More Morbid Jokes And Puns

We’ve published our favorite dark jokes before and now here’s another collection of funny but morbid jokes just for you. If you do find them hilarious, that’s a sign of your intelligence! And as we know you’re clever, we like to spoil you… so enjoy they bleakly funny morbid jokes!

A selection of really morbid jokes and humor

Funny Morbid Jokes

It’s ironic how funeral directors have raised the price of funerals and blamed it on cost of living.

What’s black and white and can’t go through a revolving door? A nun with a spear through her head.

A man goes to the doctor to get some test results back. The doctor says to him, “Well sir, I have good news and bad news. Which do you want first?” The man asks for the good news first so the doctor frowns and says, “The good news is we’re naming it after you.”

What’s black and screams? Stevie Wonder answering the iron.

Are orphans allowed to eat at a family restaurant?

A man is talking to his doctor after undergoing a whole range of tests to try and find out what’s wrong with him. The doctor sits him down and says, “I’m so sorry to have to tell you this. But the results are back, and I’m afraid it’s fatal.” “Oh no!” exclaims the man, “How long do I have?” “Ten,” says the doctor. “What, years? Months?!” “Nine…”

Three dead bodies are delivered to the mortuary one day. Each of them has a  great big smile on their face. The coroner examines the bodies and then calls the police to tell them what has happened. “First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector”, says the coroner. “Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.” The inspector then asks, “What about the third body?” “Ah,” says the coroner, “This is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning.” “Why is he smiling then?” asks the inspector. “He thought he was having his picture taken.”

A man walks into a diner one day, walks up to the counter, and proceeds to order a bowl a chili. The waitress says that the man sitting next to him just ordered the last bowl they had. That man was just sitting there, not eating the chili. After watching him not eating for a while, the first man asks him, “Are you going to eat that?” The second man replies, “No, you can have it if you want.” So the first man takes the bowl and starts eating. About halfway through the bowl, he’s chewing when he feels a crunch. He looks down only to  see half a dead rat sitting in the chili. He immediately throws all of it up, back into the bowl. The second man looks at him and says, “Yeah, that’s about as far as I got too.”

My girlfriend wanted me to treat her like a princess for her birthday. So I took her out, got her drunk, and crashed the car.

How did the dentist suddenly become a brain surgeon? A slip of the hand.

Which disability is the most morbid? Hearing impairment – they’re always living close to deaf.

Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.

Why did the little girl fall off the swing? Because she had no arms. Knock, knock! Who’s there? Not the little girl.

My wife and I were waiting in line at the pharmacy to get her some of the good stuff from behind the counter. When she’s sick she can be a little overly dramatic. Her: “I think I’m dying, do they make anything for that?” Me: “Funerals.”

“I’m sorry” and “I apologize” mean the same thing. Except at a funeral.

How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman? None.

A woman decides to take a well-earned vacation and she asks her brother to watch her cat while she’s away. On the second day, when she calls her brother to see how things are going he tells her bluntly that the cat is dead. The woman is really upset and goes into hysterics, before saying, “You can’t tell a person bad news so bluntly. You should break the news gently. The first day, you should have said that Fluffy was stuck on the roof and couldn’t get down. The second day, you could have said that she had fallen, but the vet said she would be okay. Then on the third day you could have said that she died from complications.” The next day, the woman calls her brother again and asks how things are. He says, “Well, Grandma is stuck on the roof and can’t get down …”

Where do suicide bombers go after they die? Everywhere.

Did you know that Helen Keller had a dollhouse in her back yard? Neither did she.

A man walks into a rooftop bar and takes a seat next to another guy. “What are you drinking?” he asks the guy. “Magic beer,” the guy replies. “Oh, yeah? What’s so magical about it?” asks the man. So the guy shows him: he takes a drink of beer, dives off the roof, flies around the building, then finally returns to his seat with a triumphant smile. “That’s amazing!” the man says. “Let me try some of that!” So he grabs the beer, downs it all, leaps off the roof… And plummets 20 stories to the ground. The bartender shakes his head and says, “You know, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk, Superman.”

Why was the leper hockey game cancelled? There was a face off in the corner.

What did Kermit the frog say at Jim Henson’s funeral? Nothing.

What has two legs, but can’t walk? Half a dog.

Morbid pessimists vs. optimists: The morbid pessimist says, “It can’t get any worse!” The optimist replies, “Oh yes it can.”

In some countries they bury the dead with a bunch of bananas in hopes that a banana tree will grow. I find it morbidly appealing.

Why do orphans like playing tennis? Because it’s the only love they get.

Stephen Hawking walks into a bar … Just kidding.

A baby seal walks into a club.

What’s the difference between a dark, morbid, and absurd joke? Dark is 10 children in 1 trash can. Morbid is 1 child in 10 trash cans. Absurd is 10 trash cans in 1 child.

What has four legs and one arm? A Doberman in a playground.

What’s brown and lives in the attic? The diarrhea of Anne Frank.

Knock, knock! Who’s there? 9/11. 9/11 who? You said you’d never forget.

I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. A week later he told me it was the most violent book he’d ever read.

I bet my friend $5 that he’d drown if he tried to swim across the lake. That was a bittersweet victory.

What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend? He wiped his butt.

Where do you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left it.

My friend was told by her doctor that she was morbidly obese. As if she doesn’t have enough on her plate.

A friend of mine used to be morbidly obese, but after lots of exercise and hard work … We were able to lift his coffin.

A lady with a morbid fear of drowning is on a ship in the middle of an ocean. Nervously, she asks a crew member, “Just how far away from land are we?” Calmly, he reassures her, “You have nothing to worry about, we’re only 5 kilometers from land.” Relieved, she inquires, “Oh, in which direction?” “That would be straight down, Miss…”

More Funny Jokes

If you enjoyed our collection of morbid jokes, be sure to check out the rest of LaffGaff for lots more funny jokes including these:

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