Lawyer Lunch
Where do lawyers meet for lunch?
At the food court.
Lawyer Jokes
These funny lawyer jokes and puns are so hilarious they should be illegal! But what’re you gonna do – sue us?
Long Sentence
My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole!!
Man, that sentence was way too long!
Lawyer In Heaven
A lawyer dies, and somehow manages to go to heaven.
When he gets there, he’s greeted by St. Peter himself.
The lawyer says, “What happened? I wasn’t in an accident and I’m too young to die. I’m only 52!”
St. Peter says, “Nope, by our records, you are 84, and that’s a pretty good life.”
The lawyer yells, “84! How did you figure that?”
St. Peter responds, “We added up your client billing time sheets.”
Favorite Drink
What’s a lawyer’s favorite drink?
Subpoena colada.
Ikea Lawyers
I heard you can get lawyers at Ikea now.
They’re very affordable, but you have to build your own case.
Lawyer Entitlement
A man in an interrogation room says, “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.”
One of the cops replies, “You are the lawyer.”
The lawyer says, “Exactly, so where’s my present?”
No Lawyers
Genie: I shall grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish for a world without lawyers.
Genie: Done, you have no more wishes.
Me: But you said 3.
Genie: Sue me.
Work Attire
What do lawyers wear to work?
A lawsuit.
Law Student
What do a law student and a recovering alcoholic have in common?
They both have to pass the bar.
Priest Becomes Lawyer
What do you call a priest who becomes a lawyer?
A father in law.
Will Mention
“Am I mentioned in the will?” asked the nephew nervously.
“You sure are,” replied the lawyer. “It says right here… To my niece Susan I bequeath one hundred and fifty thousand dollars, to my cousin Alice seventy five thousand dollars, and to my nephew Paul who was always asking if he was mentioned in the will, I say, ‘Hi Paul’.”
Software Trial
The creator of WinRAR was arrested and put on trial.
The trial was supposed to last 40 days, but it keeps on going.
Lawyer And Doctor
A doctor is at a party where he gets to talking to a lawyer friend. He tells the lawyer how sick he is of his friends always asking him for free medical advice.
The lawyer says, “Just do what I do, and leave a bill in their mailbox.”
The doctor says he’ll give this a try and thanks his lawyer friend.
When the doctor gets home, he finds a bill in the mailbox from his lawyer.
Not A Lawyer
A cop arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car has smashed into a tree. He rushes over to the car and asks the driver, “Are you badly hurt?”
“How do I know?” the driver replies. “I’m not a lawyer.”
My Neighbor Owes Me
A man visited his lawyer and said to him, “My neighbor owes me $500 and he won’t pay up. What should I do?”
“Do you have any proof he owes you the money?” asked the lawyer.
“No,” said the man.
The lawyer said, “OK, then here’s what you should do. Send him a letter asking him for the $1,000 he owes you.”
“But it’s only $500,’ replied the man.
“Exactly! That’s what he’ll reply and then you’ll have your proof!”
A Really Cold Day
It was so cold today…
I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
