You may need medical attention after reading these funny doctor jokes and puns. Indeed, you’ll probably end up in stitches, they’re that funny!
This old guy goes to the doctor to get the results of his tests.
The doctor says, “I’m really sorry to have to tell you this but you’ve got terminal cancer and Alzheimer’s.”
The old man says, “That’s not so bad. I could have had cancer!”
I went to see the doctor today and he said to me, “Don’t eat anything fatty.”
I said, “What – no bacon or sausages or burgers or anything?”
He said, “No fatty, just don’t eat anything.”
The doctor I’m seeing for my bad back is Egyptian.
He’s a Cairo-practor.
My wife asked me to play doctor with her.
She’s now waiting for three hours outside the bedroom.
Doctor: Your brain fell out after your accident, but we managed to put it back in.
Me: Thanks for reminding me.
A pirate walked into the doctors with a broken arm.
They told him to sling his hook.
I said to my doctor, “I think I might have ADHD, because I can’t remember where I parked my Ford!”
She said, “That’s not how ADHD works.”
I said, “But I keep losing my Focus!”
My wife is pregnant and my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at a childbirth before.
I said, “Yes just once.”
He asked, “What was it like?”
I replied, “It was dark, then suddenly very bright.”
I went to see the doctor with a nasty rash on the top of my leg.
I said to him, “The strange thing is when I squeeze the pus out of the pimples, I hear pop songs playing”.
He said, “You have a severe case of spotty thigh”.
I’ve got this awful disease where I can’t stop telling airport jokes.
The doctor says it’s terminal.
The doctor looked at my test results and said, “Sir, you’ve got a very rare disease.”
I said, “How rare?”
He said, “You pick the name.”
A doctor is at a party where he gets to talking to a lawyer friend. He tells the lawyer how sick he is of his friends always asking him for free medical advice.
The lawyer says, “Just do what I do, and leave a bill in their mailbox.”
The doctor says he’ll give this a try and thanks his lawyer friend.
When the doctor gets home, he finds a bill in the mailbox from his lawyer.
Two years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf.
I haven’t heard from him since.
Doctor: Did you know that you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?
Me: I can’t say that I’m surprised.
I got into an accident and I was shocked when the doctor told me that my fingers were broken.
It was hard to grasp.
I rang the doctor and said, “Quick! My pregnant wife’s going into labor, what should I do?”
He said, “Is this her first child?”
I said, “No, this is her husband.”
The doctor told me I had onomatopoeia.
I said, “What’s that?”
He said, “It’s exactly what it sounds like.”
The doctor said to me, “Your brain seems to have deleted all information about 80s pop music!”
I said, “Yikes, what’s The Cure?”
He said, “Oh my God, it’s worse than I thought!”
The doctor told me I might have a marriage phobia and asked if I thought I had any symptoms.
I said, “I can’t say I do.”
He said, “Yeah, that’s the main one.”
I went to the doctor’s and told him, “I feel like such a failure. All five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up.”
He said, “Wow, that’s the worst case of parking son’s disease I’ve ever seen.”
I love taking photos of myself standing next to boiling water.
My doctor says I’ve got selfie steam issues.
My doctor loves hitting my knee to test my reflexes.
He really gets a kick out of it.
Doctor Doctor Jokes
Doctor, doctor, I feel like a deck of cards.
Sit down, I’ll deal with you later.
Doctor, doctor, I’m terrified of words that are also letters.
Oh, you are? I see. Why?
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a pair of curtains.
Pull yourself together, man.
Doctor, doctor, help – I’ve become invisible.
I’m sorry, I can’t see you now.
Doctor, doctor, I’ve broken my arm in three places.
Well, stop going to those places then.
Doctor, doctor, I’ve swallowed my money.
Take this, and we’ll see if there’s any change in the morning.
Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pair of wigwams.
I think you’ve become too tense.
Doctor, doctor, I’ve just swallowed a roll of film.
Come back tomorrow and we’ll see what develops.
Doctor, doctor, everyone thinks I’m lying all the time.
I find that very hard to believe.
Doctor, doctor, I’m suffering from insomnia.
Try sleeping on the edge of the bed; you’ll soon drop off.
Doctor, doctor, can you give me something for the wind?
Here, try this kite.
Doctor, doctor, I’m really worried about my breathing.
We’ll soon put a stop to that.
Doctor, doctor, everyone keeps ignoring me.
Doctor, doctor, I’ve become a kleptomaniac.
Have you taken anything for it?
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a supermarket.
How long have you felt like this?
Ever since I was Lidl.
Hospital Jokes & Humor
A heavily pregnant woman hobbles painfully into the hospital with one hand on her back.
A nurse comes over to her and asks her what’s wrong, but the woman just shouts, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Didn’t!”
The nurse shakes her head and says, “Sorry, I don’t understand.”
The woman screams, “Can’t! Won’t! Don’t!”
The nurse is really confused and turns to a doctor who says, “Admit her. She’s having contractions.”
Where in a hospital can’t the invisible man hide?
The I. C. U.
Who’s the coolest guy at the hospital?
The hip doctor.
Why do hospitals have emergency generators?
It seems to me they have enough emergencies there to begin with.
I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library.
Talk about having to suffer in silence.
My father used to work as a hospital renovator.
He found it very re-ward-ing.
What’s the difference between The Sahara and Jello?
One is an inhospitable desert and the other is an in hospital dessert.
Why was the DJ no longer allowed at the vegetable hospital?
He kept dropping sick beets.
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene.
But that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
Did you hear about the guy whose blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered.
A man was hospitalized with six plastic toy horses stuck up his butt.
Doctors described his condition as stable.
I couldn’t undo the buttons on my sweater so I tried pulling it over my head but it got stuck.
I’m at the hospital now, waiting to see a cardyologist.
Simply sneak into your local hospital, find someone who looks a bit worried in the waiting area and then walk up to them and say, “I’m terribly sorry – we lost him.”
Diarrhea is hereditary.
It runs in your jeans.
I told my psychiatrist I’ve been hearing voices in my head.
She told me I don’t have a psychiatrist.
I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant.
But then I changed my mind.
What kind of medical condition causes wrinkled clothes?
An iron deficiency.
What’s the medical diagnosis for owning too many dogs?
What is the difference between your file cabinet and your kidney?
One is for your information; the other’s for urine formation
We were about to witness our first autopsy in medical school.
My friend said, “What do you think it’ll be like?”
I said, “Remains to be seen.”
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
I never park my car in the shade due to a little known medical condition.
Park in sun disease.
Which body organ loves life the most?
My grandfather died because the medics mistakenly thought he had Type A blood.
Turns out it was a typo.
Did you know you start out with four kidneys, but lose two of them growing up?
They turn into adult knees.
What is the motto of people who harvest organs?
Sickness & Illness Jokes
I had to take the batteries out of my carbon monoxide detector last night.
The loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
I said to the doctor, “I feel constepatid!!”
He said, “I think you mean constipated.”
I said, “No, I just had a vowel movement.”
My doctor has just diagnosed me as having low blood pressure.
He’s given me a prescription for two Ikea self-assembly wardrobes.
The doctor told me my voice box is damaged and I may never speak again.
I can’t tell you how upset I am.
This woman’s husband had been ill in hospital for several months. He kept slipping in and out of a coma but she remained faithfully by his bedside every single day.
Then one day, when he woke from his coma, he motioned for her to come nearer to him.
As she moved closer and sat beside him, with eyes filling with tears he whispered into her ear, “You know what? You’ve been with me through all the tough times. When I got fired from my job, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there for me. When I got shot, you were by my side all the time. When we lost the house, you stayed right here with me. And even when my health started failing, you were still by my side… You know what?”
“What dear,” she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth, her eyes welling with tears.
He said, “I think you’re bad luck…”
What is the most common medical issue for swimmers?
I was in the hospital visiting a friend today and I couldn’t help overhearing a doctor say to one of the other patients, “I have some bad news, and some really bad news.”
The patient asked, “What’s the bad news?”
The doctor replied, “You only have 24 hours to live.”
The patient said, “Oh my God! And what’s the really bad news?”
The doctor said, “I should have told you yesterday.”
I watched Bohemian Rhapsody three times in a row, and now I feel a little sick.
Must be the high Mercury content.
Who can drink 10 litres of petrol and not get sick?
“Do you really have to lick the knife?” she asked.
“Sorry, force of habit,” I said. “Lots of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes but not during surgery, Doctor.”
As I laid on the hospital trolley awaiting my surgery, I asked the doctor, “How long will I be in hospital?”
He said, “If all goes well, about a week. If not, about 45 minutes.”
I asked the doctor if I could administer my own anaesthetic.
He said, “Go ahead. Knock yourself out.”
What’s the most common operation in a LEGO hospital?
Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject?
Now you mention Botox and no one raises an eyebrow.
Before my surgery my anaesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.
It was an ether/oar situation.
I went for a minor procedure at the hospital the other day. As I felt the anaesthetic starting to kick in I said, “I have a joke for you.”
The anaesthetist said, “You’d better be quick!”
I said, “Do you know what the key to comedy is?”
Then I smiled and passed out.
When I woke up a couple of hours later, I asked the nurse to pass the anaesthetist a message: “Timing.”
I took a selfie after my kidney removal surgery.
I had Lasik surgery yesterday.
It was an eye opening experience.
Did you know that amputation is the most expensive form of surgery?
I hear it can cost you an arm and a leg.