Relationship Jokes

Alexa, why do I always screw up with the ladies?

I’m Siri, you idiot!

Why shouldn’t you kiss anyone on January 1st?

Because it’s only the first date.

My new girlfriend told me she can’t see too well without her glasses.

I asked her what numbers she can see.

Apple have announced a new product for wives that helps cope with spontaneous dad jokes throughout their day.

The iRoll.

I’m in a very serious relationship with my girlfriend.

Haven’t laughed in two years.

I bought my husband a Pug as a present.

Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes and rolls of fat, the dog seems to like him.

If any of you here are thinking of getting married, consider the following before you do.

On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.

On the other hand, you don’t.

Her: “Why do we need walkie-talkies? Our relationship is over.”

Me: “Our relationship is what? Over.”

3 years ago I married my best friend.

My girlfriend was angry but me and Dave thought it was hilarious.

After I was arrested, my ex-wife decided to hang a picture of my mugshot on the wall in her living room.

But she still won’t admit she framed me.

My son asked, “Dad, every time I talk to girls, I get butterflies in my stomach! What should I do?!”

I gently put my arm around him and replied, “That’s easy son…”

“Stop eating caterpillars!”

My wife said, “Why don’t you write a book instead of your stupid word play jokes?”

I said, “That’s a novel idea.”

My wife claims I have a poor sense of direction.

I don’t know where she’s coming from.

My wife and I were having this huge argument as to whose turn it was to do laundry.

Finally, I threw in the towel.

My wife hated my impulse purchase of a revolving chair, but then she sat on it.

She soon came around.

My wife just completed a 40 week body building program this morning.

It’s a girl and weighs 7 lbs 12 oz

My new girlfriend told me I’m terrible in bed.

I told her it’s unfair to make a judgement in less than a minute.

My wife just threw away my favorite herb.

She’s such a thyme waster.

I asked my wife to describe me in 5 words. She said I’m mature, I’m moral, I’m pure, I’m polite and I’m perfect!

Then she added that I also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces.

I spent $80 on a belt that didn’t fit.

My wife said it was a huge waist.