Stolen Car
Someone stole my car last night but left their mobile phone in the parking space.
Went from Kia to Nokia overnight.
LaffGaff Archives
Lake St. Clair is between which two of the Great Lakes?
Show answer
Huron and Erie.
Bowling Company
I told a friend that I had a new job as CEO of a bowling company.
“Ten pin?”
“No, permanent”.
What court was the judicial body associated with the League of Nations?
Show answer
The Permanent Court of International Justice (PCIJ).
What gas was used in the Hindenburg airship?
Show answer
Hydrogen.
Armored Bird
What do you call a bird in a suit of armor?
A knight owl.
The Murray River separates New South Wales from what other Australian state?
Show answer
Victoria.
Bitter Wine
A friend said a wine he tried recently was bitter and not properly fermented.
Sounds like sour grapes to me.
Machu Picchu is located in which country?
Show answer
Peru.
Margarine Removal
If we remove all of the margarine on Earth …
The world will be a butter place.
Who played Willy Wonka in the 1971 movie ‘Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory’?
Show answer
Gene Wilder.
Fly Fishing Play
I went to see a play about fly fishing.
The cast was amazing.
Bee And Bell
I saw a bee fly right into a bell.
I thought, “That’s a real humdinger”.
How is rapper Robert Matthew Van Winkle better known?
Show answer
Vanilla Ice.
Toupee Search
My friend asked me if I knew where he could find a toupee.
I said not off the top of my head.
A terminal moraine forms at the end of what geographical feature?
Show answer
Glacier.
Alexandra Feodorovna was the last Empress of which country?
Show answer
Russia.
Poker Tables
My friend claims his furniture company makes the best poker tables ever.
But I wouldn’t bet on it.
Wine Return
I’m taking my box of wine back and filing a complaint.
It said once opened it would last 6 weeks, but it was gone after 3 hrs.
The ‘Goldberg Variations’ by Johann Bach were written for what musical instrument?
Show answer
Harpsichord.
Banana Eater
What do you call it when one banana eats another?
Cannibananabalism.
What is the last element in period 4 of the periodic table?
Show answer
Krypton.
Pirate Jokes
To be clear, I don’t mind seeing a few pirate jokes every now and then.
But please let’s not go overboard.
How many countries have coastlines on the Black Sea?
Show answer
Six – Bulgaria, Georgia, Romania, Russia, Turkey and Ukraine.
Velcro Shoes
l’ve decided to get Velcro shoes instead of lace-ups.
I mean, why knot?
How did Valentina Tereshkova make history on June 16, 1963?
Show answer
She was the first woman to travel in space.
Who is lead singer of indie rock band The Killers?
Show answer
Brandon Flowers.
Herbs
Today, my parsley, basil, and rosemary all turned against me.
Thyme is on my side, though.
Who starred as Calamity Jane in the 1953 movie?
Show answer
Doris Day.
Octopus Coat
I saw a knight wearing a coat shaped like an octopus.
Apparently, it was his coat of arms.
Limassol and Famagusta are districts on what Mediterranean island?
Show answer
Cyprus.
Roof Repair
Who does Beyoncé call when she needs her roof repaired?
All the shingle ladies! All the shingle ladies!
Which Spice Girl did David Beckham marry in 1999?
Show answer
Victoria Adams (Posh Spice).
Hindsight
Professor X: What’s your super power?
Me: Hindsight.
Professor X: That’s not going to help us.
Me: Yes I see that now.
Posture Specialist
I had a date with a posture specialist.
She stood me up.
In what year did Elvis Presley die?
Show answer
1977.
What is the name of Donkey Kong’s nephew in the video game series?
Show answer
Diddy Kong.
Ibuprofen
You know you’re over 40 when you have “upstairs ibuprofen” and “downstairs ibuprofen”.
Computer Programming
How do you make a computer say “5”?
You’ll figure it out. It’s programming binary 101.
What does a philographist collect?
Show answer
Autographs.
Carbonation Study
What do you call a scientist that studies carbonation?
A fizzicist.
Which chess piece is called cavalier in French?
Show answer
The knight.
Repetitive Phrases
I hate it when people use repetitive phrases.
Enough is enough.
What is the first country due west of Puerto Rico?
Show answer
Dominican Republic.
What presidential assassin was killed near Bowling Green, Virginia?
Show answer
John Wilkes Booth.
For The Record
For the record …
I should probably buy a turntable.
What name is given to the longest side in a right-angled triangle?
Show answer
Hypotenuse.
Bugs Bunny
Bugs Bunny won’t accept files through Google Drive.
He’ll only take a WhatsApp doc.
Limbo Dancer And Locksmith
A limbo dancer married a locksmith.
The wedding was low key.
Who was the Greek goddess of the moon?
Show answer
Selene.