Patient Knees
As a doctor, I’m addicted to hitting my patients on their knees.
I really get a kick out of it.
Joke Of The Day Archives
Missing Spine
What do you call a person missing 75%, of their spine?
A quarterback.
Two Structures
My friend said I wouldn’t be able to name two structures that hold water.
I was like, “Well, damn.”
No Lawyers
Genie: I shall grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish for a world without lawyers.
Genie: Done, you have no more wishes.
Me: But you said 3.
Genie: Sue me.
New Dog
I bought my husband a Pug as a present.
Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes and rolls of fat, the dog seems to like him.
What Are The Chances?
I went into a bookstore and asked the woman behind the counter, “What are the chances you have a book on curing eating disorders with religion?”
She said, “Slim to Nun?”
Bearded Vase Maker
What do you call a bearded vase maker?
Hairy potter.
Caveman Farts
What do you call a caveman’s fart?
A blast from the past.
Good Employees
My boss came to me at lunch and said, “Where the hell have you been? I’ve been trying to find you all morning!”
I shrugged and said, “Good employees are hard to find.”
People Pleaser
I’m done being a people pleaser.
If everyone’s okay with that.
Nostalgia And Grammar
Why is nostalgia like grammar?
We find the present tense and the past perfect.
Worst Pub
The worst pub I’ve ever been in was called The Fiddle.
It was a vile inn.
Marriage Thoughts
If any of you here are thinking of getting married, consider the following before you do.
On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.
On the other hand, you don’t.
Walkie-Talkies
Her: “Why do we need walkie-talkies? Our relationship is over.”
Me: “Our relationship is what? Over.”
Chimney Cost
How much does a chimney cost?
Nothing – it’s on the house.
Costume Party
I went to a costume party dressed as a harp.
The host asked me, “What are you dressed as?”
I told him, “I’m a harp.”
He said, “But your costume is too small to be a harp.”
I was incredibly offended, and asked him, “Are you calling me a lyre?!”
Uncommon Name
I wanted to name my son Lance, but my wife said it was too uncommon.
I told her that in medieval days, people were named Lance a lot.
Best Friend
3 years ago I married my best friend.
My girlfriend was angry but me and Dave thought it was hilarious.
Hawaii Vacation
This is going to be the first year our family won’t be going to Hawaii because of COVID-19.
Usually it’s because we can’t afford it.
Giant Fly
A giant fly has attacked the local police.
Police have called in a SWAT team.
