It was inevitable LaffGaff would eventually give birth to these funny pregnancy jokes and puns! We hope they breathe new life into you!
Funny Pregnancy Jokes
What is a pregnant women’s favourite part of a hike?
The water break.
My pregnant wife asked me if I ever worried it would be too hot for the baby inside her…
I said, “Nah, it’s probably womb temperature.”
My pregnant wife hobbled into the hospital with one hand on her back.
A nurse asked her what’s wrong, and my wife screamed, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Didn’t!”
The nurse shook her head and said, “I’m sorry…I don’t understand.”
My wife’s face contorted in pain as she shouted, “Can’t! Won’t! Don’t!”
The nurse, bewildered, turned the doctor.
“Admit her,” the doctor said. “She’s having contractions.”
My wife is a body builder.
Yep, she’s pregnant.
My town’s population never changes.
Every time a girl gets pregnant, a guy leaves town.
My wife is pregnant and my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at a childbirth before.
I replied, “Yes just once.”
The doctor asked, “What was it like?”
I said, “It was dark, then suddenly very bright.”
After trying for a week, my wife just told me that she is pregnant.
She has the worst stutter ever.
A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a deep coma and woke up after about 6 months.
The woman asked the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl. They’re both fine. And, you’re brother named them for you.
Woman: No No No! Not my brother. He’s an idiot! What did he name the girl?
Doctor: Denise.
Woman: Ohh, that’s actually a nice name. What about the boy?
Doctor: deeply sighs Denephew.
My wife’s been pregnant for so long…
It feels like a maternity!
My wife and I just found out she’s pregnant with our first child.
To celebrate, we invited all the family and friends we could to my parents’ house and then made the big announcement.
Everyone was ecstatic and my father in particular was driven to tears.
At a certain point during the night he pulled me aside and led me into his study, which I had never really been inside until this point.
He opened a safe and produced cigars a bottle of whiskey and a large, beautifully bound book.
“I could never have asked for a better son,” my father said, lighting the cigars and pouring the whiskey. “I hope you think I was a good enough father to deserve you.”
“Of course, Dad,” I said, “You were all I could’ve asked for and I wish my son admires me even half as much as I admire you.”
“Now I’ve shared with you nearly everything I know,” he said, “But not this one thing. This is the Big Book of Dad Jokes. There are many like it but this one is special. My father gave it to me when your mother and I first found out she was pregnant with you, and I studied it and studied it, learning all the dad jokes I could and mastering book’s secrets. I hope it serves you as well as it served me in being a father… No… I know it will serve you well. I love you, my son.”
“Dad… I don’t know what to say… I’m honored…”
“Hi Honored, I’m Dad.”
Wife: “I’m pregnant.”
Me: “Hi Pregnant, I’m Dad.”
Wife: “No you’re not.”
My brother’s wife has been pregnant for five months and decided that they wanted to reveal the gender of the baby at our family reunion of about 40 people.
One night, after just finishing up a BBQ, my brother and his wife stand up and announce to the family that they are going to have a little baby girl. Everyone starts cheering, naturally.
Once the cheers die down a little I shout out, “Do you have a name for the baby yet?”
My brother replies, “Yeah. Liana Noelle.”
Everyone starts to “Ooohhh” and “Ahhhh” and proclaim how pretty of a name it is.
Then after a moment I shout, “How the hell are you supposed to spell Liana with no L?”
A boy is shoving candy into his face when his mom yells at him to stop.
“Don’t eat so much candy all at once!”
“Why?” the boy replied.
“If you eat too much candy, you’re stomach will get bigger, and bigger, and it will eventually explode!”
The boy is shocked by this image an immediately stops eating candy.
The next day, the boy and mom go to church together, and the boy sits down next to a very visibly pregnant woman.
The boy looks at her stomach, then up to her face, and says, “I know what you’ve been doing.”
I asked my wife if she wanted to get pregnant.
She said “Are you kidding me?!”
I said, “Hopefully.”
If a pregnant woman goes swimming…
Does that make her a human submarine?
Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?
Doctor : Let me tell you a story: “There was once a hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his umbrella instead of his gun and went out. A lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the lion, the hunter used the umbrella like a gun, and shot the lion, then it died!”
Guy : Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the lion!
Doctor : Good! You understood the story. Next patient please.
Wife: is pregnant
Me: I want to name our son James.
Wife: Why?
Me: No reason.
9 months later:
Wife: My water broke.
Me: Let the James begin.
A wife finds out she’s pregnant and wants to surprise her husband with the news…
“Honey, I’m pregnant!”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah.”
Pregnant wife: What should we call it if it’s a girl?
Me: Herbert
Pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
Me: Himbert.
A pregnant woman boards a bus.
After taking a seat, she notices a man smiling at her.
She feels self-conscious and changes her seat, but he seems even more amused.
She moves a third time, and he starts to giggle.
On her fourth move, he bursts out laughing.
They both get off the bus at the next stop.
The pregnant woman is furious and demands an explanation. “What exactly is so damn funny?”
“I’m sorry, ma’am,” replies the giggling man. “But I couldn’t help noticing you’re pregnant, and when you first sat down, you sat under an advertisement which read ‘Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins.’ Then you sat under an ad that read ‘Sloan’s Liniments Remove Swelling.’ Then you moved under a deodorant advertisement which read ‘William’s Stick Did the Trick.’ And I just couldn’t hold it in any longer when you moved a fourth time and sat under a tire advertisement which read ‘Dunlop Rubber Would Have Prevented This Accident.'”
Doctor: Well, it looks like you’re pregnant.
Woman: Oh my God, I’m pregnant?!
Doctor: No, it just looks like you are.
My pizza is burnt, my beer is frozen and my girlfriend is pregnant…
I can’t pull anything out in time!
What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
You can unscrew a light bulb.
I got a vasectomy so my wife wouldn’t get pregnant.
But apparently all it does is change the color of the baby.
I asked my pregnant librarian when her baby was due.
She said, “Oh the baby is mine, I get to keep it.”
My wife is pregnant with a boy and I want to call him Lance.
My wife said its such an uncommon name.
So i told her back in medievil days people were called Lance a lot.
Ever since my girlfriend got pregnant, a lot has changed…
Like my name, phone number, address, etc.
More Funny Jokes
If you enjoyed our funny jokes about pregnancy, be sure to check out the rest of LaffGaff where we have lots more hilarious jokes, including these:
