Divorce Jokes

As they say in Star Wars, divorce is strong with this one as we bring you these funny divorce jokes and puns! Hopefully, the only split will be in your sides from laughing!

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Funny Divorce Jokes And Puns

If I was an astronaut, before every mission I would sit down with my wife and tell her:

“Listen honey, it’s not that I want a divorce, I just think I need some space.”

Then I would put on my helmet and slow walk to the launch pad.

A recent study has revealed that 58% of marriages end in misery.

The other 42% end in divorce.

I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine’s Day and she told me she wanted a divorce.

I told her I wasn’t planning on spending that much.

I divorced my cross-eyed wife.

We didn’t see eye to eye.

I also found out she was seeing someone on the side.

A friend suggested trying a local honey for my allergies.

So I did that.

Now my wife wants a divorce.

How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb?

No one knows. They never get to keep the house.

“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully,” said the divorce court judge, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.”

“That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband. “I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”

When my ex wife and I divorced, I handed her a letter saying, “Good job. Well done.”

I wanted things to end on a positive note.

Jedi’s make lousy spouses.

They always threaten to use divorce.

Disney now owns Star Wars, Marvel, Indiana Jones, Disney World and the Simpsons.

If they acquire my parent’s divorce they will own my entire childhood.

What is the number one cause of divorce in America?


Judge: “On what grounds do you want a divorce?”

Husband: “My wife is out all night, every night! From bar to bar, almost visits all the bars and pubs in town every day!”

Judge: “You mean to say she’s severely alcoholic and cheats on you everyday?”

Husband: “No, She’s out looking for me!”

My ex divorced me because she said I treated her like a maid.

But even the judge agreed that she should keep the house.

My wife told me she’d leave me if I don’t stop making Microsoft puns, and I need some advice

I immediately left my Office and tried explaining myself.

Sure, on the Surface I do it often, but I think it Works.

It’s not just about Word play, either; my Outlook on life helps me Excel.

She and I have such a great Team Foundation, I Azure you.

I wanted to Exchange my thoughts with her, so we could work with OneDrive.

I looked her right in the Windows of her soul, to Access the deepest parts of her heart, and told her I loved her.

Completely on Edge, I awaited her answer…

PowerPoint of the story is: does anyone know of a good divorce lawyer?

My wife divorced me so I took her wheelchair.

Guess who came crawling back?

Kids, your mother and I are getting divorced.

She said she’s leaving me because of my obsession with The Monkees.

I thought she was kidding, but…

Then I saw her face, now I’m a believer.

Is it okay to marry your second cousin?

Sure, as long as you’re legally divorced from the first one.

Why did the divorced dad have a vitamin D deficiency?

He wasn’t getting enough son.

My wife divorced me because I’m a compulsive gambler.

All I can think about is how to win her back!

Divorce lawyer: I’m sorry to say, but all of your husband’s assets are Frozen.

Wife: How?

Lawyer: I’m not sure, but he has 2,000 DVDs of the movie for some reason.

Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing.

He found her to be possessive and she hated his contractions.

The marriage felt like a sentence.

The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order.

I said, “Alphabetically or by age?”

My wife said she’ll divorce me if I keep making puns about birds with long necks.

That’s swan way to go about it.

Why did the wife divorce the baker?

Because he was too kneady.

Get divorced if you’re broke.

You’ll only be half broke after.

At thirteen years old, my parents got divorced.

In hindsight, they shouldn’t have married that young.

My wife and I recently divorced due to my terrible handwriting.

Since then I’ve become an illegible bachelor.

Why don’t horses ever get a divorce?

Because they’re in a stable relationship.

After my divorce, I gave my wife a necklace with my face on it as a parting gift.

I am now independent.

My wife told me she was leaving me because she couldn’t live with me always making stupid Star Wars puns.

I said, “Divorce is strong with this one.”

My wife divorced me because I was bad at directions.

Apparently, I didn’t notice when it all went south.

My wife is furious that I don’t clean the coffee from the machine after I am done with it.

Grounds for divorce.

My wife threatened to divorce me if I didn’t stop making Linkin Park references.

But in the end it doesn’t even matter.

My parents used my Uber to go and file the application ending their marriage.

I gave the driver one star.

He drove my parents to divorce.

Marriage is grand.

Divorce is a hundred grand.

What did one eclair say to the other in divorce court?

“I want full custardy.”

A man and his wife are having an argument.

The wife yells, “Get out of the house, I hate you! I want a divorce, get out now!”

Then, as her husband is walking out the door, she screams, “I hope you die a slow and painful death!”

The husband stops and says, “Hang on a minute, now you want me to stay?”

A Scottish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.”

“Forty-five years of misery is enough”, he continued.

“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like heck they’re getting divorced!”she shouts, “I’ll take care of this!”

She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Sorted! They’re coming for Christmas – and they’re paying their own way.”

Why did I get divorced?

Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn’t wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn’t wish me a happy birthday so I was feeling very down.

But as I entered my office, my secretary said, “Happy birthday, boss!”

I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch so I agreed.

After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, “Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?”

“Okay,” I said.

She came out five minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, and my colleagues all yelling, “SURPRISE!!!” while I was waiting on the sofa…


A woman says to her lawyer “I want to divorce my husband.”

“On what grounds?”

“Grounds? We have two acres at the edge of town with a big lawn and some fruit trees.”

“No, that’s not what I meant. Do you have a grudge?”

“Yes, we have a two car garage but only one car so we use the rest for storage.”

The lawyer, getting exasperated: “Does he beat you up?”

“No, I’m up by 6:30 and sometimes he doesn’t get up until after I’ve left for work.”


“We just can’t seem to communicate.”

A man and his wife are at a restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her gin at a nearby table.

His wife asks, “Do you know her?”

“Yes,” sighs the husband. “She’s my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.”

“My God!” says the wife. “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”

The other day I asked my mom how many ‘a couple’ was.

“Two or three,” she said.

I think I know why she and my dad got divorced now.

Santa and Mrs. Claus decided to break up.

However, finding a divorce lawyer at the North Pole is next to impossible, so instead they got a semicolon.

They’re great at separating independent Clauses.

My wife insisted she is the main breadwinner and I need to treat her like she is the man of the house.

So I divorced her and took the house.

Husband: “I want a divorce, my wife hasn’t spoken to me in six months.”

Lawyer: “Think about it carefully. Wives like that are hard to find.”

I asked my wife what she’d do if I won the lottery.

She said, ”Divorce you and take half.”

I said, ”I won $10, here’s $5 and there’s the door.”

What did Luke say to Han and Leia when they split up?

May divorce be with you.

More Funny Jokes

If you liked these funny divorce jokes and puns, check out the rest of LaffGaff for lots more relationships jokes such as these: