Sick Jokes

These sick jokes really are sick! You won’t get better anywhere else! We couldn’t throw up any funnier ones if we tried! Enjoy them!

Header image for a page of sick jokes and puns.

Funny Sick Jokes & Puns

I got my girlfriend a “Get better soon” card.

She isn’t sick, I just think she can get better.

I had to remove the battery from my carbon monoxide detector.

The constant beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick.

My girlfriend said, “I’m sick of it. You are always pretending to be a Transformer!”

I said, “But wait, I can change!”

Who can drink 10 litres of petrol and not get sick?

Jerry can.

I watched Bohemian Rhapsody three times in a row, and now I feel a little sick.

Must be the high Mercury content.

Where does a boat go when it’s sick?

The dock.

Why don’t ants get sick?

Because they have little anty bodies.

I am getting so sick of millennials and their attitude.

Always walking around like they rent the place.

Where do horse goes when they get sick?

To the horsepital.

I used to work at a hospital, but I got sick of it.

I can never wear glasses.

They make me see-sick.

A family gathers around their father who is very old and sick.

He says, “Daughter, are you here? Son? Where is my brother? Is everyone here in this room with me now?”

The daughter replies, “Yes Dad, we’re all here! Your entire family is here in this room!”

The Dad says, “Then why is the hallway light on?”

The first Karen to get sick was…

Impatient Zero.

I felt pretty sick after drinking milk with cream.

My stomach was churning for a while, but now I’m finally feeling butter.

Did you know that dead people can still get sick?

It’s true! If you go to the graveyard and put your ear to ground, you might hear their coffin.

Where do sick fish go?

To the sturgeon.

What’s the difference between unlawful and illegal?

Unlawful is against the law. Illegal is just a sick bird.

A friend of mine was worried sick after he had lost his guitar. He asked me to help him.

“It’s okay,” I said, “Don’t fret.”

If I have to explain the Latin term “ad nauseum” one more time…

I’m going to be sick.

How can you tell when a bucket is sick?

When it’s a little pail.

Did you hear about the virus that made all the teachers sick?

It was a staff infection.

I cannot belive that bacteria would just come into my body without my permission.

It makes me sick.

I’m American, and I’m sick of people saying America is “the stupidest country in the world.”

Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.

I’m so sick of people saying stealing is wrong.

I just don’t buy it.

If you get sick at the airport, it could be a terminal illness.

I caught a really bad case of the flu in Madrid.

Whilst sniffling and coughing and rolling around in the hotel bed, I realised I needed medical attention, so I called the concierge to get help.

“Oh, so you’re sick!” came the reply. “Not a problem, we’ll send our very own hotel doctor up to your room right away!”

The doctor strolled into the room within seconds, and whilst I stuttered and tried to comprehend the situation, he gave me some medicine to ease the symptoms.

When I finally stammered out “H…how does the hotel have their own doctor on call?”, he simply shook his head and cracked a smile, and replied:

“Nobody expects the Spanish inn physician.”

A man was waiting for a bus one day, when he noticed a young blonde woman digging a hole and another blonde immediately filling the hole back in with dirt.

He watched as they moved up the street doing this over and over again.

The first blonde dug a hole, and the second one filled the dirt right back in.

After a few minutes, he decided to ask them, “Excuse me, what are you ladies doing?”

“We’re working” the first blonde replied.

“Just the two of you?” He inquired.

“Well,” the second blonde chimed in, “There’s usually three of us, but the girl that plants the trees called out sick.”

My wife is getting sick of me not cleaning the coffee machine after I’m done.

She thinks it is grounds for divorce.

What do blind people do when they get sick?

No, seriously.

It’s not like they can go see a doctor.

How do you know a person is old?

When they remember the Dead Sea as just being a little sick.

If I have 26 sheep and one dies, how many are left?

19. (20 sick sheep).

Her: It’s not working out between us. For starters, I’m sick of your terrible jokes.

Me: I understand. And for the main course?

After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music?

Because he had a ton of sick beets.

More Funny Jokes

If you enjoyed these sick jokes, be sure to take a look at these other funny jokes too: