Women Jokes And Puns

Women can be just as hilarious as men in every way, as shown by these funny women jokes and puns!

Funny Women Jokes

Why do women have a difficult time working for the postal service? It’s mail-dominated.

The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some weed with her. I said no. I can’t deal with high maintenance women.

Two women were sharing the same ID card. Sharon is Karen.

After my wife died I couldn’t look at women for 20 years. But when I got out of prison, it was totally worth it.

Women are like grenades. Remove the ring and your house is gone.

A Roman soldier is bragging to his friend: “You’ll never guess how many women I’ve slept with!” His friend says, “Mmm?” The soldier replies, “Not that many!”

Women should not have children after 36. Really, 36 children are enough.

I like my women like I like my slaves. Educated and free.

I know 2 attractive women who pose in ads for a local bakery. They’re great roll models.

I like my women like I like my coffee. I’ve never had coffee but it smells really nice.

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 96% of their body. But the men are so polite, they only look at the covered parts.

Why do they say “amen” instead of “women” at the end of the songs in church? Because they’re hymns not “hers”.

Women’s underwear may not be the best thing, but it’s next to the best thing.

Why are men statistically more likely to drown than women? Because women are boyn’t.

My girlfriend told me women are better at multitasking than men. So I told her to sit down and shut up. Guess what … She couldn’t do either!

Women mature much quicker than men. I didn’t have breasts until I was 40.

My hot flight attendant asked how I like my coffee. Trying to sound cool, I told her I like my coffee like I like my women. And that’s when she told me, “That’s cute honey, but the coffee’s free. You don’t have to pay for it here!”

If a woman is beautiful, tell her she’s smart. If a woman is smart tell her she’s beautiful. If she’s neither tell her she lost weight.

Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster? So we can think about a solution in silence.

I’ve noticed lately that women prefer men at least 6 feet… away.

Did you hear about Five Guys restaurants not serving women anymore? Apparently they fired one guy, so now it’s Four Guys only.

My boss said, “Why are all the women in your office crying?” I said, “You told me to bang some heads together.” He said, “Talk about taking things too literally!” So I went ahead and gave a two hour lecture on taking things too literally.

To the women who say “Men are only interested in one thing” … Have you ever considered being more interesting?

My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women, I think she is overreacting. She asked why I broke up with the last girl and I said, “It didn’t work out.” She told me to be more specific so I said, “I just told you, she didn’t exercise.”

The women I meet in bars have the WORST pickup lines. They’re like, “Hey, what’s your friend’s name?” Never works on me ladies.

I’m always amazed by the lengths women will go to to make me jealous. I dated this one woman for a while several years ago. She’s married now and has 3 kids. She needs to get on with her life.

What do you call a massage therapist who believes men are inherently better than women? A massaginist.

4 tips for guys for successful relationships: 1. It’s really important to find a woman that you love and who loves you the same. 2. It’s really important to find a woman that you find physically attractive and that she feels the same about you. 3. It’s really important to find a woman who will care for you and that you will care for her, in sickness and in health. 4. It’s absolutely vital that these three women do not know each other.

If men call short women petite, what do women call short men? Friends.

The Church of England has finally approved of female bishops. Now British women are finally free to move diagonally.

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer … Than the men who mention it.

The wage gap isn’t real. Men simply focus on getting the higher paying jobs like scientist, doctor, engineer. Meanwhile, women tend to go towards the lower paying jobs, like female scientist, female doctor and female engineer.

Why do women with nieces and nephews have great immune systems? Because of their Auntie-bodies.

Why are women so bad at parking? Because they’ve been lied to about what 8 inches look like their whole lives.

It’s easy to prevent women from eating tide pods. But it’s harder to deter gents.

Surveys show that 80% of women who wear yoga pants never do yoga. And 100% of men don’t care.

A lot of women are turning into good drivers. So, if you’re a good driver, watch out for turning women!

A boy was feeling very nervous about his first date, so went to his father for advice. “My son, there are three subjects that always work with women: food, family, and philosophy.” The boy picks up his date and they stare at each other for a long time. The boy’s nervousness builds, but he then asks, “Do you like potato pancakes?” “No,” comes the answer, and the silence returns like a suffocating blanket. “Do you have a brother?” “No.” After giving it some thought, the boy plays his last card: “If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?”

If I had a dollar for every woman that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

Why do women have cleaner minds than men? Because they change theirs more often.

Why are married women heavier than single women? Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.

Why do Texas women make sandwiches with their left hands? Because they have no rights.

I was shopping with my wife and I couldn’t find her, but then I saw two beautiful women. I asked them, “I have lost my wife, can I talk to you?” They asked, “Why?” I said, “You’ll see in 20 seconds.”

Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.

I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred. Their number one answer was, “HOW DID YOU GET IN HERE?!”

A waiter walks up to a table full of Jewish women dining, and says, “Ladies, is anything ok?”

Women really know how to hold a grudge over the smallest things. My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm, and by mistake, I gave her a tube of Super Glue. It’s been a month now and she’s still not speaking to me.

Why are Ukrainian women the best women to date? No matter how many times you come over, they keep Putin out.

What does every women in the world want? Nothing, they’re fine.

I keep seeing the quote on women’s Tinder profiles, “If I was meant to be controlled I would have come with a remote.” Jokes on them, I’ve been turning women off for years without a remote.

“Siri, why am I so bad at relationships with women?” “This is Alexa.”

Most serial killers are men. That’s because women like to kill one man slowly over many many years.

What hospital extension do you call for women going into labor? Dial 8.

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Jokes About Women

If you enjoyed these puns and jokes about women, be sure to take a look at the rest of LaffGaff for lots more hilarious jokes, such as these:

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