These hilarious It’s So Cold jokes and one liners are sure to warm you up! You’d have to be completely cold-hearted not to laugh at them!
Funny It’s So Cold Jokes
It’s so cold outside the local flasher just described himself to me.
It’s so cold out I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.
It’s so cold I chipped my tooth on my soup.
It’s so cold my local pet store has started selling penguins.
It’s so cold Jack Frost changed his name to Jack Froze.
It’s so cold I farted snowflakes.
It’s so cold my shadow froze on the sidewalk.
It’s so cold people are starting to wear 2 pairs of pajamas to Walmart.
It’s so cold outside I just heard a brass monkey asking where the nearest welding shop was.
It’s so cold I had to break the smoke off my chimney.
It’s so cold outside the local youths have pulled their trousers up.
It’s so cold outside I brushed against a car in the parking lot and accidentally keyed it with my nipple.
It’s so cold I had to open the fridge to heat the house.
It’s so cold I saw a dog frozen to a fire hydrant.
It’s so cold outside today I was mugged by a guy using a water pistol.
It’s so cold I can see my farts.
It’s so cold my false teeth are chattering, and they’re still in the glass.
It’s so cold the police told a robber to freeze, and he really did.
It’s so cold outside you could rob me with a bucket of water right now.
It’s so cold my faucet is pouring out ice cubes.
It’s so cold outside even the ATM shows minus.
It’s so cold an Amish man bought an electric blanket.
It’s so cold we didn’t have to clean the house. We just defrosted it.
It’s so cold prisoners are begging for the electric chair.
It’s so cold the rock rattling around in your shoe is your toe.
It’s so cold polar bears started buying fur coats to keep themselves warm.
It’s so cold Starbucks is serving coffee on a stick.
It’s so cold hitchhikers are holding up pictures of thumbs.
It’s so cold cops are tazing themselves.
It’s so cold trees are chopping themselves into firewood.
It’s so cold I’m shivering like a mobster in a tax office.
It’s so cold I have to wave a blow-torch in front of my nose just to have a sneeze.
A man and a woman, total strangers, find themselves sharing the same double bunk-bed passenger cabin on the 10:15 PM Amtrack express to Atlanta due to a mix-up at the ticket office.
It’s the middle of winter.
There’s frost on the window, and the poor Amtrak maintenance means the heat is out.
In the dim light of the passenger car, the two strangers can see each other’s foggy breath as they try not to make eye contact in an obviously uncomfortable situation.
The cabins are all full for the night, and the two strangers reconcile themselves to sharing the room for the night.
Being decent people, they decide they can be adults for a night and come to an understanding.
The man is not only chivalrous, but well-educated.
He understands that hot air rises, and cold air descends.
Since he, a man, is duty-bound to suffer in the place of a lady, he defers the warmer upper bunk to the woman.
The two settle in for the night, with the expected awkwardness of two adults who haven’t slept in bunk beds since they were twelve.
There’s sheets and pillows, and even a rough blanket from some Army surplus store provided and fitted to the bed by the train’s workers.
If necessary, there’s a small closet with more blankets and sheets across the cabin.
A little under an hour after they settle in, after much tossing and turning, the woman in the top bunk says, “It’s so cold in here.”
The man grumbles, turning over and over himself, looking for warmth.
A few more minutes pass.
The woman asks the man, “I don’t suppose you could get me a blanket from the closet, please?”
The man grumbles again, rolling in bed.
“Please?” the woman pleads.
The man sighs, relents. “You know what… I’ve been thinking… I know a better way for you to get warm.”
The woman hesitates. You can hear the blush in her voice, “But… I’m married.”
“That doesn’t matter to me,” the man confides.
“Well… I guess one night couldn’t hurt…” the woman replies. “It is cold, and I am rather lonely.”
She peeks her head over the side of the bunk to look at the man. “I guess we can pretend to be married, just for one night…”
“I agree,” the man says. “Now get your own darned blanket!”
Girl: It’s so cold in here.
Teacher: Why don’t you go stand in the corner?
Girl: [confused look] Why?
Teacher: Because it’s 90 degrees over there.
A Canadian buys a walk-in freezer.
His neighbor asks him, “Why do you need a freezer when it’s so cold outside?”
He replies, “To have a warm place inside the house. It’s -30 outside and -10 in the freezer.”
More Funny Jokes
If you liked these It’s So Cold jokes, take a look around the rest of LaffGaff, for lots more cool jokes and puns, such as these:
