News Anchor

My wife is threatening to kick me out of the house because of my obsession with acting like a news anchor.

More on this after the break.

Queen Albums

I listened to Queen albums for 12 hours in a row, and now I feel a little sick.

It must be the high Mercury content.

Shared Parking

I have a shared parking lot with my neighbor.

I don’t like him much, but I’ve decided to try to be his friend. After all…

We have a lot in common

Last Wish

My grandfather’s last wish was that we convert his ashes into a diamond.

That’s a lot of pressure.

Race Cars

I was in a bar the other day when a girl asked me, “What do you do?”

I said, “I race cars.”

She asked, “Do you win many races?”

I said, “No, the cars are much faster.”

Own Boss

I was in a taxi today and the driver said, “I love my job. I’m my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do.”

I said, “Turn left here.”

Last Words

The last thing my grandfather said before he died was “Pints, Liters, Gallons!”

That spoke volumes.

Morning Coffee

I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself…

I really need to wash some mugs.

Upcoming Cruise

My wife was worried about meeting new people on our upcoming cruise.

I said, “Don’t worry. We’ll all be in the same boat.”

Whistle

I warned my daughter about using her whistle inside and gave her one last chance.

Unfortunately, she blew it.