Asthma Jokes And Puns

These funny asthma jokes and puns are sure to take your breath away! You’ll be wheezing with laughter when you read them!

Header image for a page of funny asthma jokes and puns.

Funny Asthma Jokes

Wanna hear something breathtaking?

Asthma.

What kind of fish has asthma?

A puffer fish.

What do you call a vampire with asthma.

Vlad the Inhaler.

Which is the only seabird that suffers from asthma?

The puffin.

I went to a fashion show fundraiser for asthma awareness.

All of the girls were breath-taking!

Two ladies meet up for coffee.

The first lady asks if she came on the bus.

The other replies, “Yes, but I made it look like an asthma attack.”

Which state has the worst asthma?

Loui-wheeze-iana.

Why do people with asthma prefer to be cremated when they die?

Because they hate coffin.

What do you call a French girl with asthma?

Louise.

How do you know Kermit didn’t have asthma?

Because it’s not wheezy being green.

When my mom found out I had asthma she sent me to a camp for asthmatic children.

It was so much fun…

Singing songs around the humidifier.

I had an asthma attack while walking to work today.

Three asthmatics jumped out of a bush and started hitting me.

How come Yellowstone causes asthma?

It’s breath-taking.

What would Jesus’ name be if he had asthma?

Wheeze-us Christ.

My friend thinks I have a lung disease.

I should go asthma doctor.

I used to think I was good in bed.

Until my girlfriend told me she had asthma.

What is a kid with asthma’s favorite band?

Weezer.

When you go hiking with asthma.

You’ll always find a breath-taking view.

Guess how good my asthma jokes are…

They’re breath-taking.

What do you call a pair of shoes with asthma?

Wheezys.

A man gets pulled over by a cop.

The cop goes up to the man’s window and informs him that he appeared to be swerving a bit.

“Son I just need you to do a quick breathalyzer test.”

“I can’t do that, officer, I have severe asthma. If I blow into that tube, I could risk an attack.”

“Alright, then just come down to the station and we’ll do a blood test.”

“I can’t do that either, I’m a hemophiliac. Any puncture will end up bleeding for hours then I’ll pass out.”

“Okay, then step out of the car and we’ll do a standard field sobriety tes-“

“Sorry, but I have a slight vitamin b12 deficiency, so I naturally shake while doing basic tasks, so the tests would be inconclusive.”

“Well then just walk along in a straight line.”

“I can’t do that either”

“Why?”

“Because I’m drunk.”

What do you call an African American with asthma?

The Black Panter.

I feel bad for people who have asthma.

Because out of all the things you could be bad at, you suck at breathing.

Today I learned, when someone says, “Take my breath away” …

They don’t mean their asthma pump.

Three old ladies are sitting on a park bench when a very attractive naked young man runs by in front of them.

The three old ladies, who hadn’t had any action in decades, fixed their eyes on the handsome hunk and gasped.

Janice pressed her hand on her heart and said, “Wow, that whippersnapper darn near gave me a heart attack.”

Edna, rubbing her neck, added, “I almost had an asthma attack!”

Lydia, still reaching in front of her, out of breath, exclaimed, “I almost had a stroke, but he was just out of my reach.”

A man goes to the doctor.

“Help me”, he says, “I think I might be asthmatic because I have a really hard time breathing.”

The doctor performs a couple of tests and tells him, “From now on, I want you to sleep with your windows wide open.”

A week later the man comes to the doctor again.

The doctor asks him, “So, did you follow my recommendation?”

“Yes sir, I slept with my windows wide open every night.”

“And what about your asthma? Did it disappear?”

“No, but my watch, my laptop and my television did…”

You can run but you can’t hide…

Is a funny thing to say to children with asthma.

I suffered a terrible asthma attack this morning.

You’d think I would have heard them hiding!

Do you have an inhaler?

Because you got that ass-mah!

I never chase people or money…

Mainly because I have asthma.

Can I call you Asthma?

Because you take my breath away.

Asthma Jokes

If you enjoyed these funny puns and jokes about asthma, be sure to take a look at the rest of LaffGaff for lots more hilarious jokes, such as these: