I think the girl at the airline check-in just threatened me.
She looked me dead in the eye and said, “Window or aisle?”
I laughed and replied, “Window or you’ll what?”
A woman goes to the doctor looking fantastic: hair and makeup done by a professional, Gucci heels, Versace dress and Prada purse.
“I’ve been stung by a nasty insect of some kind,” she tells the doctor, “but I’m ashamed to tell you where.”
“It’s okay,” says the doctor. “Our communication is privileged; I won’t tell anyone.”
“Okay,” says the woman. “It was at Walmart.”
Whenever my artist girlfriend is sad I let her draw things on my body.
I give her a shoulder to crayon.
The adjective for metal is metallic, but not so for iron…
Which is ironic.
I told my boss, “Sorry I’m late. I was having computer issues.”
He asked, “Hard drive?”
I said, “No, the commute was fine. It’s my laptop.”
I ate a kids meal at McDonald’s today.
His mom got really angry.
Why was the lamp not heavy?
Because it’s light.
On the first day of my flying lessons, I looked down nervously and asked my instructor, “What are all these buttons for?”
He said, “Those are to keep your shirt closed.”
What do you call a goblin with an injured leg?
I’m working on a fitness routine for insects.
It’s going well, but I’m still trying to work out the bugs.