Grandpa Jokes

Grandfathers are great role models for their grandsons, and everyone loves grandpa don’t they? But just as grandpas like to tell jokes, we in turn like to tell funny grandpa jokes! So here’s a great collection for you to enjoy.

Header image for a page of funny grandpa jokes and puns.

Grandpa Jokes

This morning, my Grandpa walked into my room with a young bearded guy wearing skinny jeans.

I said, “Who is this guy?”

My Grandpa said, “My hip replacement.”

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60.

Now he’s 97 years old and we have no idea where the heck he is.

Today is the last time I will see my 80 year old grandpa.

Because tomorrow he turns 81!

My granddad asked me how to print on his computer.

I told him it’s Ctrl-P.

He said he hasn’t been able to do that for ages.

I’ll never forget my granddad’s last words to me just before he died.

“Are you still holding the ladder?”

My grandpa always used to say to me, “Fight fire with fire.”

It’s no wonder he got sacked from the fire service.

My granddad has the heart of a lion…

And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

My grandpa’s so cheap, when he dies, he’ll probably walk towards the light – and turn it off.

My granddad said to me, “Your life revolves too much around technology these days.”

I said, “No, your’s does.”

Then I unplugged his life support.

My granddad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed.

“It’s worth spending money on good speakers,” he told me.

My granddad always used to say to me that the best part of fighting is the make-up sex.

Which probably explains his short-lived career as a boxer.

My granddad fought in the war and survived mustard gas and pepper spray.

He’s now classed as a seasoned veteran.

My grandfather’s last wish was that we convert his ashes into a diamond.

That’s a lot of pressure.

The last thing my grandfather said before he died was “Pints, Liters, Gallons!”

That spoke volumes.

My grandfather was a baker in the army.

He went in all buns glazing.

My grandfather is 85 and he still doesn’t need glasses.

He drinks straight from the bottle.

My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink.

No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out the movie theater.

“Back in the day,” my grandfather started to say, “You could walk into a grocery store with $2 in your pocket, and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs, and a bit of butter as well.”

“But today,” he continued, “Wherever you go, there are cameras.”

My grandfather is always saying that in the old days people could leave their back doors open…

Which is probably why his submarine sank.

Grandpa died because we couldn’t figure out his blood type.

At least he told us to be positive.

I want to die like my grandpa did, in his sleep.

Not screaming like the people in the back seat of his car.

I’ll never forget the last words my grandpa said to me before he kicked the bucket.

He said, “Son, how far do you think I can kick this bucket.”

My grandpa always said, “Always try to be the fish going against the current.”

Good man. Got electrocuted every day though.

What do you call a dad joke when it gets old?

A grandpa joke.

My grandpa destroyed 12 German planes during WW2.

He was, without a doubt, the worst mechanic in the history of Luftwaffe.

My grandpa told me when he was small the alphabet only had 25 letters.

Nobody knew Y.

When my grandpa died he farted and we thought he was still alive.

Turns out, he just let one R.I.P.

A six-year-old goes to the hospital with her mother to visit her Grandpa.

When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her mother and bursts into her Grandpa’s room. “Grandpa, Grandpa,” she says excitedly, “as soon as my mother comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!”

“What?” said her Grandpa.

“Make a noise like a frog because my mom said that as soon as you croak, we’re all going to Disney World!”

My grandpa would always says, “When one door closes, another opens.”

He was a good man, but a lousy cabinet maker.

Me: Dad, what does it feel like having an awesome son?

Dad: I don’t know ask your grandpa.

A little boy gets $5 for his birthday. He runs with it to the candy store and asks for $5 worth of candy.

The man behind the counter asks, “Do you really think it’s wise to spend all your birthday money on candy?”

The little boy thinks about it for a moment and replies, “Well, my grandpa did live to be 94…”

“By eating candy everyday?” Asks the man, astounded.

“No,” replies the little boy, “by minding his own goddamn business.”

An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside and says, “Guido, I wan’ you lissina me. I wan’ you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me.”

“But grandpa, I really don’t like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?”

“You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, ‘times up’?”

My grandpa went to Vietnam and he shot and killed dozens of North Vietnamese single-handedly.

We are going on vacation somewhere else next year.

A little girl was sitting on her granddad’s lap while he read her a story.

She kept taking her eyes of the book and reaching up and touching his old, wrinkled face.

After a few times doing this, she finally asked, “Grandpa, were you made by God?”

“Yes, dear,” he replied. “I was made by God a long time ago.”

The little girl paused for a moment and then asked, “And did God make me?”

“Of course, dear.” replied her grandfather. “God made you not long ago.”

The girl felt her own face and then her granddad’s again, thought for a moment and then said, “God’s getting better at it, isn’t he?”

More Funny Jokes

If you enjoyed our funny grandpa jokes, be sure to check out the rest of LaffGaff for lots more funny jokes such as these:

Leave a Comment