Hospital Jokes And Puns

These funny hospital jokes and puns should come with a health warning! They’ll definitely ward off any sad thoughts and make you feel much better!

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Funny Hospital Jokes

Where’s the worst place to hide in a hospital?

The ICU.

My son swallowed some coins and was taken to hospital.

When I asked how he was, the nurse said, “No change yet.”

At the hospital I was admitted to, apple costs $2, pumpkin $3 and blueberry $4 per slice.

Those are the pie-rates of the care-I-be-in.

My pregnant wife hobbled into the hospital with one hand on her back.

A nurse asked her what’s wrong, and my wife screamed, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Didn’t!”

The nurse shook her head and said, “I’m sorry…I don’t understand.”

My wife’s face contorted in pain as she shouted, “Can’t! Won’t! Don’t!”

The nurse, bewildered, turned the doctor.

“Admit her,” the doctor said. “She’s having contractions.”

My wife told me she saw two EMTs walking over by the hospital.

“Two EMTs?” I asked her. “Don’t you mean a pair o’ medics?”

What part of the hospital has the least privacy?

The ICU.

I just heard there’s a new Canadian strain of Covid.

People are showing up to the hospital eh-symptomatic.

Why do hospitals have emergency generators?

It seems to me they have enough emergencies there to begin with.

I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library.

Talk about having to suffer in silence.

My wife gave birth in our car on the way to the hospital.

I named him Carson.

I accidentally drank from a jar of invisible ink.

I’m currently at the hospital waiting to be seen.

What’s the difference between The Sahara and Jello?

One is an inhospitable desert and the other is an in hospital dessert.

My father used to work as a hospital renovator.

He found it very re-ward-ing.

A man was admitted to hospital after swallowing 6 plastic horses.

His condition has been described as stable.

A man walks into a hospital, he says to the receptionist, “I have an appointment at 1:30.”

She replies, “Which doctor?”

The man says, “No thanks, just a regular doctor please.”

Why was the DJ no longer allowed at the vegetable hospital?

He kept dropping sick beets.

Did you hear about the guy who’s blanket fell off of him in the hospital?

He never recovered.

I was visiting my pregnant friend at the hospital, and the only parking spot I could find was in the C section.

I had to climb out of the sunroof.

At the maternity hospital, a doctor handed the husband the baby and said, “I’m sorry, but your wife didn’t make it.”

The husband handed the baby back and said, “Well then, give me the one my wife did make!”

Who is the nicest guy in the hospital?

The ultra-sound guy.

A man runs into a hospital in a frenzy yelling, “I’m shrinking! I’m shrinking!”

A nurse approaches him and says, “Sir, you’re just going to have to be a little patient.”

Who’s the coolest guy in the hospital when the ultrasound guy isn’t there?

The hip replacement guy.

I started my new job at the local hospital helping to move patients around the hospital.

It’s not much, but it’s a rewarding job.

Visiting a friend at the hospital and I noticed that all the nurses had red crayons.

Found out they need them to draw blood.

What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?

It’s morphine time.

Walking to work one day, a woman asked me what was the quickest way to the hospital.

So I pushed her under a bus.

Because of a clerical error at the hospital we named both of our twin boys William.

They billed us twice.

A man goes to the hospital where his dad is hospitalized.

The nurse says, “I am sorry sir your Dad is pronounced dead.”

The man says, “I can’t believe I have been pronouncing it wrong the whole time.”

A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.

He was on a fairway to heaven.

A man awoke in a hospital bed after a brutal accident.

He shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!”

The doctor replied, “I know you can’t, I’ve cut off your arms.”

What hospital extension do you call for women going into labor?

Dial 8.

To what part of the hospital was the stalker admitted?

The ICU.

Why don’t mining towns have hospitals?

Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.

What fish work in hospitals?

Sturgeons.

“Push harder,” I shouted at my wife while she was in labor.

“Screw you,” she yelled back at me.

A bit harsh I thought; it wasn’t my fault the car broke down on the way to hospital.

I got admitted to the hospital.

The nurse came in and asked, “When’s your birthday?”

“January 19th.”

“What year?”

“Every year.”

As soon as the hospital made me put on one of those little gowns…

I knew the end was in sight.

A man is brought to the hospital with a mortal wound.

The medical staff believes there is no way to help him and he will die.

The head doctor walks in and says, “I will take care of this.”

He then takes a clock off the wall and rubs it on the injured man and the man is healed!

The nurse says, “That’s amazing! How did you know that would work!?”

The head doctor says, “It’s simple really… Time heals all wounds.”

*Calls mum* Son: I’m in hospital but don’t worry everything is fine.

Mum: You’re the darn doctor and this wasn’t funny the first time!

A woman goes to the hospital after a car accident.

After a few x-rays a doctor sits down with her and says: “I’m sorry ma’am, it appears you have a broken arm.”

Obviously flustered the woman exclaims: “I want a second opinion!”

The doctor thinks for a moment and then replies: “Okay, you’re ugly.”

I work in a hospital.

It’s pretty great because if you mess up people are really chill about it, and they let you try again.

It’s really a good environment because…

We’d be a really poor hospital if we didn’t have any patience.

It caused quite a stir when the hospital took delivery of a 600lb piano when the pianist died.

Turns out the pianist was an organ donor.

Why do doctors make us wait at the hospital?

Because we’re patient.

Did you hear about the dog that sat outside a hospital for an entire day?

It was a patient dog.

My pregnant wife called me at work and said, “Honey, I’m having contractions. I need you to drive to the hospital.”

I got there as soon as I could and called her back, “Right. I’m now at the hospital. What do you want me to do now?”

The hospital’s records have that my blood is Type A, but that’s gotta be a Type O.

I broke my hand last week, at the hospital thinking it was permanently damaged, I asked the doctor if I’d be able to play guitar.

He replied, “Yes, after you’ve taken time to heal.”

I was ecstatic, I’ve always wanted to know how to play.

Why did the dermatologist lose his position at the hospital?

He made too many rash decisions.

“And this is the amputation wing of the hospital.”

“It used to be a lot bigger.”

My son asked me to take him to the hospital because he had a big red mark on his face.

I said, “Let’s not make any rash decisions.”

I work in a hospital and tonight a guy game in who blew off his finger with fireworks.

He was happy with his service but only gave us a 9/10 rating.

How did the pig get to hospital?

In a ham-bulance.

What do you call a Mexican man leaving a hospital?

Manuel.

A man walks into a hospital ward and starts inspecting the bed charts.

A doctor notices this and says, “Excuse me sir, but what are you doing?”

The man ignores the doctor and continues, now taking everyone’s blood pressure.

“Sir, I’ll ask you again,” says the doctor, “Why are you here and what are you doing?”

Ignoring the doctor again, the man then begins to take everyone’s blood and starts processing it through the hospital’s examination equipment.

“Right!” Shouts the doctor. “Now you’re testing my patients!”

After waiting at the hospital for 3 hours without being seen to I went to the triage nurse and complained saying…

“I’m trying to be patient here.”

The actor refused to get his broken leg treated at the hospital…

Claiming he was already a cast member.

Had to take my blind roommate to the hospital today.

Last time I leave the plunger in the toilet.

My wife just gave birth to our first born, and I noticed hospitals are a lot like hotels.

The womb service is great.

The weatherman for our local TV channel broke both his arms and his legs in a car accident.

He is calling in from the hospital with his four casts.

I’m in the hospital. Everyone should know…

The Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very misleading name.

Poor guy just left the hospital after having half his body amputated.

It cost him an arm and a leg.

Why is the morgue the best place to work at a hospital?

They give you the coroner office.

What’s it called when a hospital loses all of its Labor & Delivery nurses?

A mid-wife crisis.

Did you hear about the guy who was rushed to hospital with a bayonet stuck in his chest?

He didn’t make it, unfortunately he was pronounced dead on a rifle.

Why did the cookie go to the hospital?

Because he felt crumby.

I heard they stopped charging to put Band Aids on in the hospital, but they still charge to take them off.

I don’t know, but that sounds like a rip-off to me.

What’s the most common type of surgery preformed at the Lego hospital?

Plastic surgery.

In college I dated an X-ray tech who I met after a short hospital stay.

To this day, I wonder what she saw in me.

The sign in the hospital parking garage said Patient Discharge.

That explained the stains next to it.

I went to the hospital because I had a hard time opening a banana.

I told the doctor I wasn’t peeling well.

A friend of mine tore his tongue in two in a freak accident.

I told him to get to the hospital lickety-split.

I was at the hospital and I walked into a surgeon’s office.

“Can I help you?” He asked.

“I keep thinking that I’m a moth.” I replied.

“You probably want a psychiatrist for that.”

“Yeah, I know.”

He looked confused. “Then why are you here?”

“The light was on.”

The police called to tell me that my wife was in the hospital.

“How is she?” I asked

“Very critical,” replied the officer

“What’s she complaining about now?”

A grape wakes up in an Australian hospital, and asks, “Did you bring me here to die?”

The nurse replies, “Nah mate, we brought you here yesterday.”

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, “What are you in here for?”

The second kid says, “I’m in here to get my tonsils out and I’m a little nervous.”

The first kid says, “You’ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It’s a breeze!”

The second kid then asks, “What are you here for?”

The first kid says, “A circumcision.”

And the second kid says, “Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn’t walk for a year!”

Two men are roommates in a hospital. Because they are both weak from sickness, the men are unable to speak for weeks.

Finally, one man says to the other, “American.”

His roommate replies, “Canadian.”

Another week goes by and the first man says weakly, “Danny.”

The roommate can only reply, “Phil.”

Another week passes and the first man mutters to his roommate, “Cancer.”

His roommate replies back, “Virgo.”

My 85-year-old grandfather was rushed to the hospital with a possible concussion.

The doctor asked him a series of questions:

“Do you know where you are?”

“I’m at Rex Hospital.”

“What city are you in?”

“Raleigh.”

“Do you know who I am?”

“Dr. Hamilton.”

My grandfather then turned to the nurse and said, “I hope he doesn’t ask me any more questions.”

“Why?” she asked.

“Because all of those answers were on his badge.”

Jokes About Hospital

If these puns and jokes about hospitals made you feel better, check out the rest of LaffGaff for lots more funny jokes, such as these: