Antique Watch

I just received a letter saying my friend bequeathed me a very expensive antique watch.

I really hope it’s not a wind up.

Long Jump

I saw a book called “Ten Steps To Improve Your Long Jump”.

I thought, “That’s cheating”.

Old Friend

I bumped into an old friend today.

I thought he’d be happy to see me, but he just kept going on about the damage to his car.

Biggest Fan

I took my friend to see the world’s biggest fan for his birthday.

He was blown away.

Ballet Skirt

After the ballet skirt was invented, the creators spent days coming up with a name.

Finally, they put tu and tu together.

Strange Artist

I know someone who swings from ropes whilst spray painting pictures of vegetables in cages.

He’s a trapped peas artist.

Fashion Police

Did you hear about the man who was brought in by the fashion police?

They questioned him over his criminal ties.

Tractor Movie

A friend asked me if I had seen the film “Tractor”.

“No,” I replied, “But I’ve seen the trailer.”

Clogged Sink

After spending an hour unclogging the bathtub and sink…

I’m feeling pretty drained.

Time Travelling Club

I’m very good friends with the other members of my time travelling club.

We go back years.

Irish Dancing Show

I saw an Irish dancing show today called Streamdance.

It’s not quite as good as Riverdance, but then it is only a tributary act.

Helicopter Biscuit

I asked for a helicopter biscuit.

They didn’t have any so I had to have a plane one.

Telekinetic Snooker

I do enjoy playing “telekinetic snooker”.

However, you’ve got to be in the right frame of mind for it.

Tubular Bells

I thought I heard Tubular Bells on my farm last Christmas.

But it was just my cold field.

Trailer Rental

I always find it hard to rent a trailer.

I’ve never managed it without a hitch.

Share Tip

A guy told me to buy shares in a company that makes alcohol from apples.

He’s been done for in-cider trading.

Favorite Exercise

My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch.

It’s called lunch.

Mail Joke

My friend sent me a joke in the mail.

Took me a few days to get it.

Money Addiction

Did you hear about the ATM that was addicted to money?

It suffered from withdrawals.

Lettuce Display

If the lettuce display at the grocery store falls over again…

I swear, heads are gonna roll.

Kids Song

“Head, shoulders, knees and toes,” used to be a fun little kids’ song.

Now it’s a list of things that hurt.

Shower

I’m not saying I’m attractive.

But when I take my clothes off in the bathroom, I turn the shower on.

Bulb Replacement

Accidentally replaced my halogen bulbs with hallucinogen bulbs.

Circuit breakers are tripping and my electric bill is really high.

Mistake Finder

I said to my wife, “For the last 15 years, all you’ve done is find mistakes in anything I say.”

She said, “16 years…”