Pharmacy Jokes

It’d be a bitter pill to swallow if you didn’t enjoy these funny pharmacy jokes and puns! After all, laughter is the best medicine!

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Funny Pharmacy Jokes & Puns

I bought a really expensive laxative from the pharmacy.

It gave me a good run for my money.

A pharmacist returns to his shop from lunch to find a man leaning against the wall.

“What’s wrong with him?” He asks his assistant.

“He came in for some cough syrup,” explains the assistant. “But I couldn’t find any, so I sold him a bottle of laxatives instead.”

“What!” The pharmacist says, horrified. “You can’t treat a cough with laxatives!”

“Of course you can,” the assistant declares. “Look at him – he’s far too scared to cough.”

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy, picked out a box of tampons, and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, “Son, how old are you?”

“Eight,” the boy replied.

The man continued, “Do you know what these are used for?”

The boy replied, “Not exactly, but they aren’t for me. They’re for him… He’s my brother. He’s four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you will be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can’t do either”

A duck walks into the pharmacy to purchase chapstick.

And asks the cashier to put it on his bill.

I went into a pharmacy and asked, “What gets rid of Coronavirus?”

The assistant replied, “Ammonia cleaner.”

I said, “I’m sorry, I thought you worked here.”

Our local politician just opened a neighborhood pharmacy store.

He is now a piller of the community.

A newborn pony walks into a pharmacy.

He asks the pharmacist, “Do you have any Cepacol lozenges? I’m a little hoarse.”

Why should you be quiet inside a pharmacy?

You might wake the sleeping pills.

Today at the pharmacy I saw a woman without a face mask buying a pregnancy test.

She clearly isn’t a fan of protection.

Pharmacist: A helper on the farm.

As a pharmacist who usually writes instruction labels for oral medications…

Most of what I say to patients is ingest.

I can’t believe I failed my drug test today.

Looks like I’ll never be a pharmacist.

Where did the pharmacist turned actor store his measuring equipment?

In the dram-attic.

It’s not easy being a pharmacist…

Sometimes I feel like I’m just going through the Motrins.

Seeing the cars, house and lifestyle of the pharmacy owner, friends and relatives accused him of ill-gotten wealth.

The royal pharmacist wore a tuxedo and dispensed with formalities.

Pharmacists find their work to be very encapsulating.

A man walks into the pharmacy with his 8-year old son.

They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, “What are these, Dad?”

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, “Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.”

“Oh I see,” replied the boy pensively. “Yes, I’ve heard of that in health class at school.”

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, “Why are there 3 in this package?”

The dad replies, “Those are for high school boys, one For Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.”

“Cool” says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, “Then who are these for?”

“Those are for college men,” the dad answers, “Two For Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday.”

“WOW!” exclaimed the boy, “then who uses THESE?” he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replies, “Those are for married men, son. One for January, one for February, one for March…”

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I would like to buy some cyanide.”

The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”

The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”

The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, “Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband! That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “Well now. That’s different. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”

A Linux sysadmin walks into a pharmacy

“Ephedrine?”

“I can’t serve you that”

“Sudoephedrine.”

“There you go”.

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton-balls and a ball of string on the counter. The sales girl says, confused, “Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?”

He answers, “You see, it’s like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it’s so much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own… so does she.”

A 17-year old dude goes to the pharmacy.

“Hello mister, i’ll be at my new girlfriends house for dinner today… you know… become acquainted with her parents and so on. After the dinner though, i’m probably gonna have some sexy time my girlfriend. You know the deal. So is there something you could suggest me?

“Well… i’d suggest some… condoms?

“Well… uhm… sounds cool… I… will take some”

As he is about to leave the pharmacy he stops and returns.

“Wait a second. You know… her mum… she’s hot… and maybe i could sort some… you know… sexy time with her as well. You know what… I’m gonna take some more condoms.”

Later at the dinner, the young man is completely silent and is just looking at the table.

His girlfriend says, “If I’d known you’re gonna be all silent and stuff, I wouldn’t have invited you to this dinner!”

The young man answers, “If I’d had known your dad is a pharmacist I wouldn’t even be here.”

My girlfriend told me she had never heard of condoms…

I thought she must be pulling my leg so I played along. “Oh yeah?” I said, “They’re for covering your cigarettes in the rain.”

Well one day we were in a pharmacy and she asked the clerk for a package of condoms. He asked what kind, and she said, “Oh, to fit a camel.”

A beautiful blonde woman approaches a pharmacist and asks, “Do you have extra large condoms?”

The pharmacist replies, “Yes, isle 11.”

The blonde goes to the isle. But about 30 minutes later she is still looking at the condoms. The pharmacist calls over to her, “Do you need some help?”

The woman replies, “No, I’m just waiting for somebody to buy some.”

A duck waddles into the drug store and says, “Sorry, I don’t have my wallet today but I need to buy a condom.”

The pharmacist says, “No problem. Shall I just put it on your bill?”

The duck exclaims, “Sir! What kind of a duck do you think I am?”

I called the pharmacist and asked him if acetylsalicylic acid was the best remedy for a headache.

He said, “You mean aspirin?”

I said, “Yeah, that’s it. I can never remember that word.”

More Funny Jokes

If you enjoyed these funny pharmacy jokes, be sure to check out the rest of LaffGaff for lots more funny jokes such as these: