Irreplaceable
My friend worked as a human cannonball act in the circus. When he retired they never replaced him.
They couldn’t find anyone else of the same caliber.
Friend Jokes
Like a good friend, you can rely on these hilarious friend jokes to cheer you up when you’re in need of a laugh!
Spiders In Raincoats
My friend has a bizarre fear of spiders in raincoats.
Anorakaphobia.
Washing Machine
A friend of mine invented a washing machine for bank notes.
It’s a real money spinner.
Black And White Stripes
A friend of mine keeps trying to paint black and white stripes on my back.
I wish he’d stop badgering me.
Drunk Auction
A friend of mine got drunk and went to an auction.
He doesn’t remember a lot.
Birthday Present
I got a friend a rope tied to a bucket for their birthday.
It went down well.
Photography Joke Teller
A friend of mine is always going on about photography jokes.
You just can’t shutter up.
Dog Collector
A friend wanted to start collecting dogs.
I gave him a couple of pointers.
New Wig
My balding friend bought a new wig before moving away, so I got him a comb as a parting gift.
Support Band
A friend of mine used to be in a band called The Hinges, they used to be quite big.
They supported The Doors.
New Hive
What do bees do when their friends move into a new hive?
They have a house swarming party.
Bowling Company
I told a friend that I had a new job as CEO of a bowling company.
“Ten pin?”
“No, permanent”.
Bitter Wine
A friend said a wine he tried recently was bitter and not properly fermented.
Sounds like sour grapes to me.
Toupee Search
My friend asked me if I knew where he could find a toupee.
I said not off the top of my head.
Poker Tables
My friend claims his furniture company makes the best poker tables ever.
But I wouldn’t bet on it.
Bank Note Washer
A friend of mine invented a washing machine for bank notes.
It’s a real money spinner.
Balding Friend
A balding friend of mine has finally cut off his remaining ponytail.
It was a hipsterectomy.
Chiropodist Job
My friend got a new job as a chiropodist and found the first day really difficult.
I guess he was still finding his feet.
Pilot’s Exam
A friend of mine did his pilot’s exam just after a storm, and flew through a rainbow.
He passed with flying colors.
Clown Jump
A friend of mine hurt himself trying to jump over a wall whilst dressed as a clown.
It was his own stupid vault.
Saving Everyone
A friend once told me, “You can’t go around saving everyone. They have to learn to save themselves.”
Great friend. Terrible lifeguard.
U2 Tribute Band
A friend of mine was in a great U2 tribute band.
Then they lost their Edge.
Musical Differences
My friend lost his job as a journalist at a classic rock magazine through musical differences.
He was always giving rave reviews.
Black Hole Cult
My friend has joined a cult that worships black holes.
I’d hate to get sucked into something like that.
Antique Watch
I just received a letter saying my friend bequeathed me a very expensive antique watch.
I really hope it’s not a wind up.
Old Friend
I bumped into an old friend today.
I thought he’d be happy to see me, but he just kept going on about the damage to his car.
Biggest Fan
I took my friend to see the world’s biggest fan for his birthday.
He was blown away.
Tractor Movie
A friend asked me if I had seen the film “Tractor”.
“No,” I replied, “But I’ve seen the trailer.”
Time Travelling Club
I’m very good friends with the other members of my time travelling club.
We go back years.
Mail Joke
My friend sent me a joke in the mail.
Took me a few days to get it.
Nose For Wine
My friend has an excellent nose for wine.
It’s shaped like a corkscrew.
Sugar Gift
A friend just gave me a bag of sugar as a gift.
I thought it was very sweet.
Cloning Lab
Friend: Can I set up a cloning lab in your basement?
Me: Sure, make yourself at home.
Luggage Disguise
At the airport, my friend suggested we disguise ourselves as luggage.
I said. “Let’s not get carried away.”
New Baby
My friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked, “What’s her name?”
My friend replied, “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker said, “How do you spell it, then?”
Underfloor Heating
My friends got a new house, and I paid for them to get underfloor heating.
It was a house warming gift.
Let Hair Down
My friend told me I needed to let my hair down and relax.
But I couldn’t find one, so I did the next best thing and disappointed a rabbit.
Freak Accident
My friend Gary lost all his hair in a freak accident at the biscuit factory.
Garibaldi.
Excessive Burping
My friend was sent to prison last year for excessive burping.
He’s finally been let out with a pardon.
Human Vacuum Cleaner
My friend got taken to hospital because he’s convinced that he’s turned into a vacuum cleaner.
Just phoned to see how he is and they say he’s picking up.
