Support Band
A friend of mine used to be in a band called The Hinges, they used to be quite big.
They supported The Doors.
Friend Jokes
Like a good friend, you can rely on these hilarious friend jokes to cheer you up when you’re in need of a laugh!
New Hive
What do bees do when their friends move into a new hive?
They have a house swarming party.
Bowling Company
I told a friend that I had a new job as CEO of a bowling company.
“Ten pin?”
“No, permanent”.
Bitter Wine
A friend said a wine he tried recently was bitter and not properly fermented.
Sounds like sour grapes to me.
Toupee Search
My friend asked me if I knew where he could find a toupee.
I said not off the top of my head.
Poker Tables
My friend claims his furniture company makes the best poker tables ever.
But I wouldn’t bet on it.
Bank Note Washer
A friend of mine invented a washing machine for bank notes.
It’s a real money spinner.
Balding Friend
A balding friend of mine has finally cut off his remaining ponytail.
It was a hipsterectomy.
Chiropodist Job
My friend got a new job as a chiropodist and found the first day really difficult.
I guess he was still finding his feet.
Pilot’s Exam
A friend of mine did his pilot’s exam just after a storm, and flew through a rainbow.
He passed with flying colors.
Clown Jump
A friend of mine hurt himself trying to jump over a wall whilst dressed as a clown.
It was his own stupid vault.
Saving Everyone
A friend once told me, “You can’t go around saving everyone. They have to learn to save themselves.”
Great friend. Terrible lifeguard.
U2 Tribute Band
A friend of mine was in a great U2 tribute band.
Then they lost their Edge.
Musical Differences
My friend lost his job as a journalist at a classic rock magazine through musical differences.
He was always giving rave reviews.
Black Hole Cult
My friend has joined a cult that worships black holes.
I’d hate to get sucked into something like that.
Antique Watch
I just received a letter saying my friend bequeathed me a very expensive antique watch.
I really hope it’s not a wind up.
Old Friend
I bumped into an old friend today.
I thought he’d be happy to see me, but he just kept going on about the damage to his car.
Biggest Fan
I took my friend to see the world’s biggest fan for his birthday.
He was blown away.
Tractor Movie
A friend asked me if I had seen the film “Tractor”.
“No,” I replied, “But I’ve seen the trailer.”
Time Travelling Club
I’m very good friends with the other members of my time travelling club.
We go back years.
Mail Joke
My friend sent me a joke in the mail.
Took me a few days to get it.
Nose For Wine
My friend has an excellent nose for wine.
It’s shaped like a corkscrew.
Sugar Gift
A friend just gave me a bag of sugar as a gift.
I thought it was very sweet.
Cloning Lab
Friend: Can I set up a cloning lab in your basement?
Me: Sure, make yourself at home.
Luggage Disguise
At the airport, my friend suggested we disguise ourselves as luggage.
I said. “Let’s not get carried away.”
New Baby
My friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked, “What’s her name?”
My friend replied, “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker said, “How do you spell it, then?”
Underfloor Heating
My friends got a new house, and I paid for them to get underfloor heating.
It was a house warming gift.
Let Hair Down
My friend told me I needed to let my hair down and relax.
But I couldn’t find one, so I did the next best thing and disappointed a rabbit.
Freak Accident
My friend Gary lost all his hair in a freak accident at the biscuit factory.
Garibaldi.
Excessive Burping
My friend was sent to prison last year for excessive burping.
He’s finally been let out with a pardon.
Human Vacuum Cleaner
My friend got taken to hospital because he’s convinced that he’s turned into a vacuum cleaner.
Just phoned to see how he is and they say he’s picking up.
Radiologist Friend
My friend Emma is a radiologist in the X-Ray department.
I call her ‘Boney Em’.
Lunch Together
The mayor in my city just passed a law that male best friends have to have lunch together at least once a week.
Well it’s not a law, it’s a mandate.
Job Quitter
My friend just quit his job at BMW.
He gave no indication he was leaving.
Repairing Ladders
My friend got a job repairing ladders.
He’s working his way to the top.
Stolen Dictionary
I was really angry when I ran into my friend Mark who stole my dictionary.
I said, “Mark, my words!”
Friend Killer
Killing your father is called patricide. Killing your mother is called matricide. So, what is killing your friend called?
Homiecide.
Daughter’s Friend
My daughter brought a friend from school and she said his great-great-great-great-grandfather was coming to pick him up later.
I was impressed and asked, “Does he know how his so many greats grandfather lived for so long?”
My daughter answered, “It’s because of my friend’s stutter.”
German Math
I asked my German friend if he knew the square root of 81…
He said no!
Bonsai Business
My friend had a business selling bonsai trees.
He was so successful he had to move into smaller premises!
Julius Caesar Play
A friend asked me to play the part of Brutus in an upcoming play about Julius Caesar.
I said I’d take a stab at it.
Crow Friends
A crow walks into a bar and orders a drink.
The bartender says, “I hope your friends aren’t coming.”
“Last time they were here, there was a murder.”
Ladies Man
A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet.
He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.
Bartender Break Up
My bartender friend just broke up with her boyfriend.
He keeps asking her for another shot.
Struggling Artist
My friend was a struggling artist until he decided to just do sculptures.
He made over six figures last year.
iPhone Song
I asked my friend Sam to sing a song about the iPhone.
And then Samsung.
Early Riser
A friend of mine is a nun, and she’s up at 5:00 every day.
“How do you do it?” I asked.
“Simple,” she answered, “You get into the habit.”
Lost Car
My friend lost his car.
I call him Carlos now.
New Apartment
I visited my new friend in his apartment.
He told me to make myself at home.
So I threw him out. I hate visitors.
Peach Gift
My friend handed me a peach.
I told him I prefer pears.
So he handed me another one.
