There’s nothing slim about this huge collection of funny fat people jokes and one liners!
We’re not exactly slim here at LaffGaff either so we’re basically poking fun at ourselves here and absolutely no offence is intended.
So please enjoy these funny fat jokes.
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four chin teller.
I went to see the doctor today and he said to me, “Don’t eat anything fatty.”
I said, “What – no bacon or sausages or burgers or anything?”
He said, “No fatty, just don’t eat anything.”
My 6-pack is very precious to me.
That’s why I protect it with a layer of fat.
Behind every fat woman there is a beautiful woman. No seriously, you’re in the way.
You know you’re getting fat when you sit in the bath and the water in the toilet rises.
How do you seduce a fat woman?
Piece of cake.
I went to the doctor’s today and when I walked in, she said, “I’m sorry about your wait.”
I said, “So am I but it’s okay, I’ve been fat all my life.”
I can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym again today.
That’s seven years in a row now.
I don’t have a “Dad bod”.
I have a father figure.
I’m not fat, I’m just 4 feet too short.
Every time someone calls me fat I get so depressed I cut myself…
A piece of cake.
I’m not saying my wife’s fat but if I had to name the 5 fattest people I know, she’d be 3 of them.
My wife told me, “Don’t get upset if someone calls you fat.”
“You’re much bigger than that.”
My girlfriend’s so fat when she fell over in the sand she rocked herself to sleep trying to get up.
She was eventually woken by a lifeguard who asked her to move back because the tide was waiting to come in.
Relationships are like fat people.
Most of them don’t work out.
Can fat people go skinny dipping?
After years of dieting, I found there was only one way to look thin:
Hang out with fat people.
After queueing up for almost half an hour in the pharmacy last week, I finally got to the counter.
The woman looked at me and said, “I’m really sorry about your wait.”
I said, “You’re not so skinny yourself, actually.”
That awkward moment when a fat kid says, “That’s how I roll.”
My boyfriend hates it when I make jokes about his weight.
He needs to lighten up.
Stressed spelled backwards is desserts.
A guy is standing on the bathroom scales desperately sucking in his stomach.
“That’s not going to help,” says his wife.
“Yes ,it will,” replies the man. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers!”
A woman who was rather on the large side turned up at the theatre just before the performance was due to start.
She handed the usher two tickets.
The usher asked, “Where’s the other party?”
The woman blushed. “Well, you see one seat’s a bit small for me and rather uncomfortable so I bought two. But they’re both really for me.”
“That’s fine with me, Ma’am,” the usher replied, scratching his head.
“There’s just one problem. Your seats are numbers 47 and 65.”
My ex-girlfriend told me nothing shocks her any more.
So I switched her digital scale from pounds to kilograms.
I burnt a lot of calories today…
I set a fat kid on fire.
I’m not saying my girlfriend’s fat but she’s got so many double chins it looks like she’s staring at you over a plate of pancakes.
Missionary Impossible: When 2 fat people try to have sex.
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
My wife said to me, “I hate myself because I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?”
I said, “You’ve got perfect eyesight.”
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year.
Only 13 to go.
I keep trying to lose weight…
But it keeps finding me.
I was lying in bed with my wife last night.
She looked at me seductively and said, “I’m wide awake, babe.”
I said, “You’re wide when you’re asleep too.”
I recently entered a competition to see who had gained the most weight and lost the most hair.
Obviously, it wasn’t called that.
It was advertised as a ‘School Reunion.’
Want to look thinner?
Hang out with fat people.
My wife asked me for something that does nought to sixty in 5 seconds for her birthday.
I bought her a set of bathroom scales.
I’m in shape.
Unfortunately it’s the wrong one.
Why do guys gain weight after they get married?
Because when they’re single, they come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed.
When they’re married, they come home, see what’s in the bed, and go to the fridge.
Brain cells come and go but fat cells live forever.
I love you loads, honeypie.” My wife said to me earlier.
I replied, “And I love you tons.”
“What, no nickname for me?” She asked, disappointed.
Sometimes I swear she’s going deaf.
You never hear skinny people saying, “I’m just small boned.”
I went to the doctors today and he told me I was overweight.
I said, “I want a second opinion.”
He said, “Okay, you’re ugly too.”
A man walks into a store and says, “Can I please have a KitKat Chunky?”
The lady behind the till gets a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.
“No,” says the man, “I wanted a normal KitKat, fatso.
I always try to encourage fat people.
So keep your chins up.
My obese wife died last night.
In her memory I’m going to eat a chocolate cake.
It’s what she would have wanted.
My wife told me to grow up.
I told her I would when she stopped growing sideways.