A little bit of careful husbandry has allowed us to marry your tastes to our jokes and so cultivate and bring these funny husband jokes and puns to fruition for you!
Funny Husband Jokes And Puns
I rang the doctor and said, “Quick! My pregnant wife’s going into labor, what should I do?”
He said, “Is this her first child?”
I said, “No, this is her husband.”
This woman’s husband had been ill in hospital for several months. He kept slipping in and out of a coma but she remained faithfully by his bedside every single day.
Then one day, when he woke from his coma, he motioned for her to come nearer to him.
As she moved closer and sat beside him, with eyes filling with tears he whispered into her ear, “You know what? You’ve been with me through all the tough times. When I got fired from my job, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there for me. When I got shot, you were by my side all the time. When we lost the house, you stayed right here with me. And even when my health started failing, you were still by my side… You know what?”
“What dear,” she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth, her eyes welling with tears.
He said, “I think you’re bad luck…”
My deaf husband has run away with my deaf friend.
It was a terrible shock but really, I should’ve seen the signs.
A wife came home and finds her husband sitting in front of a game of chess with a raw egg propped up on the other side.
She asks, “What are you doing?”
He responds, “Well this pancake recipe says I need one beaten egg.”
“So you decided to play it in a chess game?”
“Well yeah, but the darn egg keeps winning!”
A police officer radioed to headquarters: “Chief we’ve got a situation here. A woman just shot her husband for walking on a freshly mopped floor.”
Chief: “Did you arrest her?”
Officer: “Not yet. The floor’s still wet.”
A woman is preparing a dinner for her parents and sends her husband out to buy some fresh snails.
The husband buys the snails then pops into the pub for a quick drink.
One thing leads to another and he stays for a few rounds, so many in fact, that by the time he leaves it’s nine in the evening.
Realizing he’s extremely late the husband runs home, pours the snails over the path leading to his house, then he rings the bell.
His furious wife opens the door. ‘Where the hell have you been?’ she screams.
The husband waves back to the snails, “Come on, lads!” he shouts. “We’re nearly there!”
A man and his wife are having an argument.
The wife yells, “Get out of the house, I hate you! I want a divorce, get out now!”
Then, as her husband is walking out the door, she screams, “I hope you die a slow and painful death!”
The husband stops and says, “Hang on a minute, now you want me to stay?”
I told my husband I hate my haircut.
He replied, “Don’t worry, it’ll grow on you.”
“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully,” said the divorce court judge, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband. “I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”
I was making love to my friend’s wife the other evening when her phone rang. I freaked out and hurriedly started getting dressed because I could hear it was her husband.
She hung up and told me not to panic – he told her he was going to be late home because he was out drinking with me.
Ever since I needed a wheelchair, my husband has been so rude.
He’s been pushing me around and talking behind my back.
A woman wanted to know how her husband would react if she left him.
She wrote him a letter saying she is tired of him and didn’t want to live with him anymore. She put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home.
When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it. After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter.
Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He grabbed his phone and dialed a number.
His wife listened from under the bed as he started chatting to someone. “Hey babe, I’m just changing clothes and then I will join you” he said. “As for the other fool, it finally dawned on her that I was fooling around on her and she left. I was really wrong to have married her; I wish you and me had met earlier. See you soon, honey!” Then he hung up and walked out of the room.
Heartbroken she climbed out from under the bed and stumbled over to read what her unfaithful husband had written on the end of her letter.
Through teary eyes, she read: “I could see your feet you idiot, I am going out to buy bread”.
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his collection of guitars. The judge asked “First offender?”
She replied, “No, first a Gibson. Then a Fender.”
A wife finds out she’s pregnant and wants to surprise her husband with the news, “Honey, I’m pregnant!”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah.”
A romantic wife sent a text to her husband one day. It read, “If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, sent me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!”
The husband, a typically non-romantic man, replied, “I am on the toilet. Please advise…”
Husband: Honey, why are there broken condoms on the couch?
Wife: Would you please call our children by their real names.
Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex any more.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman’s husband.
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o’clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door, where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
“Not a chance!” says the husband. “It’s three o’clock in the morning!”
He slams the door and returns to bed.
“Who was that?” asked his wife.
“Just some drunk guy asking for a push.” he answers.
“Did you help him?” she asks.
“No, I did not! It’s three in the morning and it’s pouring out!”
“Well, you have a short memory.” says his wife. “Can’t you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him and you should be ashamed of yourself!”
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, “Hello, are you still there?”
“Yes,” comes back the answer.
“Do you still need a push?” calls out the husband.
“Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark.
“Where are you?” asks the husband.
“Over here, on the swing.”
A wife says to her husband, “How would you describe me?”
Her husband replies, “ABCDEFGHIJK.”
The wife asks, “What does that mean?”
The husband says, “Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot.”
The wife is pleased, “Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?”
The husband says, “I’m just kidding!”
There is a husband and a wife that, over their marriage, have eight kids.
One day the husband notices that their sixth kid, Billy, looks very different from the other seven.
The husband goes to his wife and asks her, “Honey, I noticed that Billy looks different from the other children, did you have an affair?”
The wife starts to break down into tears and nods her head.
The husband, heartbroken, quietly asks his wife, “So who is Billy’s father?”
More Funny Jokes
If you enjoyed these funny husband jokes and puns, you’ll also like the rest of LaffGaff where we have lots more funny jokes such as these: