Aunt Jokes

You need aunt-icipate no longer because we’ve put together this fantastic collection of funny aunt jokes and puns! They definitely won’t be an auntie-climax!

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Funny Aunt Jokes And Puns

My aunt’s star sign was cancer, so it’s pretty ironic how she died.

She was eaten by a giant crab.

My aunt is having twins.

My Dad thinks she should name the girl Denise.

And the boy Denephew.

How do you introduce a loaf of bread to your angry aunt?

Meatloaf croissant.

My family have a tradition of placing bets on how high they can hoist my mother’s sister each Christmas at the family get together.

I keep telling them to stop because it will end in disaster but they just keep upping the ante each year.

I can’t touch my aunt or I’ll explode.

She’s made of auntie matter.

Let me tell you how I became a millionaire:

First, I bought one apple for a dollar with my savings.

Then I went out on the street and sold it there for two dollars.

With the two dollars I bought two apples for 1$ each and again sold them for 2 dollars each.

Now I had 4 dollars and was able to buy 4 apples, which, you may have guessed, I sold for 2 dollars each.

Now I had 8 dollars and I bought 8 apples and so on and so on.

A few days later my aunt died and I inherited her assets.

I planted some daffodils on my aunt’s grave.

She never liked them, but …

After a while they started to grow on her.

Who is a penguin’s favourite aunt?

Aunt Arctica.

I really loved my Aunt Endre, so I decided to clone her.

That way I would have double Aunt Endres.

My mom’s sister works in a bakery and is always in a bad mood.

She’s my cross aunt.

Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.

That’s how you get aunts.

My Aunt Jill was an English teacher who taught me so many important lessons like…

“Always use very precise language or you could be misunderstood.”

I remember it vividly because we were at their farm and I was helping my uncle Jack off a horse as she was telling me that.

I asked my aunt, “How much is a couple?”

“2 or 3,” she replied.

Probably explains why her marriage collapsed.

Why is Jon Snow so ticklish?

Aunts in his pants.

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, “My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke. The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket.”

“Very good,” said the teacher.

Next, Mary said, “We are farmers too. We had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got ten chicks. The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before they’re hatched.”

“Very good,” said the teacher again, very pleased with the response so far.

Next it was Barney’s turn to tell his story: “My dad told me this story about my Aunt Karen… Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.”

“Go on,” said the teacher, intrigued.

“Aunt Karen drank the whisky on the way down to prepare herself; then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.”

“Good heavens,” said the horrified teacher, “What did your father say was the moral of that frightening story?”

“Stay away from Aunt Karen when she’s been drinking…”

A man inherited a massive sum of money from his great aunt, but it came with a catch. As part of the terms of the inheritance, he was required to care for her cherished grey parrot. The executor told him if anything should happen to the bird, or if he ever chose not to take care of it, he would have to forfeit the inheritance and estate.

At first, this seemed simple enough, but the animal turned out to be insufferable. It bit whenever he fed it, it pooped on everything, and taunted him constantly. The parrot seemed to have a supernatural sense for which buttons to push to get under his skin.

After one particularly bad day of ceaseless abuse, the man was fed up. He yanked the parrot from its perch, ripped open the freezer, and hurled the creature in, slamming the door behind it.

The parrot’s muffled curses continued, followed by a terrible shriek, then silence. The man grew concerned, fearing his temper had cost the beast its life and him his new fortune.

After a moment, the parrot once again spoke, uttering a meek apology. Shocked and relieved, the man opened the freezer. There stood the parrot, shivering in the cold. He extended his hand, onto which it tenderly climbed. Looking him in the eye, the parrot squawked, “Sir, I apologize for my behavior. Truly, I have not been myself since your aunt died, and I’m afraid I’ve been taking it out on you. Can you find it in your heart to forgive me?”

Stunned at this sudden change in the bird’s demeanor, the man nodded. The parrot sighed in relief and gazed back into the freezer. “If you don’t mind my asking, what did the turkey do?”

My transgender uncle is a superhero.

We call him Aunt-Man.

My aunt always said the slow and steady win the race.

She died in a fire.

Aunt Bessie loved to visit her nieces and nephews. However, she had relatives all over the country.

The problem was that no matter how much she enjoyed seeing them, she hated flying. No matter how safe people told her it was, she was always worried that someone would have a bomb on the plane.

She read books about how safe it was and listened to the stewardess demonstrate all the safety features. But she still worried herself silly every time a visit was coming up.

Finally, the family decided that maybe if she saw the statistics she’d be convinced. So they sent her to a friend of the family who was an actuary.

“Tell me,” she said suspiciously, “What are the chances that someone will have a bomb on a plane?”

The actuary looked through his tables and said, “A very small chance. Maybe one in five hundred thousand.”

She nodded, then thought for a moment. “So what are the odds of two people having a bomb on the same plane?”

Again he went through his tables.

“Extremely remote,” he said. “About one in a billion.”

Aunt Bessie nodded and left his office.

And from that day on, every time she flew, she took a bomb with her.

More Funny Jokes

If you laughed at these funny aunt jokes and puns, take a look around the rest of LaffGaff for lots more really funny jokes such as these: