It’s always a good idea to have some funny comebacks and insults ready, just in case. There’s nothing worse than being stuck for words only to kick yourself afterwards when you think of a good comeback far too late.
So here’s a selection of what we think are the most savage funny comebacks and roasts so you can make sure you’re always armed with a good roast.
Top 5 Best Comebacks
Here are our top 5 best comebacks to insults. Arm yourself for your next insult battle now!
I’d give you a nasty look but you’ve already got one.
If you’re going to be two-faced, at least make one of them pretty.
I love what you’ve done with your hair. How do you get it to come out of the nostrils like that?
If laughter is the best medicine, your face must be curing the world.
The only way you’ll ever get laid is if you crawl up a chicken’s ass and wait.
70 More Savage Roasts & Mean Funny Comebacks
Here are 70 more of the funniest and meanest comebacks to insults!
- It looks like your face caught fire and someone tried to put it out with a hammer.
- If I wanted a bitch, I’d have bought a dog.
- What doesn’t kill you, disappoints me.
- I’d like to see things from your point of view, but I can’t seem to get my head that far up your ass.
- I’ve seen people like you before, but I had to pay admission.
- Scientists say the universe is made up of neutrons, protons and electrons. They forgot to mention morons.
- You’re so fat you could sell shade.
- Why is it acceptable for you to be an idiot but not for me to point it out?
- Your lips keep moving but all I hear is “Blah, blah, blah.”
- Your family tree must be a cactus because everyone on it is a prick.
- You’ll never be the man your mother is.
- Did you know they used to be called “Jumpolines” until your mum jumped on one?
- Your only purpose in life is as an organ donor.
- Just because you have one doesn’t mean you need to act like one.
- I’m sorry, was I meant to be offended? The only thing offending me is your face.
- Someday you’ll go far… and I hope you stay there.
- Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? Ask your mother.
- Stupidity’s not a crime, so you’re free to go.
- If you’re waiting for me to care, you better pack a lunch. It’s going to be a while.
- If I had a face like yours I’d sue my parents.
- Your doctor called with your colonoscopy results. Good news – they found your head.
- No, those pants don’t make you look fatter – how could they?
- What’s the difference between your girlfriend and a walrus? One has a moustache and smells of fish and the other is a walrus.
- Save your breath – you’ll need it to blow up your date.
- You’re not stupid; you just have bad luck when thinking.
- If you really want to know about mistakes, you should ask your parents.
- Please, keep talking. I always yawn when I am interested.
- The zoo called. They’re wondering how you got out of your cage?
- Jesus loves you… but everyone else thinks you’re an asshole.
- Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
- I was hoping for a battle of wits but you appear to be unarmed.
- Hey, you have something on your chin… no, the 3rd one down.
- Aww, it’s so cute when you try to talk about things you don’t understand.
- I love the sound you make when you shut up.
- I don’t know what makes you so stupid, but it really works.
- You are proof that evolution can go in reverse.
- Brains aren’t everything. In your case they’re nothing.
- I thought of you today. It reminded me to take the garbage out.
- You’re so ugly when you look in the mirror, your reflection looks away.
- When you were born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to your dad, “I’m very sorry. We did everything we could. But he pulled through.”
- Grab a straw, because you suck.
- I’m sorry I didn’t get that – I don’t speak idiot.
- Quick – check your face! I just found your nose in my business.
- It’s better to let someone think you’re stupid than open your mouth and prove it.
- Isn’t there a bullet somewhere you could be jumping in front of?
- Hey, your village called – they want their idiot back.
- Were you born this stupid or did you take lessons?
- I’ve been called worse by better.
- You’re such a beautiful, intelligent, wonderful person. Oh I’m sorry, I thought we were having a lying competition.
- You should really come with a warning label.
- I may love to shop but I’m not buying your bull.
- Do you always act like an idiot or do you just show off when I’m around?
- The people who tolerate you on a daily basis are the real heroes.
- Don’t you get tired of putting make up on two faces every morning?
- I’d slap you but I don’t want to make your face look any better.
- Calling you an idiot would be an insult to all stupid people.
- You know, all the makeup and the clothes can’t change what an ugly person you really are.
- Gay? I’m straighter than the pole your mom dances on.
- I just stepped in something that was smarter than you… and smelled better too.
- You have the right to remain silent because whatever you say will probably be stupid anyway.
- Jealousy is a disease. Get well soon.
- I’m an acquired taste. Don’t like me, acquire some taste.
- The jerk store called, they’re running out of you.
- Don’t be ashamed of who you are. That’s your parent’s job.
- Too bad you can’t Photoshop your ugly personality.
- Have a nice day, somewhere else.
- I am returning your nose. I found it in my business.
- There’s no doubt about it. Your father should have pulled out earlier.
- I hear there’s a new app called a sense of humour. You should try downloading it.
- You can’t Photoshop personality.
More Good Comebacks & Funny Jokes
If you liked our collection of mean yet funny comebacks to insults and roasts and are looking for even more, why not check out our collection of funny Yo Mama jokes and our funny insults. Or why not check out our huge collection of funny jokes, including these: