?”
Nail Gun
My wife shot me with the nail gun today.
She must think I’m a stud.
Illegal Bees
A guy tried to sell me illegal bees to make free honey.
I said no because I knew it was a sting operation.
Leftovers
My son asked me if I ate his leftovers in the fridge.
I said, “No, I ate them on the couch.”
