Like ghosts in an elevator, let these funny depression jokes and puns lift your spirits! To be serious for one moment, if you are feeling depressed, please seek help.
Funny Depression Jokes
If you think Thursdays are depressing, wait two days. It will be a sadder day.
My friend Billy Bob and I visited a place where you can stand in three states at once: Oklahoma, Kansas, and Missouri. Billy Bob opened up and said that he was actually in a fourth state; crippling depression. I said, “I’m so sorry, but you can’t count Missouri twice.”
What do you call a depressed man with a robotic arm? A sighborg.
If you become seriously depressed, try drinking a gallon of water just before you go to bed. That will give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.
My wife said she is leaving me because of my addiction to anti-depressants. Guess I won’t be needing those anymore.
I get depressed if I don’t play video games. I always need to console myself.
To whoever stole my depression medication: I hope you’re happy.
A dad was depressed, so he went to the liquor store and bought some whiskey and tequila. When he got home, he set them on the table. His son immediately picked up both bottles. The dad asked, “What are you doing?!” The son responded, “You were sad, so I’m lifting your spirits.”
When my wife is depressed I let her color in my tattoos. She just wants a shoulder to crayon.
What’s the difference between a bowl of moldy lettuce and a depressing song? One is a bad salad, and the other is a sad ballad.
Man to psychiatrist: I am depressed. All my four sons want to be valets when they grow up. Psychiatrist: That is the strangest case of parking sons disease I have come across so far.
Every time I visit my dad in St. Louis, he will walk into a room looking depressed until whatever girl I’ve brought home for the holidays asks what’s wrong. His reply: “Oh, I live in a state of Missouri.”
What do you call a depressed acapella group? Self Harmony.
I just read that California leads the United States in both depression rates and cases of infidelity. Talk about a sad state of affairs.
Why were Indiana Jones, Lara Croft, and Nathan Drake depressed? Their careers were in ruins.
What is the difference between standup comedy and motivational speaking? Which side of the mic the depressed people are on.
Why are people from New York always depressed. Because the light at the end of the tunnel is always Jersey.
My house was being haunted, so my wife and I decided to look up some exorcists. I found a really good one, but when we met with him, he seemed depressed. My wife found one that seemed much more upbeat. We discussed our options and decided to go with the happy medium.
Why was the archaeologist so depressed? Because his life was in ruins.
Ever since I installed Adblocker, I have been severely depressed. Hot singles in my area are no longer interested in me.
Why was the math book so depressed? It had so many problems.
A depressed Storm Trooper goes to the bar for some jager shots. He goes home sober.
I just quit my 20/hr per week internship to start my first full-time job and I’m kind of sad. I think I’m suffering from post-part-time depression.
I’ve been feeling really depressed, and my best friend isn’t helping. I try to talk about my feelings with him, but he’ll just say vaguely supportive things that really don’t help. He’ll say things like, “Hey, cheer up buddy. I know things seem tough but at least you’re not stuck in one of those, you know, those holes in the ground? The thing with the bucket so you can get water from the hole.” I know he means well.
I think my wife is starting to get depressed with all this rain we’re getting. Everyday, I see her at the window with a sad look on her face. If it gets any worse I might have to let her back inside.
My grandpa grew up during the depression, as a result, he never threw anything away. He died in the war, holding a hand grenade.
If lawyers can be disbarred and clerymen defrocked … Are electricians delighted, musicians denoted, and dry cleaners depressed?
I was depressed in my job as a guillotine operator. I just couldn’t see myself getting ahead in life with that job.
What’s the best way to overcome depression? Love it, so it leaves you as well.
What do you call two depressed bears? Bipolar.
I’ve been terribly depressed ever since I did that bungee jump, and the cord snapped. It’s just something that you never bounce back from.
Why was Santa’s helper depressed? He had low elf-esteem.
The garbage man looks sad. Yeah, he’s wheelie bin depressed.
Did you hear about the depressed ghost? He’s going through some things.
What is it about all the psychics that I ever visit? They’re either totally depressed, or too excitable. It’s really hard to find a happy medium.
My wife bought me soy sauce to help ease my depression. Kikkoman when he’s down, I guess.
I was depressed so I surrounded myself with positive people. Now they’re depressed.
I’ve made a website for depressed tennis players. The servers are currently down.
Did you hear about the depressed Swede? He wished he’d never been Bjorn.
Why is the tuna depressed? He got canned yesterday.
Last year I was miserable and depressed. But this year I turned things around. Now I am depressed and miserable.
A gardener took his dog to the vet. “He’s been acting real depressed,” explained the gardener. “He just lays in the garden day after day, letting out these really sad sighs.” “I see,” replied the vet. “What do you grow?” “This season it’s cantaloupe, but I don’t see how that’s relevant.” The vet nodded knowingly and replied, “Well, that explains it – he’s a melon Collie.”
I was feeling depressed. So my wife put her hand on my shoulder and said “Earth.” That meant the world to me.
My therapist said the best treatment for depression is to vigorously rub salt into my skin, to draw out excess moisture … Wow! I’m cured!
Have you ever seen a depressed atom? It’s no laughing matter.
Why is the grass depressed? It’s forever a lawn.
Why are all mini golf players depressed? They have no drive.
My dentist told me to open up. So I started telling him how depressed I was.
Why was the amputee depressed? He was de-feeted.
Why was the circle depressed? She thought her life was pointless.
I was going to make a depressed joke … But my parents already did.
Why do astronauts never get depressed, even if they stay in outer space for months? There’s nothing there to bring them down.
Do you know why there are no letter-D shaped buttons? It would be really depressing.
Why was the dolphin depressed? It had no porpoise.
Cooking with French ingredients always makes me depressed. Yesterday I almost lost the huile d’olive.
It’s not a real economic downturn until people stop buying pre-shredded cheese. That’s the start of the grate depression.
The tallest man in the world must be depressed. He has no one to look up to.
What is it called when everything in your spice cabinet is sad? Seasonal depression.
What do you call a society of depressed people? A melancholony.
What do you call a depressed guy who lost his pet dolphin? A man without a porpoise.
Why aren’t depressed people worried about flat tyres? They are always carrying despair.
How long does it take for a depressed person to change a light bulb? Five days, and I’m pretty proud of myself.
My girlfriend made a t-shirt with my face on looking depressed. She’s really been wearing me down.
The AI software in my new car is equipped with emotional response technology. For example, in order to stop I’m required to tell it my life story. Apparently that’s how you depress the brakes.
I used to suffer from depression but through hard work, persistence, and never giving up … I now suffer from anxiety and depression.
What did the depressed pickle say to himself? I can’t dill with this anymore.
Whenever I’m feeling depressed, I go up an elevator. I find it uplifting.
I visited Stockholm. At first the place depressed me and I wanted to leave. Now, I love the place so much and want to stay forever.
As a plumber, I became depressed. I felt like my career was going down the toilet.
I hate my job crushing coke cans. It’s soda pressing.
There was a depressed sausage. He thought his life was the wurst.
A man walks into a bar, looking all sad, and orders a drink. After a few minutes he orders another. About thirty minutes later he orders a few more drinks. The bartenders asks, “Dude you look really depressed. Is everything okay?” The man explains, “My wife and I got into big fight. She says she won’t speak to me for 31 days.” The bartender asks, “Well isn’t that a good thing?” The man replies, “Sadly, tonight’s the last night.”
I made a 3D game about a depressed self-harming goth. It’s mostly unskippable cutscenes.
Yesterday, I got so depressed I spent entire day listening to Celine Dion records … Or that’s what I thought until I realised my cat had fallen in to the dryer.
They say, you are what you eat. But I don’t know man, I don’t remember eating depression.
When I got depressed, I joined the army. I didn’t have any experience or motivation, I just wanted a soldier to cry on.
What’s big, Scottish, and depressing? Scotland.
What did Odysseus say to the depressed Cyclops? Nobody cares.
Doctor said getting some natural light would help with my depression. Now I’m depressed and hung over.
How do frogs avoid depression? They just eat whatever bugs them.
My wife always weeps when we go to the herbs and spices section of our grocery store. Seasonal depression is no joke, guys.
Why was the Headless Horseman depressed? He could never seem to get ahead in life.
Why should you never build a commercial district in a crater? You’d have an economy in a depression.
What do you say to a depressed calendar salesman? Take it one day at a time, buddy.
Jokes About Depression
If these puns and jokes about depression cheered you up, check out the rest of LaffGaff for lots more funny jokes, such as these: