Uncle Jokes

Just in case it’s uncle-ear, these are the best uncle jokes and puns you’ll find! Only the most hilarious examples are included; there are no monstrous carb-uncles of jokeshere!

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Funny Uncle Jokes And Puns

My dad was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.

I have an uncle, once removed.

Why was the baby ant confused?

Because all his uncles were ants.

About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard.

After that, he went downhill fast.

My uncle always used to say to me, “When one door closes, another opens.”

He was a decent philosopher, but a lousy cabinet maker.

I gave my late uncle’s widow a watch for her birthday.

Now she’s just my uncle’s widow.

My uncle was crushed by a piano.

His funeral was very low key.

My Mexican uncle takes anti-anxiety medication.

It’s for Hispanic attacks.

My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex.

They are his watch dogs.

My uncle once had a 24-hour epileptic episode.

Now that’s what I call seizing the day.

There’s a variant of the dad joke which is called the uncle joke.

The punchline might not be apparent but at least it’s all groan up.

My great uncle died making butter on his farm last week.

It was a really unfortunate churn of events.

My uncle always refused to obey his controlling wife.

He was defy-aunt.

What did King Kong say when his sister had a baby?

“Well, I’ll be a monkey’s uncle.”

A little girl says to her mother, “Mummy, when you were away at work a strange lady came around”

“Not now,” says Mummy. “Wait until Daddy gets home.”

So they wait until Daddy gets home, and then Mummy says “Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?”

And Daddy starts to say something but Mummy says, “You keep quiet – I’ll be talking to my attorney in the morning. Carry on, dear.”

“Well,” says the little girl, “Daddy told me to stay downstairs while they went upstairs, but I followed them without Daddy seeing me, and I saw them hugging and kissing at the top of the stairs. Then they went into your bedroom and shut the door, but I went up and looked through the keyhole.”

“Clever girl,” purrs Mummy. “What could you see through the keyhole?”

“I saw them hugging and kissing some more, and then they started to take each other’s clothes off, and they carried on until they had nothing on, and then the lady got on the bed and Daddy got on top of her.”

“Yes?” says Mummy. “And then what happened?”

“Then they did what you and Uncle Jack did when Daddy was in Vancouver last year,” says the little girl confidently.

Each winter my uncle has his chimney inspected and cleaned.

He does this to prepare his home for the ‘flue’ season.

One day a man hears that a distant uncle passed away. He’s a little sad, but only a little, for they barely knew each other.

Then, a few days later, a package arrives. It contains his inheritance from the estate: A violin and a painting.

He has no idea what to do with them. After pondering the matter, he takes them to an appraiser.

Not too long later the appraiser calls him: “I’ve finished my analysis, and I’ve got some good news. There’s no doubt at all that what you have is a genuine Van Gogh and a genuine Stradivarius.”

The man is ecstatic: “I can sell these for millions!”

The appraiser says “Well, you can sell them, and they’ll fetch some money for their novelty value. But not millions. You see, the truth is, Stradivarius wasn’t much of a painter and Van Gogh made lousy violins.”

I told my teenage niece to go get me a phone book.

She laughed at me, and said, “Oh uncle you’re so old. Just use my phone.”

So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill a spider.

I just read somewhere that capitalization is the difference between “I helped my uncle Jack off a horse” and “i helped my uncle jack off a horse”.

Well that’s embarrassing.

Now everyone thinks my uncle’s name is Jack.

What is the one thing Spiderman can’t eat?

Uncle Ben’s rice.

It’s Saturday morning and Bill isjust about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So John heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.

“Hello?” says a little girl’s voice.

“Hi, honey, it’s Daddy,” says John. “Is Mommy near the phone?”

“No, Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Fred.”

After a brief pause, John says, “But you haven’t got an Uncle Fred, honey!”

“Yes, I do, and he’s upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!”

“Okay, then. Here’s what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Fred that my car’s just pulled up outside the house.”

“Okay, Daddy!” A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. “Well, I did what you said, Daddy.”

“And what happened?”

“Well, Mommy jumped out of bed and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she’s all dead.”

“Oh, my God! What about Uncle Fred?”

“He jumped out of bed too, and he was all scared, and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he’s dead too.”

There is a long pause.

“Swimming pool? Is this 555-3097?”

Am I mentioned in the will?” the nephew asked anxiously.

“You certainly are,” replied the lawyer. “Right here in the third paragraph your uncle says: To my niece Sarah I bequeath a hundred thousand dollars, to my cousin Janice fifty thousand dollars, and to my nephew Charles, who was always curious to know if he was mentioned in my will, I say ‘Hi, Charles’.”

My uncle runs a clinic inside a hotel in Spain.

He come out late at night to ring people’s doorbells.

Because nobody suspects The Spanish Inn Physician.

More Funny Jokes

If you liked these funny uncle jokes and puns, be sure to take a look around the rest of LaffGaff for lots more funny jokes such as these: