Wife Jokes

One of the keys to a good marriage is a shared sense of humor, so see how good your wife’s is by telling her these funny wife jokes! Be prepared to make a run for it though!

Header image for a page of funny wife jokes and puns.

Funny Wife Jokes

I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.

She said, “Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings.”

So I got her nothing.

My wife gets angry…

That I keep introducing her as my ex-girlfriend.

My wife said to me, “I’m going to clone myself”

I said, “That would be just like you.”

My wife has been missing for a week and the police told me to prepare for the worst.

So I went to Goodwill and got all her clothes back.

My wife is so negative.

I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag.

Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.

My wife’s cooking is incredible.

With a silent “cr”.

After trying for a week, my wife just told me that she is pregnant.

She has the worst stutter ever.

My wife said she was fed up with me always getting my directions mixed up.

So I packed my bags and right.

My wife worships me.

She puts burnt offerings in front of me every day.

I hate when my wife gets mad at me for being lazy.

It’s not like I did anything.

My wife is still mad at me because I accidentally put superglue on her pen a few days ago.

She just can’t seem to let it go.

I no longer see my wife and kids and it’s all because of gambling.

I won the lottery and moved to Spain.

It’s my wife’s birthday in a couple of days and when I asked her what she wanted she said she’d be happy with anything with lots of diamonds in it.

She’s going to love this pack of playing cards I’ve bought her.

My wife left me because of my depression.

Which cheered me right up.

My wife said to me, “I hate myself because I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?”

I said, “You’ve got perfect eyesight.”

A young boy goes to his Dad one day and says, “Dad, did you know in some countries you don’t know who your wife is until you get married?”

The dad replies, “It’s like that everywhere, son.”

My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner.

So I took the battery out of the smoke alarm.

My wife apologised for the first time ever today.

She said she’s sorry she ever married me.

My deaf wife just told me that “We need to talk.”

That was not a good sign.

It’s really hard to say what my wife does for a living.

She sells sea shells on the sea shore.

I’m trying to convince my wife that I want a Segway for my birthday.

But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.

My wife is a body builder.

She’s pregnant.

What do you call a hippie’s wife?

Mississippi.

I slept with my best friend’s wife last night and now I feel terrible.

I think she must have given me a cold or something.

Yesterday my wife thought she saw a cockroach in the kitchen, so she sprayed everything down and cleaned thoroughly.

Today I’m putting a cockroach in the bathroom.

I just found out my wife has a twin sister.

I saw her on Tinder.

Why did the wizard’s wife have hickeys on her neck?

Because he was a neck-romancer.

My wife told me she was leaving me because she couldn’t live with me always making stupid Star Wars puns.

I said, “Divorce is strong with this one…”

My wife claims that she can wax my chest hair without me feeling any pain at all.

I’m nervous she won’t be able to pull it off.

My wife claims I have a poor sense of direction.

I don’t know where she’s coming from.

My wife came home from the doctors today and was looking all pleased with herself, so I asked her why she was so happy.

She said, “The doctor said that for a 45 year old woman, I’ve got the breasts of an 18 year old.”

I said, “Oh yeah, and what did he say about your 45 year old ass?”

She said, “Your name never came up in conversation.”

My wife is threatening to kick me out of the house because of my obsession with acting like a news anchor.

More on this after the break.

My wife and I were having this huge argument as to whose turn it was to do laundry.

Finally, I threw in the towel.

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated.

She made an appointment for Tuesday.

My wife just threw away my favorite herb.

She’s such a thyme waster.

I went to the doctor and told him that I’m having trouble ‘satisfying’ the wife.

He told me I should do what he does.

I asked, “What’s that, then?”

He said, “Earn 100k a year.”

My wife gave me an ultimatum.

It was either her or my addiction to sweets.

The decision was as easy as pie.

My wife was furious with me today.

I put a stick in a non-stick pan.

My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop eating pasta.

Now I’m feeling cannelloni.

My wife hated my impulse purchase of a revolving chair, but then she sat on it.

She soon came around.

My wife just completed a 40 week body building program this morning.

It’s a girl and weighs 7 lbs 12 oz.

My wife said that quilts are better than duvets.

I told her to be careful making blanket statements like that.

My wife claims that a man in camouflage is really sexy.

I just don’t see it.

My wife said she saw a bowtie made from solid mahogany.

She told me she nearly bought it for me but she didn’t think I would wear it.

I replied “Wooden tie?”

More Funny Jokes

If you enjoyed these funny wife jokes, be sure to check out the rest of LaffGaff for lots more funny jokes such as these: