Nice Pendant

I gave my French girlfriend a pendant with “le monde” carved in it.

It means the world to her.

Artist Girlfriend

Whenever my artist girlfriend is sad I let her draw things on my body.

I give her a shoulder to crayon.

Melted Butter

My wife insisted on pouring flour into the melted butter.

I told her she would roux the day.

Ready Soon

If a woman says she’ll be ready in 15 minutes, she will be.

No need to remind her every half hour.

Why Alexa?

Alexa, why do I always screw up with the ladies?

I’m Siri, you idiot!

Don’t Kiss Anyone

Why shouldn’t you kiss anyone on January 1st?

Because it’s only the first date.

Poor Vision

My new girlfriend told me she can’t see too well without her glasses.

I asked her what numbers she can see.

New Apple Product

Apple have announced a new product for wives that helps cope with spontaneous dad jokes throughout their day.

The iRoll.

Serious Relationship

I’m in a very serious relationship with my girlfriend.

Haven’t laughed in two years.

New Dog

I bought my husband a Pug as a present.

Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes and rolls of fat, the dog seems to like him.

Marriage Thoughts

If any of you here are thinking of getting married, consider the following before you do.

On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.

On the other hand, you don’t.

Walkie-Talkies

Her: “Why do we need walkie-talkies? Our relationship is over.”

Me: “Our relationship is what? Over.”

Best Friend

3 years ago I married my best friend.

My girlfriend was angry but me and Dave thought it was hilarious.

Mugshot Picture

After I was arrested, my ex-wife decided to hang a picture of my mugshot on the wall in her living room.

But she still won’t admit she framed me.

Stomach Butterflies

My son asked, “Dad, every time I talk to girls, I get butterflies in my stomach! What should I do?!”

I gently put my arm around him and replied, “That’s easy son…”

“Stop eating caterpillars!”

Write A Book

My wife said, “Why don’t you write a book instead of your stupid word play jokes?”

I said, “That’s a novel idea.”

Laundry Argument

My wife and I were having this huge argument as to whose turn it was to do laundry.

Finally, I threw in the towel.

Revolving Chair

My wife hated my impulse purchase of a revolving chair, but then she sat on it.

She soon came around.

Bodybuilding Program

My wife just completed a 40 week body building program this morning.

It’s a girl and weighs 7 lbs 12 oz

Bad In Bed

My new girlfriend told me I’m terrible in bed.

I told her it’s unfair to make a judgement in less than a minute.

Favorite Herb

My wife just threw away my favorite herb.

She’s such a thyme waster.

Describe Me

I asked my wife to describe me in 5 words. She said I’m mature, I’m moral, I’m pure, I’m polite and I’m perfect!

Then she added that I also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces.

Expensive Belt

I spent $80 on a belt that didn’t fit.

My wife said it was a huge waist.

Tennis Obsession

My wife said she’s leaving me because of my obsession with tennis – and I’m too old.

I said, “I’m only 40 love.”

Reporting Career

My girlfriend wants me to choose between her and my career as a reporter.

I have some breaking news for her.

Cremation Wish

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated.

She made an appointment for Tuesday.

Chest Hair

My wife claims that she can wax my chest hair without me feeling any pain at all.

I’m nervous she won’t be able to pull it off.

Horoscope Obsession

My girlfriend just couldn’t accept my obsession with horoscopes.

In the end it Taurus apart.

Two Faults

My wife tells me I have 2 major faults.

I don’t listen – and something else.

Ultimatum

My wife gave me an ultimatum.

It was either her or my addiction to sweets.

The decision was as easy as pie.

A Lot Like Algebra

Relationships are a lot like algebra.

Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

Wife Clone

My wife said to me, “I’m going to clone myself”

I said, “That would be just like you.”

Negative Wife

My wife is so negative.

I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag.

Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.

News Anchor

My wife is threatening to kick me out of the house because of my obsession with acting like a news anchor.

More on this after the break.

Wedding Anniversary

It’s our wedding anniversary today.

My wife and I have been happily married for two years now.

1995 and 2009.

Happy Wife

I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.

She said, “Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings.”

So I got her nothing.

Previous Childbirth

My wife is pregnant and my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at a childbirth before.

I said, “Yes just once.”

He asked, “What was it like?”

I replied, “It was dark, then suddenly very bright.”

Peace And Quiet

My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner.

So I took the battery out of the smoke alarm.

Birthday Gift

I’m trying to convince my wife that I want a Segway for my birthday.

But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.