Valentine’s Day may (luckily) only happen once a year, but these Valentine’s Day jokes and one liners are always funny, every day of the year!
So whether you’re single, in a relationship or married we hope you enjoy this collection of funny Valentine’s Day jokes that take a humorous view of the day.
This Valentine’s Day I expect to be inundated.
Sorry… I meant in, undated.
I asked my friend if he’d bought his wife a gift for Valentine’s Day.
He’s a bit of a chauvinist pig so he surprised me when he replied, “Yeah, I’ve got her a belt and a bag.”
I said, “That’s very thoughtful of you. I hope she appreciates it.”
He said, “So do I. And hopefully the vacuum cleaner will work much better now.”
What is the difference between a calendar and you?
A calendar has a date on Valentine’s day.
Yesterday morning, my wife woke up with a start.
When I asked her what the matter was, she said, “I just had a dream you gave me a diamond ring and diamond earrings for Valentine’s day. What do you think it means?”
I winked and said, “You’ll know tonight.”
In the evening, I came home with a small package and gave it to my wife.
She was delighted and opened it excitedly.
In it was a book called “The meaning of dreams”.
My wife just sent me a text saying, “I’ve just got you the best Valentine’s Day present ever! xox”
I really hope she mispelt “Xbox”.
What do farmers give their wives on Valentine’s Day?
Hogs and kisses.
My wife rang me at work on Valentine’s Day.
She said, “Three of the girls in the office have just received bunches of flowers. They’re absolutely gorgeous.”
I said, “That’s probably why they’ve been sent flowers then.”
What do single people call Valentine’s Day?
Happy Independence Day.
My girlfriend just texted me and thanked me for “the most memorable Valentine’s Day ever”.
I can’t help thinking she’s underestimating Al Capone’s effort.
My wife told me she doesn’t want much this Valentine’s Day.
She said, “Just some chocolates and a few little surprises will be fine.”
Kinder Eggs it is then.
What do you call a very small Valentine?
It’s always exciting to get a Valentine’s Day card pushed through your door, with no stamp on it – just your name on the envelope.
Except when you’re in prison…
Yet again, this Valentine’s Day I’ll be in my house all alone, watching a film on TV and eating a takeaway.
I really can’t see a downside.
Last Valentine’s Day, my fiancee of four years bought me a lottery ticket and I won $5 million.
I wonder what’s she doing nowadays?
My wife just called me lazy and said I’d better have something planned for Valentine’s Day.
I said, “Yes, I was thinking of taking the Christmas decorations down.”
For the last twenty years, I’ve received a Valentine’s Day card from the same secret admirer.
So I was upset when I didn’t get one this year.
First my gran dies, now this?
I’ve just booked a table for me and my girlfriend on Valentine’s Day.
I hope she knows how to play snooker.
My girlfriend told me she hoped I had something special planned for Valentine’s Day.
I said, “I’m working on it.” and she smiled.
Which was weird; I thought she’d be upset that I’m having to work on Valentine’s Day.
I gave blood today.
It may not be the best Valentine’s Day present but at least it came from the heart.
What do squirrels give for Valentine’s Day?
This year I’ve got my wife a Valentine’s Day present that will really take her breath away.
I got my wife a new iron for Valentine’s Day.
She was so overcome with emotion that she ran out of the house crying.
I think she must be still out telling her friends how wonderful I am, because she’s not come back yet.
For Valentine’s Day I made a chart of past relationships.
It has an ex-axis and a why-axis.
My Valentine is like the square root of -100.
A 10, but imaginary.
My wife told me “For Valentine’s Day, nothing would make me happier than a diamond necklace”.
So I got her nothing.
A guy walked into a post office just before Valentine’s Day and he couldn’t help noticing a middle-aged, balding man standing in a corner sticking “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.
Then the man got out a bottle of Chanel perfume from his pocket and started spraying scent over the envelopes.
By now the guy’s curiosity had got the better of him, and so he asked the man why he was sending all those cards.
The man replied, “I’m sending out 500 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?'”
“But why?” asked the guy.
“I’m a divorce lawyer,” the man replied.
My wife asked me for a divorce for Valentine’s Day.
I told her I wasn’t planning on spending that much.
I used to open so many cards on Valentine’s Day.
Eventually the post office fired me for it.
I already got a date this Valentine’s Day.
Her name is Emma.
I bought my girlfriend a fridge for Valentine’s Day.
A bit of an unconventional present, I know.
But you should have seen her face light up when she opened it.
I bought my wife a new puppy for Valentine’s Day.
She’s such a beautiful dog!
Unfortunately, I forgot my wife is allergic to dogs so I have to find her a new home. Can anybody help me out?
She’s 5’5″, 125 lbs, and blonde. Free to good home.
Funny Valentine’s Day One Liners
Valentine’s Day is the day that the “V” and “D” come together.
This year, I’ll be spending Valentine’s Fay with my ex…… box 360 .
I can’t wait for Valentine’s Day because I get to make cupcakes for a special someone and that special someone is me.
Dear Alcohol … Will you be my Valentine?
If you’re sad about being alone on Valentine’s Day, just remember … no-one loves you on any other day either.
If there’s one thing I hate about Valentine’s Day … it’s my wife.
Valentine’s Day is the one day of the year when you get anonymous mail from strangers basically saying they want to sleep with you, and you go, “Awww…”
Valentine’s Day is a day when a lot of people are reminded just what a bad shot Cupid was.
As a waiter, on Valentine’s Day I would put a fake engagement ring into a lot of meals.
If it’s not Valentine’s Day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, “What did you do?”
I think Cupid must need glasses – the last time I dated a girl, he missed my heart but hit my wallet.
If any of you are sad about being alone on Valentine’s Day, just remember that nobody loves you on any other day of the year, and Valentine’s Day shouldn’t be any different.
Valentine’s Day Jokes
If you enjoyed our collection of funny Valentine’s Day jokes and one liners, why not check out the rest of our site for loads more funny jokes and laughs, including our other holiday jokes and these other pages of Valentine’s Day humor: