Pilot’s Exam

A friend of mine did his pilot’s exam just after a storm, and flew through a rainbow.

He passed with flying colors.

Clown Jump

A friend of mine hurt himself trying to jump over a wall whilst dressed as a clown.

It was his own stupid vault.

Saving Everyone

A friend once told me, “You can’t go around saving everyone. They have to learn to save themselves.”

Great friend. Terrible lifeguard.

U2 Tribute Band

A friend of mine was in a great U2 tribute band.

Then they lost their Edge.

Musical Differences

My friend lost his job as a journalist at a classic rock magazine through musical differences.

He was always giving rave reviews.

Black Hole Cult

My friend has joined a cult that worships black holes.

I’d hate to get sucked into something like that.

Antique Watch

I just received a letter saying my friend bequeathed me a very expensive antique watch.

I really hope it’s not a wind up.

Old Friend

I bumped into an old friend today.

I thought he’d be happy to see me, but he just kept going on about the damage to his car.

Biggest Fan

I took my friend to see the world’s biggest fan for his birthday.

He was blown away.

Tractor Movie

A friend asked me if I had seen the film “Tractor”.

“No,” I replied, “But I’ve seen the trailer.”

Time Travelling Club

I’m very good friends with the other members of my time travelling club.

We go back years.

Mail Joke

My friend sent me a joke in the mail.

Took me a few days to get it.

Nose For Wine

My friend has an excellent nose for wine.

It’s shaped like a corkscrew.

Sugar Gift

A friend just gave me a bag of sugar as a gift.

I thought it was very sweet.

Cloning Lab

Friend: Can I set up a cloning lab in your basement?

Me: Sure, make yourself at home.

Luggage Disguise

At the airport, my friend suggested we disguise ourselves as luggage.

I said. “Let’s not get carried away.”

New Baby

My friend had a new baby girl.

Her coworker asked, “What’s her name?”

My friend replied, “Melanie Noelle.”

Her coworker said, “How do you spell it, then?”

Underfloor Heating

My friends got a new house, and I paid for them to get underfloor heating.

It was a house warming gift.

Let Hair Down

My friend told me I needed to let my hair down and relax.

But I couldn’t find one, so I did the next best thing and disappointed a rabbit.

Freak Accident

My friend Gary lost all his hair in a freak accident at the biscuit factory.


Excessive Burping

My friend was sent to prison last year for excessive burping.

He’s finally been let out with a pardon.

Human Vacuum Cleaner

My friend got taken to hospital because he’s convinced that he’s turned into a vacuum cleaner.

Just phoned to see how he is and they say he’s picking up.

Radiologist Friend

My friend Emma is a radiologist in the X-Ray department.

I call her ‘Boney Em’.

Lunch Together

The mayor in my city just passed a law that male best friends have to have lunch together at least once a week.

Well it’s not a law, it’s a mandate.

Job Quitter

My friend just quit his job at BMW.

He gave no indication he was leaving.

Repairing Ladders

My friend got a job repairing ladders.

He’s working his way to the top.

Stolen Dictionary

I was really angry when I ran into my friend Mark who stole my dictionary.

I said, “Mark, my words!”

Friend Killer

Killing your father is called patricide. Killing your mother is called matricide. So, what is killing your friend called?


Daughter’s Friend

My daughter brought a friend from school and she said his great-great-great-great-grandfather was coming to pick him up later.

I was impressed and asked, “Does he know how his so many greats grandfather lived for so long?”

My daughter answered, “It’s because of my friend’s stutter.”

German Math

I asked my German friend if he knew the square root of 81…

He said no!

Bonsai Business

My friend had a business selling bonsai trees.

He was so successful he had to move into smaller premises!

Julius Caesar Play

A friend asked me to play the part of Brutus in an upcoming play about Julius Caesar.

I said I’d take a stab at it.

Crow Friends

A crow walks into a bar and orders a drink.

The bartender says, “I hope your friends aren’t coming.”

“Last time they were here, there was a murder.”

Ladies Man

A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet.

He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.

Bartender Break Up

My bartender friend just broke up with her boyfriend.

He keeps asking her for another shot.

Struggling Artist

My friend was a struggling artist until he decided to just do sculptures.

He made over six figures last year.

iPhone Song

I asked my friend Sam to sing a song about the iPhone.

And then Samsung.

Early Riser

A friend of mine is a nun, and she’s up at 5:00 every day.

“How do you do it?” I asked.

“Simple,” she answered, “You get into the habit.”

Lost Car

My friend lost his car.

I call him Carlos now.

New Apartment

I visited my new friend in his apartment.

He told me to make myself at home.

So I threw him out. I hate visitors.

Peach Gift

My friend handed me a peach.

I told him I prefer pears.

So he handed me another one.

New Band

My friends and I have started a band and called it “Books”.

So no one can judge us by our covers.

Strange Deodorant

My friend once used laughing gas as deodorant.

He smelled funny the whole day.

Backwards Name

My friend Tony asked me not to say his name backwards.

I said y not?

Eye Test

A Polish guy goes into an opticians for an eye test.

The optician holds up a card with CZWJNYSACZ on it and asks him can he read that?

The Pole says, “Read it? He’s my best friend.”

Straw User

I told my friend that he really shouldn’t be using a straw and he replied, “Yeah, I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment.”

I said, “Sure, there’s that…”

“But it’s just a really weird way of eating spaghetti.”

Grant Aid

My farmer friend used his government grant aid to buy baby chickens.

He got the money for nothing, and the chicks for free.

Dolly Parton Diet

My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet…

It really made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe leannnnnnn….

Fish Lovers

My friend said, “My kid refuses to eat fish. What do you think is a good replacement?”

I said, “Cats. Cats love fish.”

House-Warming Party

When I moved into my new igloo my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.

Now I’m homeless.