We didn’t want you to feel frozen out so here’s a collection of really cool winter jokes and puns!
Funny Winter Jokes
My son asked me, “Daddy, why do bees stay in the hive in the winter?”
I smiled and answered…
“Swarm.”
Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning: “Windows frozen, won’t open.”
Husband texts back: “Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and gently tap edges with a hammer.”
Wife texts back 5 minutes later: “Computer really messed up now.”
Did you hear that Spiderman made himself a winter jacket out of Greek bread?
It was a pita Parka.
Every time I leave my house in the winter it reminds me of a jalapeño.
Because it’s a little chili.
Animals: Winter is here, we need a plan to survive.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
Why do programmers love winter?
Because there are no bugs.
I’m planning to implement a new weight-loss method that will require people to wear winter gloves making it harder for them to eat.
I will call it “Inter-mitten fasting”.
If you get cold this winter, try standing in the corner of a room.
It’s usually 90°.
There are only two seasons in Russia:
Winter and nuclear winter.
Why do birds fly south for the winter?
It’s too far to walk.
I told my boss he needs winter tires.
Got fired.
Apparently that’s something offensive to say to people in wheelchairs.
Nobody ever talks about Humpty Dumpty’s winter…
They always just talk about his great fall.
Do you know what’s cool?
Winter.
We’ve had a horrible winter this year.
It was so cold, lawyers were walking around with their hand is their own pockets.
Why do fewer marriages take place in winter?
Because most of the brides get cold feet.
What do you call a communist during winter?
A snowviet.
A truck driver is driving during an intense winter storm.
The truck driver comes to a stop and the woman in the car behind him gets out of her car and knocks on the truck driver’s window:
“Excuse me sir, you are losing your load!”
The truck driver is confused and continues his path until the next stop. The woman knocks on his window again:
“Excuse me sir, you are losing your load!”
The truck driver is even more confused and continues to drive. At the next stop, the woman comes to knock again on his window:
“Excuse me sir, you are losing your load!”
The truck driver gets angry and says:
“Would you please shut up! I’m putting salt on the road!”
What do you call a dog in the winter?
A chili dog.
I was going to write a long story about winter but it started getting too cold.
So I just wrote a summery instead.
I got my son a new jacket for this winter.
He didn’t like it, so I asked him why.
He said, “I don’t feel very cool in this jacket.”
I replied, “Exactly! So what’s the problem?”
I met a guy doing math problems in winter.
You could say he was a kind of cold and calculating guy.
You are lost in winter but find a cabin.
You find it has a fireplace, a kerosene lamp and a stove, but you only have one match.
What item in the cabin do you light first?
The match.
I have always preferred winter more than summer.
Because in winter you can keep adding more layers until you are warm but in summer you can only take off so many before you are arrested.
What do you call a bear that likes to spend his summers at the north pole and his winters at the south?
A bi-polar bear.
A Russian named Rudolph was telling his wife about the lovely winter rain.
“No, honey, that is snow.”
“My sweet, that is a wonderful rain,” he said.
“You are not smart. That is snow!” she exclaimed.
He replied, “Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”
My winter fat is all gone.
Now I have spring rolls.
How is a thrown dictionary similar to geese flying south for winter?
They’re both flying information.
Why was Edward always on his computer during winter?
Because he was Snowden.
Why do beans fly south for the winter?
Because they don’t want to be chili.
Why is it hard to buy stuff in winter?
Bank account is frozen.
When I was learning to drive in the winter, my Dad told me, “If you’re ever lost in the snow, wait for a plow truck, then follow it.”
Well, one cold, snowy Minnesota night, I got lost on the way home.
The snow was blowing so fast and piling up so high, I couldn’t see any street signs.
With no map in my car and a dead cell phone, I thought I might be stranded so I pulled over to the side of the road.
Then breaking through the flurries, I saw the headlights of a plow truck in my rear view mirror.
Thanking my lucky stars, I turned in and followed the truck, hopeful that it would lead me back somewhere I recognized.
I followed that truck for what felt like hours.
He turned left, I’d turn left. He’d swing to the right, and I was right on his tail.
After a while, I saw brake lights from the plow, followed by four-way flashers.
The plow had stopped, and I saw the driver get out and approach my car. I rolled down the window to talk to him.
“Why are you following me, kid?” The plow driver asked.
“Well sir, my dad told me if I was ever lost in a snowstorm, I should wait for a plow truck and then follow it.”
“Well,” said the plow driver. “I just finished clearing the Target parking lot. Want to follow me over to Best Buy?”
A Native American asked his chief about the coming winter. “How bad will this winter be?” He asked.
“It is good to be prepared. Get some firewood ready,” replied the chief.
The chief then called his friend in the national weather service to ask him, “How bad will this winter be?”
The meteorologist said, “This will be a pretty cold winter.”
The chief then told his people what the meteorologist said.
A few weeks later the chief called to ask again, just to be sure.
“Well,” said the meteorologist, “It’s gonna be worse than we thought this year.”
Again the chief relayed this to his people and told them to put out more firewood.
Right before the winter came, the chief called the meteorologist once more to ask, “How bad will this winter be?”
The meteorologist said, “It’s gonna be worse than we thought.”
The chief thanked the meteorologist and asked him, “How do you get such accurate information?”
“Well, we have teams of scientists that study patterns to predict what the weather will be like. But we found that the most reliable method is to just look at how much firewood the native Americans put out.”
As you probably know the guards at Buckingham Palace are not supposed to move a muscle.
One day one of the guards moved just a bit.
The sergeant rushed over and said, “George, did I see you flinch?”
George replied “Yes sir. You see there was a squirrel in the tree. He ran down the tree across the road then straight up my pants leg.”
“I see George,” replied the sergeant. “Is that why you flinched?”
George replied, “No sir. There was another squirrel. He, too, came down the tree across the road and up my leg. So I had two squirrels resting in my crotch.”
The sergeant thought for a moment then said, “And that’s what made you flinch?”
“No sir,” said George. “It was when I heard one say, ‘Let’s have one now and save the other for winter.'”
On a bitterly cold winter’s morning a husband and wife in the back woods of Minnesota were listening to the radio during breakfast.
They heard the announcer say, “We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so snow plows can get through conveniently”.
So the good wife went out and moved her car as instructed.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, “We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get through.” The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast when the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park…” And the power goes off.
The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, “I don’t know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow plows can get through?”
The husband replied, “Honey, why don’t you just leave it in the garage this time.”
The Winter Olympics.
Letting white people win at sports no one else can afford to learn.
More Funny Jokes
If you enjoyed our hilarious puns and jokes about winter, be sure to take a look round the rest of LaffGaff for lots more funny jokes, such as our It’s So Cold jokes, as well as these:
