Mother-in-law Jokes

Poor mothers-in-law come in for a lot of stick so we’d thought we’d join in and bring you the best funny mother-in-law jokes and puns! Dear mother-in-law, we’re only joking – we love you really!

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Funny Mother-in-law Jokes And Puns

As I was picking up my mother in law from the airport, I asked her, “So, how long do you think you’ll be staying with us?”

She answered, “Well… for as long as you like.”

“Not even for coffee??”

A man went to the hospital to visit his mother-in-law, who was in serious condition. On the way back his wife rang him, very worried, to ask, “So, honey? How’s my mom doing?”

He replies, “She looks great! She is in good health! She will still live for many years! Next week she will be released from the hospital and will come and live with us, forever!”

“Wow that’s amazing,” says the wife, “But this is very strange, dear. Yesterday she seemed to be on her deathbed, the doctors said she should have a few days to live!”

“Well, I don’t know how she was yesterday,” he replied, “But today when I arrived at the hospital, the doctor told me that we should prepare for the worst.”

My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives.

I replied, “No, I don’t hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.”

I picked up my newborn daughter to stop her crying.

My mother-in-law commented, “Wow, she really settled for you quickly!”

“Just like her mother.”

My wife’s mother is a lawyer.

I have a mother-in-law.

Ever since it started raining my mother-in-law has been standing and looking sadly through the window.

If it gets ever heavier I may have to let her in.

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.

The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied, “Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”

It was very difficult to switch off my mother-in-law’s life support system.

I had to fight my wife and two doctors to do it.

I took my dog, my social media addict daughter and my mother-in-law in the car yesterday.

I can’t afford a car stereo but I still have a woofer, a tweeter and a loud-speaker.

The police have just released my mother-in-law after questioning her about the murder of her husband.

They only spoke to her for two minutes before coming to the conclusion he committed suicide.

We let my mother-in-law come down to visit us every Christmas.

Well she can’t stay on the roof all year.

A wife calls her mother in-law and asks her, “If your baby puked and pooped, who should it clean it up?”

The mother in-law yells, “The mother of course!”

The wife says, “Then come clean up your drunk son!”

Anagram of mother-in-law:

Woman Hitler.

Took my mother-in-law out last night.

Loving my new sniper rifle.

I was walking down the street with my wife when we saw six guys beating up my mother-in-law.

My wife yelled, “Hey, aren’t you going to help?”

I said, “No, six should be enough.”

“Oh, I didn’t expect you at work today Mr. Jones, isn’t it your mother-in-law’s funeral today?”

“Well you know how it is. Work first, then fun.”

If your mother-in-law and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose…

Would you go to lunch or a movie?

“Diana!” I said, greeting my mother-in-law as she walked through the door.

She replied, “My name is Anna!”

I said, “Yes. Yes I know.”

My mother in law bought a talking parrot, but returned it a week later.

“This parrot hasn’t spoke a single word.” She complained.

“I haven’t had a chance to!” Replied the parrot.

What’s the penalty for bigamy?

Two mothers-in-law.

I bought my mother-in-law a chair for her birthday.

But my wife wouldn’t let me plug it in.

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son’s house.

She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.

She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.

Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

“What are you doing?!” she asked.

“I’m waiting for Mike to come home from work,” the daughter-in- law answered.

“But you’re naked!” the mother-in-law exclaimed.

“This is my love dress,” the daughter-in-law explained.

“Love dress? But you’re naked!”

“Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress,” she explained. “It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can’t get enough of me”.

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

“What are you doing?” he asked.

“This is my love dress,” she whispered sensually.

“Needs ironing…”

My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well.

I was amazed.

I never knew they worked.

I saw my mother-in-law tying herself to the train tracks.

I couldn’t believe what I was witnessing.

I looked at her, my eyes widened, and said, “Don’t do it!”

“Why the hell not?!” she yelled.

I said, “They aren’t running today.”

I’ve been searching for three years for my mother-in-law’s killer.

But I still can’t find anyone to do it.

A woman sent two ties to her son in law.

Some weeks later, she invited him and her daughter over for dinner and in an attempt to impress his mother-in-law, the son-in-law wore one of the ties she’d sent him.

The meal was extremely tense and uncomfortable with the mother-in-law maintaining a stony silence throughout it.

Finally she spoke, “Alright then, what was wrong with the other tie?”

A man goes on vacation to Israel with his wife and his mother-in-law but while they were there, his mother-in-law died at the hotel.

The people there told him, “Sir, if you want to bury her back in the United States, it’s going to cost you $5,000 to take back her corpse. But since she died at the hotel, we can do the funeral here in Israel for free.”

The man immediately refused and said he would pay the $5,000 fee to do the funeral back home.

When in the USA, his wife came up to him and said, “I really love what you just did for my mom. That proves me that you actually loved my mother and you respected her.”

The man replied, “Are you crazy?! Those Israelis are the same people who buried Jesus and three days later he came back to life. I’m not about to take that risk with your mother!”

What do you call mixed emotions?

Watching your mother-in-law reverse off a cliff in your brand new car.

Three sisters each get married in a short space of time.

The men’s now mother in-law decides to test all of them.

She decides to take each of them on a walk separately.

The mother in-law takes the first guy on a walk.

She “accidentally” falls into a deep pond. The man doesn’t hesitate, he jumps in and saves her.

The next day, the man gets a phone notification that he received 500 dollars with the description: “Thanks for all you did for me – your mother in-law, Sarah.”

She then tests the second guy and again, “accidentally” falls into the same pond. He doesn’t hesitate either, and jumps in to save her.

The next day, he too gets a notification on his phone that he received 500 dollars, also with the description: “Thanks for all you did for me – your mother in-law, Sarah.”

She then tests the third guy and again “accidentally” falls into the pond. The guy looks around if anyone can see, decides that no one is watching, and walks away.

The next day, he gets a phone notification that he received 500 dollars as well with the description: “Thanks for all you did for me – your father in-law, James.”

A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso, when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.

Behind the second hearse, was a solitary Italian man, walking a dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking in single file.

The Jewish man couldn’t stand the curiosity.

He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said, “I am so sorry for your loss and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I’ve never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral, is it?”

“My wife’s.”

”What happened to her?”

“She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her.”

He inquired further, “But who is in the second hearse?”

“My mother-in-law. She came to help my wife and the dog turned on her and killed her also.”

It was a very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood.

Silence passed between the two men.

The Jewish man then asked, “Can I borrow the dog?”

The Italian man replied, “Get in line.”

Years ago, my Mother-in-law began reading, “The Exorcist”.

She said it was the most evil book she ever read. So evil in fact, she couldn’t finish it, took it to the ocean and threw it off the pier.

I went out, bought another copy, ran it under the faucet, and left it beside her bed.

My mother-in-law fell down our well last week but she is fine.

She stopped crying for help two days ago.

Two men are sitting in a pub when one turns to the other and says, “My mother-in-law is a saint.”

To which the other man replies, “You’re so lucky! Mine’s still alive.”

I discovered my mother-in-law has weekly sessions with Lucifer himself on how to be even more vicious.

I’ve no idea what kind of fees she’s charging him.

Last night a police officer knocked on my door and said, “Sir, it looks like your mother-in-law has been hit by a bus”

I replied, “I know, but she has a great personality.”

More Funny Jokes

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