Grandma Jokes

Everyone loves their grandma but that doesn’t mean we can’t poke fun at them, in a gentle and loving kind of way of course. So here’s a hilarious collection of funny grandma jokes!

Header image for a page of funny grandma jokes.

Funny Grandma Jokes And Puns

My grandma is in her 90’s and she still doesn’t need glasses.

She just drinks straight out of the bottle.

I asked my grandmother how she’s enjoying her new stairlift.

She said, “It’s driving me up the wall.”

My boss at work said to me today, “Do you believe in the supernatural and life after death?”

“Yes, I think so,” I replied.

He said, “I thought you probably would. Yesterday after you left early to go to your grandmother’s funeral, she phoned up to talk to you.”

I asked my grandmother for “something Cuban” for my birthday, and she got me a Che Guevara shirt.

Clothes, but no cigar.

Grandpa: Don’t come in here honey, I just passed a silent one.

Grandma: You need a new battery for your hearing aid.

My grandma was talking about the good old days and said, “In my day we could leave the door unlocked and not worry about it!” and, “we grew up with nothing but we were happy”

I replied, “Well Grandma, I hate to break it to you, but you grew up with nothing because you kept leaving the door unlocked!”

My friend told me his family were having a 92nd birthday party for his grandma.

I said, “That’s awesome, but you can’t really have much of a party in a minute and a half.”

My grandma was famous for her delicious strawberries.

She made me promise that when she died I would plant strawberries over her grave so everyone could visit and enjoy them.

I fulfilled her wish.

She’s dead and berried.

Boy aged 4: Dad, I’ve decided to get married.

Dad: Wonderful; do you have a girl in mind?!

Boy: Yes… grandma! She said she loves me, I love her, too… and she’s the best cook and story teller in the whole world!

Dad: That’s nice, but we have a small problem there!

Boy: What problem?!

Dad: She happens to be my mother. How can you marry my mother!

Boy: Why not?! You married mine!

When my grandma died, I had her cremated and put her ashes in a trophy that said “World’s Best Grandma.”

She urned it.

I just put my grandma on speed-dial.

I call that Instagram.

A dying grandma tells her grandchild, “I want to leave you my farm. That includes the barn, livestock, the harvest, the tractor, and other equipment, the farmhouse and $24,548,750.45 in cash.”

The grandchild, absolutely floored and about to become rich says, “Oh grandma, you are SO generous! I didn’t even know you had a farm. Where is it?”

With her last breath, grandma whispered, “Facebook.”

Shout out to my grandma…

That’s the only way she can hear.

What is a grandma sheep called?

A baaaa-nana.

My grandma has this crazy idea about an apple that’s sour and way better than any other apple.

But we just call that granny’s myth.

A boy is writing a paper on childbirth and asks his grandma, “How was I born?”

His grandma awkwardly answers, “The stork brought you.”

“Oh,” says the boy. “Well, how were mummy and daddy born?”

“Um, well, the stork brought them, too, and your grandpa and I.”

The boy begins his paper, “This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn’t been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations.”

When I was a kid, I made a really big sandcastle with my grandma.

Unfortunately, I didn’t impress anyone at the cremation.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?”

She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?”

She replied, “Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.”

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, “If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair.”

The other day I took my grandma to one of those spas where the little fish eat your dead skin.

It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

“You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I’m on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell.”

“Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?”

“What… You’re coming empty handed?”

On her death bed, the last words that my grandma told my grandpa was, “Honey, I’ll see you in heaven!”

Since then, he’s been kicking puppies and robbing stores every day.

My grandma has been walking 5 miles a day since she was 57.

She’s 92 now.

And we have no idea where she is.

My grandma died peacefully, 93, in the chair.

Nice way to go.

The dentist was very upset, though.

More Funny Jokes

If you enjoyed these hilarious grandma jokes, be sure to check out the rest of LaffGaff for lots more funny jokes such as these: