My dentist told me, “This might hurt a little bit. Are you ready?”
I said, “Yes, I’m ready.”
He said, “I’m sleeping with your wife.”
My wife said to me, “Our new neighbor always kisses his wife when he goes to work, why don’t you do that?”
I said, “How can I? I don’t even know her.”
How do hamburgers wear their hair?
In a bun.
I saw a pack of gummy worms today that said, “No artificial flavor.”
Who buys gummy worms hoping they’d taste as close to real worms as possible?
My dad used to hit me with cameras.
I still have flashbacks.
An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?”
“Of course child. What may I do for you?”
“Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?”
“I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.”
“With your honest face, Father, no one will question you,” she replied.
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?”
“From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.”
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?”
Father replied, “I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, which is, to date, unused.”
Roaring with laughter, the official said, “Go ahead, Father. Next please!”
My wife dated a clown before she started going out with me.
I had some pretty big shoes to fill.
What do you call an ugly dinosaur?
The other day I visited the thrift shop and picked up an old record album called “Sound of Wasps”.
When I got home and played it I realised it didn’t sound anything like wasps!
Turns out I’d been playing the bee side.
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a Mark on this world.
A teacher told his students, “The person who answers my next question correctly gets to leave class early.”
Suddenly, a pen came flying across to room, practically hitting the teacher in the face.
“Who threw that?!” the teacher shouted, angrily.
“Me!” piped up a voice from the back of the classroom. “Can I leave now?”
My wife said to me this morning, “What would you do if I won the lottery?”
I said, “I’d take my half and leave you.”
She said, “Great! I won $12 yesterday, here’s your $6. Stay in touch.”
My friend Tony asked me not to say his name backwards.
I said y not?
The Taming of the Shrew.
What does James Bond’s doorbell sound like?
“Dong, Ding Dong”.
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.
Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice, “I’d like to try the bet.”
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said, “Okay”, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away.
Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, “What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, what?”
The man replied, “I work for the IRS.”
This girl ran up to me at the cemetery last night and said, “I need to pass through the cemetery but I’m scared to walk alone. Can you walk through with me?”
I said, “Oh yeah of course. Don’t worry, I used to be super scared of cemeteries when I was alive too.”
Give a man a fish and you will feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish and he will spend a fortune on gear he will only use twice a year.
Martin Luther King Jr.
Everyone knows Alan Turing who cracked Enigma codes.
But nobody knows his sister Kay, who provided drinks, snacks and sandwiches for him and his colleagues during that time.
Two cowboys are lost in the desert and are on the point of starvation.
One cowboy sees a tree that’s draped in bacon.
“A bacon tree! We’re saved!” He says.
He runs to the tree and is shot up with bullets.
It wasn’t a bacon tree, it was a ham bush.
I told my suitcases just now there will be no vacation this year.
I’m now dealing with emotional baggage.