Funny Marriage Jokes

For better or for worse, here’s a great collection of funny marriage jokes! In fact, there’s no worse as they’re all hilarious. Enjoy!

Header image for a page of funny marriage jokes and puns.

Funny Marriage Jokes And Puns

I was tired and bored one night so I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, “What’ll you have?” I said, “Surprise me.” He showed me a naked picture of my wife.

It was my wife’s birthday and she rang me to see what time I would be home. “I can’t talk,” I said, “I’m driving.” “Where are you?” she asked. She wasn’t happy when I said, “The seventh tee.”

A man walks into a wedding reception. He walks up to the bartender and asks “Is this the punch line?”

My wife just told me that in 9 months I’ll have a little surprise! I can’t wait for Santa to come now… I hope it’s an Xbox.

A maid wanted a raise in salary so she asked the lady of the house, who replied “Give me three good reasons why you should get a raise.” The maid said, “Ok. One – I can cook better than you.” The lady asked, “Who told you that?” “Your husband” replied the maid. “Two – I can iron better than you.” “Who told you that?” asked the lady indignantly. “Your husband” replied the maid. “Ok,” said the lady. “What’s the third reason?” The maid said, “Three – I’m better in bed than you.” This time the lady was furious. “Did my husband tell you that?” she shouted. “No, the gardener did.” The lady doubled the maid’s wages instantly.

My wife accused me of being self-important. I nearly fell off my throne.

Two antennas met, fell in love and eventually got married. The wedding ceremony wasn’t much but the reception was excellent.

My wife accused me of being a transvestite. So I packed her things and left.

My wife said to me, “If you won the lottery, would you leave me?” I said, “Of course not. I’d need someone to do my new girlfriend’s laundry.”

My wife tells me I’m a skeptic – but I don’t believe a word she says.

My wife heard it’s seductive to bite her lip. I don’t have the heart to tell her it’s meant to be the bottom one.

My wife said she is leaving me because I’m too impatient. I can’t wait.

My wife came home with a new vibrator today and started waving it around, shouting “I don’t need you now! I don’t need you now!” Guess who had to put the batteries in.

My biggest regret is my mother-in-law didn’t live long enough to attend my wedding. She was the one person who might have stopped it.

I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted, “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?” I paused for a second while I thought, and said, “It’s you, I can tell by the voice.”

My wife told me I was immature and needed to grow up. Guess who’s not allowed in my tree house anymore.

Never marry a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.

My wife said she is leaving me because I’m too arrogant. I told her to close the door on the way back in.

My wife called me today while I was at work and said, “Honey, I’ve started to get contractions. I need you to drive to the hospital.” Forty-five minutes later when I got there, I called her back and asked, “Right I’m here, what do you want me to do now?”

A romantic wife sent a text to her husband one day. It read, “If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, sent me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!” The husband, a typically non-romantic man, replied, “I am on the toilet. Please advise…”

I went to the doctor and told him that I’m having trouble ‘satisfying’ the wife. He told me I should do what he does. I asked, “What’s that, then?” He said, “Earn 100k a year.”

This guy arrives home at seven o’clock in the morning, stinking of whiskey, to find his angry wife waiting for him. She shouts at him, “You’d better have a darn good reason for coming home at this time in the morning.” “Of course I do,” replies the guy. “Well then, what is it?” asks his wife. “Breakfast!”

My wife is like a luxury German car. She emits gases and then denies it.

My wife said she’s leaving me because I think I’m a supermarket cashier. I said, “Would you like any help with your packing?”

A guy takes his wife out for the night. They end up at a disco where there’s a guy on the dance floor giving it large – break dancing, moon-walking, back flips, every dance move going. The wife turns to her husband and says, “See that guy on the dance floor? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.” The husband replies, “It looks like he’s still celebrating.”

“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully, ” said the divorce court judge, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.” “That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband. “I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”

If my wife made whiskey … I’d love her still.

My wife told me she was leaving me because she couldn’t live with me always making stupid Star Wars puns. I said, “Divorce is strong with this one…”

My wife worships me. She puts burnt offerings in front of me every day.

My wife’s cooking is incredible … With a silent “cr”.

When my wife left, I was sad and lonely. So I went out and bought a motorbike, had sex with two prostitutes and blew a thousand dollars on drugs and alcohol. She’s going to go nuts when she gets back from work.

My wife has a really odd way of starting conversations. She always begins by saying, “Hey, are you even listening?”

My wife has been missing for a week and the police told me to prepare for the worst. So I went to Goodwill and got all her clothes back.

I visited my wife’s grave earlier today. A guy came past and said, “Morning.” I said, “No, just walking the dog.”

A young boy goes to his Dad one day and says, “Dad, did you know in some countries you don’t know who your wife is until you get married?” The dad replies, “It’s like that everywhere, son.”

Wives are like grenades. Remove the ring and BOOM, your house is gone!

This woman’s husband had been ill in hospital for several months. He kept slipping in and out of a coma but she remained faithfully by his bedside every single day. Then one day, when he woke from his coma, he motioned for her to come nearer to him. As she moved closer and sat beside him, with eyes filling with tears he whispered into her ear, “You know what? You’ve been with me through all the tough times. When I got fired from my job, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there for me. When I got shot, you were by my side all the time. When we lost the house, you stayed right here with me. And even when my health started failing, you were still by my side… You know what?” “What dear,” she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth, her eyes welling with tears. He said, “I think you’re bad luck…”

Since it started raining, all my wife has done is stare sadly through the window. If it gets any worse, I’ll have to let her in.

A 60 year-old billionaire gets married to a super hot 21 year old girl. At the party after the ceremony, the billionaire is talking to an old friend who wants to know the secret of how he managed to attract such a beautiful, young bride. “It’s easy” the billionaire boasts, “I  just lied about my age.” The friend replies, “Yes, but even for a 45 year-old guy, she is stunning. By the way, what age did you tell her  you are?” With a smile, the billionaire says, “85.”

I couldn’t find the thingy that peels the potatoes and the carrots, so I asked the kids. Apparently, she left me two days ago.

I went to the police and told them my credit card had been stolen six months earlier. They asked my why I hadn’t reported it earlier. I said, “Because the thief was spending less than my wife.” So then they asked why I was reporting it now. I said, “I think the thief’s wife has started using it.”

My wife found out I was cheating after she found the letters I was hiding … She got mad and said she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.

I introduced my new girlfriend to my family today. My kids liked her, but my wife seemed kind of mad.

Why do guys gain weight after they get married? Because when they’re single, they come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. When they’re married, they come home, see what’s in the bed, and go to the fridge.

My wife’s such a bad cook she uses the smoke alarm as a timer.

Jokes About Marriage

If you enjoyed our funny marriage jokes, be sure to check out the rest of LaffGaff‘s funny joke pages too, including our relationship jokes, such as these:

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