Sunset Meeting

Lion: You’re late. We said meet at sunset.

Giraffe: I can still see the sun, you midget.

Fear Of Birds

I said to my therapist, “I’m getting a gun because of my fear of birds.”

She replied, “I think you might be getting carried away.”

I shouted, “Not without a fight, I’m not!”

Living Alone

When you live alone, the only thing that wakes you up faster than a cold toilet seat…

Is a warm toilet seat.

Dog Pancakes

My wife said to me, “We just ate, why are you making pancakes?”

I said, “They’re for the dogs.”

She asked, “Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?”

I said, “They don’t know how.”

Un-American

My girlfriend broke up with me for being too “un-American”.

I saw it coming from a kilometre away.

Senior Citizens

This morning at about 7:45, I was in a long line at a grocery store that opens at 8:00 for senior citizens only.

A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.

He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.

As he approached the line for the third time he said, “Look, if you don’t let me unlock the door you’re never going to get in there!”

Cat Directions

A man absolutely hated his wife’s cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

When he reached his driveway, there was the cat.

He kept taking the cat further and further but the cat would always beat him home.

One day he decided to drive hundreds of miles away. He drove out of town, through the desert and into the next state until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home. He let the cat out and headed back.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: “Jen, is the cat there?”

“Yes,” the wife answers. “Why do you ask?”

“Put him on the phone,” the man replies. “I’m lost and need directions.”

Sexual Partners

My girlfriend asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.

I probably should’ve stopped when I got to her name.

Last Mortgage Payment

Congratulations to me! I just made my last mortgage payment!

I still owe like $262,000, but I’m just not going pay them any more.

Two Priests

A drunk man stumbles out of bar and runs into two priests.

The drunk man looks at the first priest and says, “Hey, I’m Jesus Christ.”

The first priest tells the man, “No, my son, you’re not.”

Then the man turns to the second priest and says the same thing. “Hey, I’m Jesus Christ.”

The second priest tells the man, “No, my son, you’re not.”

The drunk man tells the priests that he can prove it.

So he takes the two priests into the bar and the bartender says, “Jesus Christ. You’re back again?”

Spiderman Jacket

Did you know that Spiderman has a winter jacket made entirely of Mediterranean flat bread.

It’s a Pita Parka.

Heavy Sleeper

James Bond slept through an earthquake.

He was shaken, not stirred.

Bikini Documentary

Did you hear about the new bikini documentary?

It’s a two part series that’s quite revealing.

Car Reversing

I was reversing my car in the garage and asked my son to spot me, and let me know when I hit the wall.

I heard a bang.

“3:45 PM”, he said.

Favorite Teacher

My favorite teacher at school was Mrs Turtle.

Strange name, but she tortoise well.

Dog Days

Everyday when I come home from work I ask my dog how his day was.

He always says the same thing.

Rough.

Bathroom Mirror

My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”

I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”