LaffGaff Archives

I’m not saying I’m attractive.

But when I take my clothes off in the bathroom, I turn the shower on.

Accidentally replaced my halogen bulbs with hallucinogen bulbs.

Circuit breakers are tripping and my electric bill is really high.

I said to my wife, “For the last 15 years, all you’ve done is find mistakes in anything I say.”

She said, “16 years…”

Two slices of bread got married.

The wedding was amazing, until someone decided to toast the bride and groom.

I bought a book called “1001 Uses for Binary”.

When I got home, I was disappointed to find out there were only 9 entries.

I like to mark my calendar with bright neon colors.

It’s the highlight of my day.

My next-door neighbor’s front door is made of sponge.

Lots of people don’t like it, but I have to admit, I can’t knock it.

Her: At least invite me out to dinner.

Him: I don’t go out with married women.

Her: But I’m your wife.

Him: I make no exceptions.

My friend has an excellent nose for wine.

It’s shaped like a corkscrew.

My wife said she wants to spend our savings on learning to drive a steamroller.

I said I’m not going to stand in her way.

I went to an archaeology party where they were only looking for remains of a lower leg.

It was a shindig.

When I was young, I was very poor.

After years of struggle, I’m no longer young.

I went on an online video call and a picture of a can of spam appeared on my screen.

I think it was a zoom meat tin.

I tried making a candlelit dinner.

I think it would have cooked quicker in the oven.

I got in to trouble when I was in the army when they found me with trifles, ice cream and cakes.

They said I was a desserter.

A friend just gave me a bag of sugar as a gift.

I thought it was very sweet.

I woke up to find my mustache was missing this morning.

Someone must have stolen it right under my nose.

So you’re telling me that when a baby crawls across the floor for its bottle it’s cute…

But when I do it, I need an intervention?

Keeping tropical fish at home can have a calming effect on the brain…

Due to all the indoor fins.

My wife says I’m the most stubborn and strong-willed person she’s ever met.

But I refuse to accept that.

Did you hear the one about the guy with the broken hearing aid?

Neither did he.

Friend: Can I set up a cloning lab in your basement?

Me: Sure, make yourself at home.

One of the animals in the local zoo is pregnant, but nobody is comfortable talking about it.

It’s the elephant in the womb.

Breaking news: A truck full of pepper mills has crashed on the highway.

The traffic has ground to a halt.

My biggest goal for this year is to buy a Velcro wall.

I plan on sticking to it.