Break Up Jokes And Puns

These funny break up jokes are so good you’re never going to want to leave them! You’ll want to stay with them forever, because they’re keepers!

Header image for a page of funny break up jokes and puns.

Funny Break Up Jokes

I had to break up with my tennis-playing girlfriend.

Love meant nothing to her.

Why did the banker break up with his girlfriend?

He started losing interest.

If Elon Musk’s space company establishes a Mars colony, and you have a girlfriend on Mars, but later break up because of long distance, she’d be your…

Space ex.

[At dinner] Her: I think we need to break up. For starters, I’m sick of your awful jokes at the worst times.

Me: Ok, and for the main course?

I asked my girlfriend if she’d like a day of eating ice cream and hanging with her girl friends.

She said “Yes!”

I said “Good, because I’m breaking up with you.”

Her: I think we need to break up. I’m sick of your addiction to Burger King.

Me: Fine. Have it your way.

Why did The Rock break up with his girlfriend?

Because she took him for granite.

My wife said she’s breaking up with me, because of my obsession with rhyming.

I nearly choked on my tea, what terrible timing!

I had to break up with my cross-eyed girlfriend.

Apparently, she was seeing someone else on the side.

What’s the hardest part breaking up with a Japanese girlfriend?

You have to drop the bomb on her twice before she gets it.

I told my ex girlfriend that the world is flat. She got really angry.

When I told her she was my world, she decided to break up.

My girlfriend’s cell phone service sucks!

Eight days ago she said, “We’re breaking up,” the call ended, and it’s gone straight to voicemail ever since.

Santa and Mrs. Claus decided to break up.

However, finding a divorce lawyer at the North Pole is next to impossible, so instead they got a semicolon.

They’re great at separating independent Clauses.

When I told my girlfriend that I wanted to break up, she tried gifting me a mini plastic figurine of myself in an attempt to salvage our relationship.

I shouted, “Lego of me!”

My girlfriend texted me that the relationship cannot continue because I played too much video games.

Looks like it was my Destiny 2 break up with her.

My girlfriend called me last night.

She wanted to talk, but I couldn’t hear her voice because of the static noise.

She was breaking up.

Girlfriend: “We’re breaking up.”

Boyfriend: “Why?”

Girlfriend: “You’re always playing video games.”

Boyfriend: “This is a stupid thing to Fallout 4.”

I witnessed the break up of an obese couple.

I guess they didn’t work out.

Why did the biology teacher break up with the physics teacher?

They had no chemistry.

How did the Italian chef break up with his girlfriend?

“Pasta la vista, baby.”

Why did the blouse break up with the t-shirt?

Because he didn’t collar.

What happens when a group of musicians break up?

They disband.

A proton and neutron break up.

An electron walks up to the proton and says, “Hey! Stay positive!”

Why did the fish break up with his shrimp girlfriend?

He just thought she was a little shellfish.

I had to break up with my boyfriend after he lost his feet in an accident.

Because I’m lack-toes intolerant.

My girlfriend told me she was gonna break up with me if I don’t stop quoting Linkin Park.

But in the end, it doesn’t even matter.

How does Mario break up with Peach?

“It’s not you, it’s a me Mario.”

Why did the male giraffe break up with his girlfriend?

Because she was a cheetah.

Why did the garden tools break up?

Because the rake couldn’t handle that his girlfriend was a hoe.

Why did the stone mason break up with the con artist?

He was taken for granite.

Why’s it a bad idea to date celery?

Because when you break up you know it’ll keep on stalking you.

What is NASA’s favorite break up line?

I just need some space.

Why did the beaver break up with his girlfriend?

Because he’s in love with some otter girl.

Why did the introduction and the conclusion break up?

They were just never on the same page.

Why did the ice cream sundae break up?

The banana split.

Guys I really want to break up with my jazz musician girlfriend but I can’t.

The sax is just too good.

How did the mustard begin her break up letter to her husband?

“Dijon….”

What’s the worst way to break up with a blind person?

“I think we should see other people.”

Why did the dust pan break up with the broom?

Because it was sweeping around.

A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan.

While he was there he received a “Dear John” letter from his girlfriend.

In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him.

To add injury to the insult, she said she wanted back the picture of herself that she had given him.

So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find.

In all, he got more than 25 pictures of various women (some with clothes and some without).

He then mailed them to his now-former girlfriend with the following note:

“I don’t remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back.”

More Funny Jokes

If you enjoyed these hilarious jokes about breaking up, be sure to have a look around the rest of LaffGaff for lots more funny jokes, such as these: