Relationship Jokes

I gave my French girlfriend a pendant with “le monde” carved in it.

It means the world to her.

Whenever my artist girlfriend is sad I let her draw things on my body.

I give her a shoulder to crayon.

My wife insisted on pouring flour into the melted butter.

I told her she would roux the day.

If a woman says she’ll be ready in 15 minutes, she will be.

No need to remind her every half hour.

Alexa, why do I always screw up with the ladies?

I’m Siri, you idiot!

Why shouldn’t you kiss anyone on January 1st?

Because it’s only the first date.

My new girlfriend told me she can’t see too well without her glasses.

I asked her what numbers she can see.

Apple have announced a new product for wives that helps cope with spontaneous dad jokes throughout their day.

The iRoll.

I’m in a very serious relationship with my girlfriend.

Haven’t laughed in two years.

I bought my husband a Pug as a present.

Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes and rolls of fat, the dog seems to like him.

If any of you here are thinking of getting married, consider the following before you do.

On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.

On the other hand, you don’t.

Her: “Why do we need walkie-talkies? Our relationship is over.”

Me: “Our relationship is what? Over.”

3 years ago I married my best friend.

My girlfriend was angry but me and Dave thought it was hilarious.

After I was arrested, my ex-wife decided to hang a picture of my mugshot on the wall in her living room.

But she still won’t admit she framed me.

My son asked, “Dad, every time I talk to girls, I get butterflies in my stomach! What should I do?!”

I gently put my arm around him and replied, “That’s easy son…”

“Stop eating caterpillars!”

My wife said, “Why don’t you write a book instead of your stupid word play jokes?”

I said, “That’s a novel idea.”

My wife claims I have a poor sense of direction.

I don’t know where she’s coming from.

My wife and I were having this huge argument as to whose turn it was to do laundry.

Finally, I threw in the towel.

My wife hated my impulse purchase of a revolving chair, but then she sat on it.

She soon came around.

My wife just completed a 40 week body building program this morning.

It’s a girl and weighs 7 lbs 12 oz

My new girlfriend told me I’m terrible in bed.

I told her it’s unfair to make a judgement in less than a minute.

My wife just threw away my favorite herb.

She’s such a thyme waster.

I asked my wife to describe me in 5 words. She said I’m mature, I’m moral, I’m pure, I’m polite and I’m perfect!

Then she added that I also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces.

I spent $80 on a belt that didn’t fit.

My wife said it was a huge waist.

My wife said she’s leaving me because of my obsession with tennis – and I’m too old.

I said, “I’m only 40 love.”

My girlfriend wants me to choose between her and my career as a reporter.

I have some breaking news for her.

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated.

She made an appointment for Tuesday.

My wife claims that she can wax my chest hair without me feeling any pain at all.

I’m nervous she won’t be able to pull it off.

My girlfriend just couldn’t accept my obsession with horoscopes.

In the end it Taurus apart.

My wife tells me I have 2 major faults.

I don’t listen – and something else.

My wife gave me an ultimatum.

It was either her or my addiction to sweets.

The decision was as easy as pie.

Relationships are a lot like algebra.

Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

My wife said to me, “I’m going to clone myself”

I said, “That would be just like you.”

My wife is so negative.

I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag.

Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.

My wife is threatening to kick me out of the house because of my obsession with acting like a news anchor.

More on this after the break.

It’s our wedding anniversary today.

My wife and I have been happily married for two years now.

1995 and 2009.

I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.

She said, “Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings.”

So I got her nothing.

My wife is pregnant and my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at a childbirth before.

I said, “Yes just once.”

He asked, “What was it like?”

I replied, “It was dark, then suddenly very bright.”

My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner.

So I took the battery out of the smoke alarm.

I’m trying to convince my wife that I want a Segway for my birthday.

But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.