Joke Of The Day Archives

Expensive Teslas

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I figured out why Teslas are so expensive.

It’s because they charge a lot.

Enhanced Senses

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If you lose one of your senses, your other senses are enhanced.

This is why people with no sense of humor have a heightened sense of self-importance.

New Kitten

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How do you buy a kitten when the pet store is closed?

You order it from the cat-alogue.

Lawn Mower

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I had to fire the guy I hired to mow my lawn.

He just didn’t cut it.

Twitter Addiction

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Doctor you’ve got to help me, I’m addicted to Twitter.

Doctor: I don’t follow you.

Flight Possibility

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A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly …

And as you can see, they were Wright.

Diabetes Awareness

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I was on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies…

Is this a trick question?

Pretty Positive

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I got called pretty today.

Well, actually, the full statement was “You’re pretty annoying”, but I only focus on positive things.

The Computer

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My boss calls me “The computer”.

It’s nothing to do with intelligence; I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.

Grease Soundtrack

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I told my therapist I can’t get the Grease soundtrack out of my head…

He said, “Tell me more”.

Grant Aid

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My farmer friend used his government grant aid to buy baby chickens.

He got the money for nothing, and the chicks for free.

Postal Service

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Why do women have a difficult time working for the postal service?

It’s mail-dominated.

Social Distancing

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Social distancing has been particularly stressful for the Flat Earth Society.

They fear such measures will push someone over the edge.

Flat Tire

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What vegetable do you need when you get a flat tire?

A-spare-I-guess.

Coconut Shampoo

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I bought coconut shampoo today, but when I got home, I realized…

I don’t even have a coconut.

Sail Purchase

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I bought a sail for my boat on Amazon the other day.

Today it dawned on me that it’s not the right size so I called to cancel.

They said it’s too late.

That sail has shipped.

Wistful Tree

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Which tree wishes things were more like they used to be?

Pine.

Nice Pendant

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I gave my French girlfriend a pendant with “le monde” carved in it.

It means the world to her.

Greatest Sci-Fi Show

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If I’m being subjective, the greatest sci-fi show of all time is Dr. Who.

If I’m being objective, it’s Dr. Whom.

Dolly Parton Diet

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My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet…

It really made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe leannnnnnn….

Upside Down Canoe

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Today I learned that if a canoe turns upside down in the water, you can safely wear it on your head.

Because it’s capsized.

Paper Plane

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What do you call a paper airplane that can’t fly?

Stationary.

New Year

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Before the clock strikes midnight on December 31st be sure to lift your left leg.

That way you will start off the new year on the right foot.

Bacteria Math

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Why are bacteria so bad at math?

Because they multiply by dividing.

Anteater

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An anteater walks into a bar and the bartender asks, “Can I get you a drink?” “Nooooooooooooooooooooo!”

“How about something to eat?”

“Nooooooooooooooooooooo!”

“What about some peanuts?”

“Nooooooooooooooooooooo!”

Frustrated, the bartender cries, “What’s with the long no’s!?”

Arabic Greeting

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I thought I heard someone say “Hello” in Arabic.

But it was a false Salaam.

Jedi Greeting

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Why don’t the Jedi take off their shirts to greet each other?

Because only a Sith deals in ab salutes.

Christmas Wreath

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What do you call a Christmas wreath made out of $100 bills?

Aretha Franklins.

Usually Atheist

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I’m an atheist 11 months out of the year, but in December…

I’m eggnogstic.

Big Sofa

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The salesman at the furniture store told me, “This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems.”

I said, “Where the hell am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”

Childminder

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I just hired a beautiful 21 year old girl to look after my 1 year old baby.

Now I have two issues:

1. How to tell this to my wife.
2. Where to find a 1 year old baby.

Music Fan

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A young boy is listening to the radio in the car with his father. “Dad, what music did you like growing up?”

“I was a huge fan of Led Zeppelin,” the father replies.

“Who?” the son asks.

“Yeah,” the dad responds, “I liked them too.”

Fish Lovers

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My friend said, “My kid refuses to eat fish. What do you think is a good replacement?”

I said, “Cats. Cats love fish.”

Bad Cashier

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I had the nastiest, rudest, slowest cashier today.

I guess it’s my own fault for using the self service checkout.