We’ve published our favorite dark jokes before and now here’s another collection of funny but morbid jokes just for you.
See how we spoil you… Enjoy!
A man walks into a library and asks to borrow a book on how to commit suicide.
The librarian says, “No, you won’t bring it back.”
What’s black and white and can’t go through a revolving door?
A nun with a spear through her head.
A man goes to the doctor to get some test results back.
The doctor says to him, “Well sir, I have good news and bad news. Which do you want first?”
The man asks for the good news first so the doctor frowns and says, “The good news is we’re naming it after you.”
What’s black and screams?
Stevie Wonder answering the iron.
Are orphans allowed to eat at a family restaurant?
A man is talking to his doctor after undergoing a whole range of tests to try and find out what’s wrong with him.
The doctor sits him down and says, “I’m so sorry to have to tell you this. But the results are back, and I’m afraid it’s fatal.”
“Oh no!” exclaims the man, “How long do I have?”
“Ten,” says the doctor.
“What, years? Months?!”
Three dead bodies are delivered to the mortuary one day. Each of them has a great big smile on their face.
The coroner examines the bodies and then calls the police to tell them what has happened.
“First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector”, says the coroner.
“Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.”
The inspector then asks, “What about the third body?”
“Ah,” says the coroner, “This is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning.”
“Why is he smiling then?” asks the inspector.
“He thought he was having his picture taken.”
A man walks into a diner one day, walks up to the counter, and proceeds to order a bowl a chili.
The waitress says that the man sitting next to him just ordered the last bowl they had. That man was just sitting there, not eating the chili.
After watching him not eating for a while, the first man asks him, “Are you going to eat that?”
The second man replies, “No, you can have it if you want.”
So the first man takes the bowl and starts eating.
About halfway through the bowl, he’s chewing when he feels a crunch. He looks down only to see half a dead rat sitting in the chili.
He immediately throws all of it up, back into the bowl.
The second man looks at him and says, “Yeah, that’s about as far as I got too.”
My girlfriend wanted me to treat her like a princess for her birthday.
So I took her out, got her drunk, and crashed the car.
How did the dentist suddenly become a brain surgeon?
A slip of the hand.
A woman visits the doctor because she’s been suffering from some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant.
After he finishes examining her, the doctor comes out to see her and says, “Well, I hope you like changing diapers.”
The woman replies, “Oh my God! Am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?”
The doctor says, “No, you’ve got bowel cancer.”
Today was a terrible day.
My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.
Why did the little girl fall off the swing?
Because she had no arms.
Not the little girl.
Why can’t you fool an aborted fetus?
Because it wasn’t born yesterday.
“I’m sorry” and “I apologize” mean the same thing.
Except at a funeral.
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?
A woman decides to take a well-earned vacation and she asks her brother to watch her cat while she’s away.
On the second day, when she calls her brother to see how things are going he tells her bluntly that the cat is dead.
The woman is really upset and goes into hysterics, before saying, “You can’t tell a person bad news so bluntly. You should break the news gently. The first day, you should have said that Fluffy was stuck on the roof and couldn’t get down. The second day, you could have said that she had fallen, but the vet said she would be okay. Then on the third day you could have said that she died from complications.”
The next day, the woman calls her brother again and asks how things are. He says, “Well, Grandma is stuck on the roof and can’t get down …”
Where do suicide bombers go after they die?
Did you know that Helen Keller had a dollhouse in her back yard?
Neither did she.
A man walks into a rooftop bar and takes a seat next to another guy.
“What are you drinking?” he asks the guy.
“Magic beer,” the guy replies.
“Oh, yeah? What’s so magical about it?” asks the man.
So the guy shows him: he takes a drink of beer, dives off the roof, flies around the building, then finally returns to his seat with a triumphant smile.
“That’s amazing!” the man says. “Let me try some of that!”
So he grabs the beer, downs it all, leaps off the roof…
And plummets 20 stories to the ground. The bartender shakes his head and says, “You know, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk, Superman.”
Why was the leper hockey game cancelled?
There was a face off in the corner.
What did Kermit the frog say at Jim Henson’s funeral?
What has two legs, but can’t walk?
Half a dog.
A guy is due to meet his friends for drink at a bar but arrives late. When he does eventually turn up his friends ask why he is late.
The guy says, “Well, you won’t believe what just happened. I was walking my usual route via the rail tracks when suddenly I saw a young, naked woman tied up next to the tracks. Of course I untied her and we had sex because I freed her.”
The friends are cheering and one friend asks, “So… did you get any head?”
The guy replies, “No, I couldn’t find it.”
Two guys in a car get pulled over by a cop. The cop walks over and taps the window. The first guy rolls it down.
The cop says, “Good evening gentlemen, we’re looking for two paedophiles.”
The first guy quickly closes the window. A few seconds later, he lowers it again and says, “Okay, we’ll do it.”
Why do orphans like playing tennis?
Because it’s the only love they get.
Stephen Hawking walks into a bar…
A baby seal walks into a club.
What do teen mothers and their unborn babies have in common?
They’re both thinking, “Oh my God, my mom’s gonna kill me!”
What has four legs and one arm?
A Dobermann in a playground.
What’s brown and lives in the attic?
The diarrhea of Anne Frank.
You said you’d never forget.
I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday.
A week later he told me it was the most violent book he’d ever read.
I bet my friend $5 that he’d drown if he tried to swim across the lake.
That was a bittersweet victory.
What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?
He wiped his butt.
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left it.
If you enjoyed our collection of morbid jokes, be sure to check out the rest of our site for lots more laughs including these: