Learning Escapology
I’ve spent the past week learning escapology.
I need to get out more.
Author Archives: laffgaff
Better Bags
I was waiting at the airport baggage carousel, and noticed that everyone else had a better bag than me.
It was… the worst case scenario.
Bucket List
All of my friends have such expansive bucket lists.
Mine is a little pail in comparison.
Rocket-Powered Deer
When I caught my neighbor attaching a rocket engine to a deer, I immediately reported him to the authorities.
Shame on him for trying to make a quick buck.
Australian Meringue
I was watching an Australian cooking show, and the audience applauded when the chef made a meringue.
I was surprised. Usually Australians boo meringue.
What Room?
A man is staying in a hotel. He walks up to the front desk and says, “Sorry, I forgot what room I’m in, can you help me?”
The receptionist replies, “No problem, sir. This is the lobby.””
Jane Eyre Book
I just sat on the sharp corner of my hardcover copy of Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte.
Now I’ve got a Bronte sore ass.
Mashed Potatoes
What’s the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?
Anyone can mash potatoes.
Failed Math Exam
I failed my calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
Naming Convention
Son: Why is my sister’s name Paris?
Dad: Because we conceived her in Paris.
Son: Thanks dad.
Dad: No problem Quarantine.
Movie Plot Idea
I had an idea for a movie plot where a retired CIA agent searches for his kidnapped daughter in Paris, but it turns out that idea was taken.
I had another idea for one where the same agent is kidnapped with his wife in Istanbul, but it turns out that one was taken too.
No Toilet Paper
Run out of toilet paper and having to use lettuce leaves.
Today was the tip of the iceberg.
Chest Hair
My wife claims that she can wax my chest hair without me feeling any pain at all.
I’m nervous she won’t be able to pull it off.
Blacksmith Interview
I went for an interview at a blacksmith’s yesterday.
The blacksmith asked me, “Are you any good at shoeing horses?”
I said, “No, but I once told a Donkey to get lost.”
Secret Taxidermist
I hate telling people I’m a taxidermist.
When they ask, “So, what do you do for a living?” I just say, “Oh, you know… stuff.”
Horoscope Obsession
My girlfriend just couldn’t accept my obsession with horoscopes.
In the end it Taurus apart.
Armed Robber
A shop assistant tried stopping an armed robber by attacking him with a labeling gun.
Police are now looking for a man with a price on his head.
Foot Cooler
Earlier, I was driving behind an ambulance when a cooler fell off the back.
I stopped and opened it up to find a foot inside.
So I decided to call a toe-truck.
Exercise Routine
I asked my wife for suggestions for an exercise routine.
She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said, “That’s a big step.”
Cat Ladies
When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of cats.
This phenomenon is known as many paws.
One Thousand Bees
News just in: Local police have acquired 1,000 bees.
They’re believed to be used as part of a sting operation.
Overrated Tofu
A few minutes ago, I came to the conclusion that tofu is overrated.
It’s just a curd to me.
Rough Neighborhood
I grew up in a rough neighbourhood.
As a child people would cover me in chocolate, cream and put a cherry on my head.
It was tough in the gateau.
Hiking Playlist
I made a playlist for hiking.
It has music from Peanuts, the Cranberries and Eminem.
I call it my Trail Mix.
Rabbit Mistake
A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank.
The rabbit says, “I think I might be a type O.”
