Toilet Jokes And Puns

These funny toilet jokes and puns will leave you flushed with laughter! We’re sure they’ll bowl you over, so urine for a treat!

Header image for a page of funny toilet jokes and puns.

Funny Toilet Jokes

My wife sent me a heartwarming text that read, “If you’re sleeping, send me your dreams. If you’re laughing, send me your smile. If you’re eating, send me a bite. If you’re drinking, send me a sip. If you’re crying, send me your tears. I love you!”

I replied, “I’m on the toilet, please advise…”

A guy walks into a bar in one morning, and goes up to the bar tender.

“Do you guys have golden toilets?” he asks.

“What? Golden toilets? What are you talking about?”

“Look, last night I got pretty wasted but the one thing I can remember is peeing in a golden toilet.”

Bartender says “Okay, first, no we don’t have golden toilets. Secondly, HEY MORTY, I FOUND THE GUY THAT PEED IN YOUR TUBA!”

Some people aren’t shaking hands because of the Coronavirus.

I’m not shaking hands because everyone is out of toilet paper.

My son asked me what our IP address was.

I pointed to the toilet.

When you live alone, the only thing that wakes you up faster than a cold toilet seat…

Is a warm toilet seat.

My wife yelled at me, telling me to put the toilet seat down…

Don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.

My son said, “Look! I’m a 3D printer!”

I told him to shut the toilet door when he poops.

A beautiful woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.

She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.

The woman seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers.

As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

“Are you the manager?” she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

“Actually, no,” he replied.

“Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,” she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

“I’m afraid I can’t,” breathed the bartender. “Is there anything I can do?”

“Yes. I need for you to give him a message,” she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender’s lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

“What should I tell him?” the flustered bartender managed to stammer.

“Tell him,” she whispered, “There’s no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.”

I used to clean the toilets when I was in the army.

They called me loo tenant.

Why did the soldier flush the toilet?

Because it was his duty.

There are two reasons you shouldn’t drink toilet water.

Number one, and number two.

What’s it called when you take a call while on the toilet?

Voice over IP.

You know how a toilet is referred to as the John? I renamed mine Jim.

People are really impressed when they learn I hit the Jim twice per day.

I accidentally swallowed Scrabble tiles.

My next trip to the toilet could spell disaster.

All the toilets in the police station have disappeared and they are asking for witnesses.

They currently have nothing to go on.

Why did the pencil get flushed down the toilet?

It was a #2.

What do you call a snow house without a toilet?

An ig.

What kind of trees grown in the bathroom?

Toilet trees.

I tried flushing my Dutch shoes down the toilet.

Now the drain is all clogged up.

My three year old girl asked me, “Where does poo come from?”

I was a little uncomfortable but decided to give her an honest explanation, so I explained, “You just ate breakfast, yes?”

“Yes.” she replied.

“Well, the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, then whatever is left over, comes out of our bottoms when we go to the toilet! And that, is poo!”

She looked a little perplexed, stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”

Where do toilets come from?

They grow on toiletries.

I bought a toilet brush…

Long story short, I’m switching back to toilet paper.

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl use the toilet?

Because the “p” is silent.

I told Mike Tyson about the hippo that’s trained to use a toilet, but he seemed skeptical.

Keeps calling it a hippo potty myth.

Went to the toilet earlier and took a poo…

Not sure whose it was, but it’s mine now.

Why should you never play poker against the Queen of England when she is sitting on a toilet?

Because you can’t beat a royal flush.

How does an Australian greet his toilet?

Bidet mate!

What do you call a virtual toilet?

I Pee address.

Why did Tigger put his head in the toilet?

He was looking for Pooh.

Who investigates toilet crimes?

The Poolice. It’s their doody.

A guy says to his wife: “Thanks to that new scale you bought, I always know how much I poop!”

Wife: “So you step on the scale before you poop, go to the toilet, step on the scale again and the difference is the weight of your poop?”

He: “Oh yeah, I guess you could also do it that way…”

It’s my job to fully test the functionality of newly-manufactured toilets and urinals.

I go where no man has ever gone before.

Some guys are talking about wether they prefer to use urinals or toilets to do their business, then one of the friends say “I sit down when I pee.”

Another friend proceeds to curse and weep at the first friend yelling, “I though you were a stand-up guy!”

What did one toilet say to the other?

You look a bit flushed.

Why do many people die in the toilet?

Die area.

I accidentally swallowed my watch.

I spent two hours on the toilet passing time.

What did Spock find in the Enterprise toilet?

The Captain’s Log.

What do you call a Spanish toilet that weighs 1000kg?

El-ton John.

When the garbage truck wouldn’t pick up old toilet with the rest of the trash, my wife said I need to take the toilet to the dump.

How the tables have turned.

As a plumber, I became depressed…

I felt like my career was going down the toilet.

It’s so hot here in Australia right now that I have taken to leaving the toilet seat up…

Just to get those chilling, icy stares from my wife.

What did the boy say to his dead goldfish before he flushed it down the toilet?

“You’re in a wetter place now.”

Had to take my blind roommate to the hospital today.

Last time I leave the plunger in the toilet.

How do nerds find the toilet?

They ask for the IP address.

“Sixty is the worst age to be,” said the 60-year-old. “You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!”

“Ah, that’s nothin’,” said the 70-year-old. “When you’re seventy, you can’t even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day waiting for the arrival and nothin’ comes out!”

“Actually,” said the 80-year-old, “80 is the worst age of all!”

“Do you have trouble peeing too?” asked the 60-year-old.

“No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all.”

“Do you have trouble pooping?” asked the 70-year-old.

“No, I poop every morning at 6:30 and no laxatives, no waiting needed, come 6.30 it’s all out there by itself loose and fine.”

With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, “Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and poop every morning at 6:30. So what’s so tough about being 80?”

“I don’t wake up until 7:00!”

I went to a public toilet and found it was empty.

I went into a booth and sat down on the seat.

Just then I heard someone come in and get into the booth next to me.

I coughed to let them know I was in the booth next to him.

He said, “Hello.”

I was surprised but didn’t say anything.

He said, “Hello” again.

This time I said, “Hey.”

He asked, “How are you?”

I said, “I’m good how, are you doing?”

“What are you doing later today,” he asked.

I was really uncomfortable with the fact that I was having a conversation with a guy in a public toilet while we both are taking a dump together.

I asked, “What do you mean?”

He said, “Steve, I’ll call you back. This idiot in the toilet next to me is replying to everything.”

Jokes About Toilets

If you enjoyed these hilarious puns and jokes about toilets, be sure to check out the rest of LaffGaff for lots more funny jokes, such as these:

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