Ugly Jokes

There’s nothing unattractive about these funny ugly jokes and puns! In fact, they look great and you’re sure not to be repulsed by them because they’re hilarious!

Header image for a page of funny ugly jokes and puns.

Funny Ugly Jokes

I wish I could be ugly for one day.

Being ugly every day sucks.

Always marry an ugly woman, a beautiful one will leave you.

An ugly one will too, but you just won’t care as much.

Two women go to heaven and meet St. Peter.

He told the two women you can do anything you want here in heaven but please do not step on a duck because they make a terrible noise and racket.

The two women agreed and entered heaven. One day, one of the women accidently stepped on a duck and sure enough it made such a terrible noise and racket, soon after that St. Peter came over to her with an ugly man next to him and immediately chained him to the woman and she sadly walked away with the ugly man.

The other woman was shocked and took extra precautions not to step on a duck and after much time had passed St Peter came over to her with a handsome man and chained him to her. The woman excitedly blushed and looked at the man and said, I am not sure what I did to get chained to you, but this is great, and the handsome man looked at her and said, I am not sure , all I did was step on a duck.

At a wedding I whispered to a guy next to me, “Isn’t the bride ugly?”

“Do you mind. That’s my daughter you’re talking about”

I said, “I’m sorry, I didn’t know you were her father.”

“I’m not, I’m her mother.”

A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs.

The female cashier says, “You must be single.”

The man replies, “Wow, how did you know?”

The cashier says, “Because you’re ugly.”

Women call me ugly until they see my wallet.

Then they call me poor too.

Kid: “Mom, am I ugly?”

Mom: “I told you not to call me mom in public.”

A woman called me ugly until she found how much money I make.

Now she’s calling me ugly and poor.

A wife treats her husband by taking him to a strip club for his birthday.

At the club, the doorman says, “Hi Jim, how are you?”

The wife asks, “How does he know you?”

Jim says, “Oh dear, I play football with him.”

Inside the bartender says, “The usual, Jim?”

Jim says to his wife, “Before you say anything, He’s on the darts team.”

Next a stripper says, “Hi Jim! Do you crave the special again?”

The wife storms out dragging Jim with her & jumps into a taxi.

The taxi driver says, “Hey Jimmy boy! You picked up an ugly one this time.”

Your mom is so ugly…

That the world faked a pandemic just so she has to wear a mask.

A man was sun bathing naked at the beach.

For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.

A women walks past and says, snickering, “If you were a gentleman you’d lift your hat.”

He raised an eyebrow and replied, “If you weren’t so ugly, it would lift itself.”

Your momma so ugly, her portraits hang themselves.

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies.

They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced, He decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.

They’re all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is.

“I want to be gorgeous,” and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.

The second one in line hears this and says “I want to be gorgeous too.”

Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing.

When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing.

Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.

The guy calms down and says, “Make ’em all ugly again.”

Yo mamma’s so ugly…

Yo daddy takes her to work with him every day so he doesn’t have to kiss her goodbye.

Three men, John, Paul, and Bob live horrible lives and go to hell.

When they arrive, a hideously ugly woman appears out of nowhere.

Suddenly, a loud booming voice says, “John! You have sinned! In reparation for your atrocious lifestyle you are condemned to sleep with this woman.”

With a cry of dismay, John is a whisked away to endure this horrible penance.

Suddenly, another even uglier more hideous woman comes forward.

“Paul! You have sinned! In reparation for your atrocious lifestyle you are condemned to sleep with this woman.”

Paul is suddenly whisked away, clawing the ground as he is dragged off.

Bob stands alone in the room, quaking with fear, when Kate Upton walks in! He can’t believe his luck!

Suddenly, the voice says, “Kate! You have sinned!”

My daughter came home today and said “Dad, I’d like you to meet my new boyfriend Mike.”

“Are you kidding me?!” I said, “What are you doing with this ugly loser? Don’t scrape the barrel, you can do much better than this.”

“Dad!!” my daughter screamed, “Mike is lovely!”

“I know.” I replied “I was talking to him.”

A woman seated while flying in economy and holding her baby in her arms, was startled when the man sitting behind her bent forward to say, “Ma’am that is one ugly baby you have there!”

The woman, wide-eyed and open-mouthed, was so shocked she could barely retort. “Well I … I never!”

The man continued, “I’m just being honest with you ma’am, I mean, I’ve seen some ugly babies in my time, but yours is a real showstopper”.

Quite overwhelmed, the woman called a flight attendant over. “The man behind me just hurled the most hideous insult at me, and I demand to be moved to a different seat!” she said.

The attendant gave her a consoling look of sympathy. “I’m so sorry, but as you know our flight is fully booked and until we find someone willing to switch seats, I’m afraid I won’t be able to reseat you. We do apologize, however, and if you like, in the meantime we’d be happy to offer you anything from our in-flight menu free of charge.”

“Fine”, the woman said with an air of resignation, “But I’ve never been so insulted in all my life. What a horrible man!”

“Well, I just said the truth!” could be faintly heard from the seat behind.

Hearing that, the attendant resolved to make the woman feel better as soon as possible, telling her, “Any item of food or any alcoholic or non-alcoholic beverage, whatever you choose, it’s on us”, she said.

“And if you like I’ll also bring a banana for your comfort monkey.”

Yo mama so ugly…

She walked into a haunted house and came out with a job application.

My girlfriend was standing nude in front of a mirror and she wasn’t happy with what she saw.

She said, “I’m fat and I am ugly I really need a compliment right now.”

I replied, “Well your eyesight is near perfect.”

A really ugly woman approached me at the bar, squeezed my butt and said, “Give me your number, you gorgeous hunk.”

I said, “Have you got a pen?”

She smiled and said, “Sure do!”

I replied, “You’d better get back in it before your farmer notices you’re missing!”

More Funny Jokes

If you enjoyed our funny ugly jokes, check out the rest of LaffGaff for lots more great jokes, such as these:

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