Minor Keys
C, E-flat and G walk into a bar.
“Sorry,” said the bartender, “We don’t serve minors here.”
Bartender Jokes
We thought we’d serve you up this fantastic cocktail of hilarious bartender jokes and puns!
German Drinker
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini.
The bartender asks him, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein danke, just one.”
Three Golf Clubs
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter orders a beer and the wedge orders a whiskey.
The bartender asks the third one if he wants anything.
He replies, “No thanks, I’m the driver.”
Crow Friends
A crow walks into a bar and orders a drink.
The bartender says, “I hope your friends aren’t coming.”
“Last time they were here, there was a murder.”
Bartender Break Up
My bartender friend just broke up with her boyfriend.
He keeps asking her for another shot.
Troubled Drinker
A man walks into a bar and says, “I’m here to drink my troubles away!”
“Well you’ve come to the right place,” says the bartender. “What’ll it be?”
The man replies, “One water please.”
“Just a water??”
“Yeah, I have kidney stones.”
Not Talking
A guy walks into a bar, slumps into a chair, and orders a beer.
The bartender says, “What’s wrong, pal? You look down.”
The guy sighs and says, “I am down. My wife is mad at me, and said she wouldn’t talk to me for a whole month.”
The bartender says, “Gee, that’s too bad. When does that start?”
“Start? Today’s the last day.”
Non-Linear Structure
The barman says, “Why the non-linear structure?”
Quentin Tarantino walks into a bar.
Strongman
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.
Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice, “I’d like to try the bet.”
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said, “Okay”, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away.
Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, “What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, what?”
The man replied, “I work for the IRS.”
Suzie Loves Me!
Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced, “My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!”
The bartender inquired, “What makes you say that?”
Bill beamed with pride, “Last week, I had to take a couple of sick days from work…”
“Suzie was so thrilled to have me around, that every time a mail or delivery person came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”
Two Priests
A drunk man stumbles out of bar and runs into two priests.
The drunk man looks at the first priest and says, “Hey, I’m Jesus Christ.”
The first priest tells the man, “No, my son, you’re not.”
Then the man turns to the second priest and says the same thing. “Hey, I’m Jesus Christ.”
The second priest tells the man, “No, my son, you’re not.”
The drunk man tells the priests that he can prove it.
So he takes the two priests into the bar and the bartender says, “Jesus Christ. You’re back again?”
Anteater
An anteater walks into a bar and the bartender asks, “Can I get you a drink?”
“Nooooooooooooooooooooo!”
“How about something to eat?”
“Nooooooooooooooooooooo!”
“What about some peanuts?”
“Nooooooooooooooooooooo!”
Frustrated, the bartender cries, “What’s with the long no’s!?”
Ten Bucks
A guy walks into a bar with 10 bucks and asks what he can get.
The bartender says, “You can get those darn deer outta my bar!”
Ego And Superego
Ego and superego walk into a bar.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see some id.”
Disease Bar
The bubonic plague, the flu, and HIV walk into a bar.
The bartender asks, “What is this? Some kind of sick joke?”
Horse Walks Into Bar
A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “Hey!”
The horse says, “Yes, please!”
Weasel Bar
A weasel walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “Wow, I’ve never served a weasel before. What can I get you?”
“Pop,” goes the weasel.
Bad Impressionist
A really bad impressionist walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “Why the wrong face?”
Can’t Serve You!
A ghost walks into a bar and orders a whiskey.
The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve spirits here.”
Empty Glass
I was in a bar last night when the bartender said to me, “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another one?”
I said, “Why would I want two empty glasses?”
Ran Over A Nun
A guy runs into a bar, yelling at the bartender, “Quick, how tall is a penguin?”
The bartender says, “Oh, about 3 feet tall.”
The guy says, “Oh my God! I just ran over a nun!”
Bishop Walks Into A Bar
A bishop walks into a bar and walks straight up to the bartender.
The bartender says, “You can’t do that. Bishops can only move diagonally.”
Snake Walks Into A Bar
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”
I Know CPR
I was in a bar getting drunk last night, when the bartender shouted out, “Does anyone know CPR?”
I shouted back, “I do. In fact, I know the entire alphabet.”
Everyone in the bar laughed. Except for one guy.
Cheap Drinks
A guy walks into a bar and orders the finest Scotch.
The bartender pours him the drink and passes it to him saying, “That will be $2, Sir.”
The guy says, “Woah, that’s really cheap. You’re good people; I want to thank your manager. Where is he?”
The bartender replies, “In the hotel room, Sir, with my wife.”
The guy asks, “What’s he doing with your wife?”
“The same thing I’m doing with his business.”
A Bowl Of Cornflakes
A bowl of cornflakes walks into a bar.
The barman says, “Get out, we don’t serve breakfast here.”
Charles Dickens
Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini.
The bartender ask, “Olive or twist?”
A Penguin Walks Into A Bar
A penguin walks into a bar, goes to the counter and says to the barman, “Have you seen my brother?”
The barman says, “I don’t know. What does he look like?”
Gang Of Fonts
A gang of computer fonts walk into a bar.
The barman says, “Sorry, we don’t serve your type here.”
Dog Walks Into Bar
A dog walks into a bar, and takes a seat.
He says to the barman, ‘Can I have a pint of lager and a packet of crisps please’.
The barman says, ‘Wow, that’s amazing! You should join the circus!’
The dog replies, ‘Why? Do they need electricians?’
Wedding Reception
A man walks into a wedding reception.
He walks up to the bartender and asks “Is this the punch line?”
Fish Walks Into A Bar
A fish walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “What do you want?”
The fish croaks, “Water.”
Food For Thought
A guy walks into a bar and throws a prawn cocktail at the bartender.
“And that’s just for starters”, he said.
Toad Head
A Frenchman walks into a bar with a toad on his head.
“What the heck is that?” asks the barman.
The toad replies, “I don’t know – it started as a wart on my butt and just kept growing.”
Beer For Brain
A brain walks into a bar and says, “I’ll have a pint of beer please.”
The barman looks at him and says “I’m sorry, but I can’t serve you.”
“Why not?” asks the brain.
“You’re already out of your head.”
Jump Leads
Two jump leads walk into a bar and order a beer.
The barman says, “Ok, I’ll serve you – just don’t go starting anything.”
Surprise Me
I was tired and bored one night so I went to the bar to have a few drinks.
The bartender asked me, “What’ll you have?”
I said, “Surprise me.”
He showed me a naked picture of my wife.
Bear With Me
A bear walks into a bar and says to the barman, “I’ll have a whisky and …
… soda.”
The bartender says, “Why the big pause?”
“Dunno,” says the bear. “I’ve always had them.”
Hungry Monkey
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he’s drinking it the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”
The guy says, “No, what?”
“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!”, says the bartender.
“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight, the little monkey. I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff.”
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he’s in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.
“Did you see what your monkey did now?”, he asks.
“Now what?”, responds the patron.
“Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!” says the barkeeper.
“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the patron. “He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!”
Double Entendre
A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre.
So the barman gives her one.
High Stakes
A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Then he notices there are pieces of meat nailed to the ceiling of the bar so he asks the barman what they are for. The barman replies, “If you can jump up and pull one of them down you get free beer all night. If you fail, you have to pay the bar $100. Do you want to have a go?”
The man thinks about it for a minute before saying, “Nah, the steaks are too high!”
Red And Black Tarmac
A bit of red tarmac and a bit of black tarmac were sat quietly in the pub having a pint when this bit of green tarmac walks in, beats the living daylights out of the red bit of tarmac, and then storms off again.
The barman says to the bit of black tarmac, “What the heck was all that about?”
The bit of black tarmac replies, “You have to be careful not to upset that one. He’s a bit of a cyclepath…”
