No need to panic, the emergency is over – here is a great collection of funny 911 jokes and puns!
Funny 911 Jokes
A call comes in to 911: “Come quick, my friend was bitten by a wolf!” Operator: “Where?” Caller: “No, a regular one!”
A man called 911 regarding a fly problem. They sent a SWAT team.
The phone rang at my work. My boss asked, “Why don’t you answer it?” I said, “I’ll let it ring for a while. That way they’ll think I have other stuff to do than talk on the phone.” My boss shouted, “ANSWER IT NOW!” I picked up the phone and said, “911, what’s the emergency?”
A man calls 911. The operator says, “911 what’s your emergency?” The man says, “My wife is going into labour and I don’t know what to do!” The operator calmly replies, “Okay. Calm down. Is this her first child?” The man answers, “No, this is her husband.”
“Hello 911.” “What’s your emergency?” “These men won’t stop laughing.” “That’s annoying, but not a crime.” “What is manslaughter then?”
A mother comes home from work to find that her kids are hiding behind the couch. She asks what’s wrong, and the kids reply that Aunt Sally was in the house naked. So she goes to her bedroom to investigate, and she finds her husband lying on the bed naked and sweaty. She asks, “What’s going on?” He replies, “I’m having a heart attack.” She says “I’m going to call 911” and runs to the bathroom to get an aspirin. In the bathroom closet however, she discovers the Aunt in the nude, and gives her a tight slap, “How dare you! My husband is having a heart attack and you’re running around naked scaring the kids!”
A man called 911 after his 76 year old mother wandered out of the family home during the night. When asked what she had been wearing and if she had any personally identifying features about her, he advised she was barefoot, half naked and had a visible scar from her hysterectomy. The dispatcher replied, “So… no shirt, no shoes, no cervix?”
An orchestra conductor calls 911. “Help! My oboe player swallowed his reed! What do I do?” The 911 operator says, “Simple. Have a muted trumpet cover the part.”
An old farmer got up in the middle of the night to use the toilet. As he was heading back to bed, he looked out the window and saw the lights on in his shed. A closer inspection revealed men loading his tools and farm machinery into their truck. He rushes to the phone and calls 911. “I need the police! There are some guys clearing out my shed!” “Okay sir, we have dispatched officers, they should be there in about an hour.” “An hour?! But they’ll be long gone by then!” “I’m sorry sir but there are no officers in your area.” The farmer hangs up angrily, waits 10 minutes and then calls 911 again. “Hi, it’s me again. Don’t worry about sending those cops, I’ve just shot the robbers,” and he hangs up. Less then 10 minutes later, three cop cars and a helicopter arrive and the robbers are arrested. The sergeant goes up to the house and bangs on the door. The farmer opens it in his dressing gown and holding a cup of tea. “What’s going on here!? You said you shot the robbers!” “You said there were no officers in my area.”
A man rushed to dial 911 one evening when his wife displayed early signs of a stroke. “Don’t worry, sir,” reassured the dispatcher. “Emergency services are on their way. Just try to remain calm and stay with her until they arrive.” “How long will the ambulance be?” the man asked. “About eighteen feet,” replied the dispatcher.
So I was driving on the free way today when I got cut off by an ambulance. All of a sudden one of the back doors swung open and a cooler popped out and rolled out to the shoulder. I stopped and picked it up. I opened it and found what looked to be a severed toe. I immediately called 911. The operator said, “911, what’s your emergency?” I said, “Yes, I was driving behind an ambulance and a cooler with a severed toe fell out! If you can please inform me what hospital it’s going to I can deliver it right now!” The operator replied, “I’m sorry sir but you can’t transport that. You need a specially certified vehicle to do so.” I asked, “What kind of vehicle would that be?” The operator said, “A toe-truck!”
I thought I saw someone unconcious in the back of a car so I called 911. Turns out it was a kid napping.
How many Karen’s does it take to change a light bulb? Just one. To call 911 and demand a cop come do something about the intimidating blackness.
Why did the guy panic and call 911 when he realized an ocean was forming around him? It was an emergent sea.
A telephone rang. “Hello! Is your phone number 444-4444?” “Yes, it is,” came the reply. “Thank Goodness! Could you call 911 for me? I super-glued my finger to the phone.”
A blonde accidentally kills a cop and calls the police saying, “Hello, is this 911?” “Yes, what is your emergency?” “I called to inform you that you’re 910 now.”
A guy calls 911 and says, “I need an ambulance, my wife fell down and can’t get up.” The operator says, “Ok, sir. I’m afraid our GPS is down so I’m going to need you to give me your street address.” The guy replies, “We live at 355 Kosciuszko Street.” The operator responds, “Could you please spell that for me, sir?” The guy pauses and says, “You know what, I’m just gonna drag her over to Elm Street.”
When he was ten years old Warren Buffett called 911 to report a car had been in an accident near his local grocery store. It was his first experience with a market crash.
If you ever see a pair of crows while you’re walking by, call 911. It’s an attempted murder.
Two hunter were out hunting in the woods when one of them collapsed. The other hunter whipped out his phone and dialed 911. The hunter tells the operator that he thinks his friend is dead. The operator calms down the hunter and tells him to make sure he’s dead. There was a brief pause and all of a sudden a gunshot could be heard. “Okay he’s definitely dead. What next?” asks the hunter.
Why can’t a blonde dial 911? She can’t find the eleven.
I almost called 911 when an armed man came into my restaurant. But he assured me he didn’t want any beef.
Russell Crowe and Sheryl Crow walk into a bar. The bartender calls 911, “I need to report an attempted murder!”
An old woman tells her husband that if he walks across the kitchen floor after she mops again she’s going to kill him. The next time she mops the kitchen floor he does it again. He gets the kitchen floor dirty and tracks water into the living room. She does as promised. Without saying a word she goes to their bedroom, gets his pistol out of the closet, and shoots him dead in his recliner. Then she calls 911 and tells them “I told my husband that if he walks through the kitchen after I mopped then I would kill him. He didn’t listen and I shot him.” Emergency dispatch immediately sends an ambulance for the husband and a squad car for the wife. The chief of police hears about the call shortly afterwards, thinks it’s a rather strange story so he drives to the house. When he gets there his officers are still waiting outside. He asks “Officers, why haven’t you gone inside and arrested the woman?” They reply “Sir we can’t go in now. The kitchen floor is still wet.”
A boy calls 911: “Hello? I need your help!” The operator says, “Alright, What is it?” The boy says, “Two girls are fighting over me!” The operator asks, “So what’s your emergency?” The boy says, “The ugly one is winning.”
A woman calls 911 about a peeping tom in her yard. The operator asks, “How do you know he’s a peeping tom?” The woman answers, “When I asked him what he was doing out there, he said ‘I was trying to get a pikachu'”.
A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack! “Help me dear,” she groans to her husband. The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt. His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him. “I’m dying here and you’re putting?” “Don’t worry dear,” says the husband calmly. “They found a doctor on the second hole and he’s coming to help you.” “Well, how long will it take for him to get here?” she asks feebly. “No time at all,” says her husband. “Everybody’s already agreed to let him play through.”
A kid falls into a well. After a few hours, a man walks by and hears shouting. He walks over to the well and yells, “Is somebody down there?” The kids shouts, “Yes, please help me!” The man replies, “Okay, I called 911 and they’re on the way. How old are you? What’s it like down there?” The kid says, “I’m 14 and this is deep!”
Jokes About 911 Calls
If you enjoyed these funny 911 jokes and puns, be sure to check out the rest of LaffGaff for lots more hilarious jokes, such as these: