Brother Jokes

Oh brother! Where we got these rib ticklers from is a whole brother story but enjoy this collection of funny brother jokes and puns! There may not be much brotherly love in evidence but they sure are hilarious!

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Funny Brother Jokes And Puns

Yesterday, my mum asked me to hand out invitations for my brother’s surprise birthday party.

That’s when I realized he was the favorite twin.

My twin brother called me from prison.

He said, “So you know how we finish each others’ sentences?”

Have you heard of the blind cyclops brothers?

Neither have eye.

When I was a child I had a condition where I had to eat mud three times a day in order to survive.

It’s lucky my older brother told me about it, really.

This guy always smoked two cigarettes at a time. If anyone ever asked him why, he would always answer, “I’m smoking one for myself and one for my brother who is in jail.”

One day he was only smoking one cigarette. Someone asked him “Is your brother out of jail?”

He replied, “No, I quit.”

A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly.

And as you can see, they were Wright.

My brother and I had an argument as to which is the most important vowel.

I won.

When my mom was in labor, my head got stuck in her, and the midwife had to pull me out.

That’s how excited I was to see my little brother.

My brother who has a stutter is in prison.

It’s just heartbreaking knowing he will never finish his sentence.

My brother and I laugh at how competitive we were as kids.

But I laugh more.

Did you see Thor put some subtle rouge on his brother’s cheeks with just a hint of eye shadow?

It was pretty Loki.

Do you know what Bruce Lee’s vegetarian brother is called?

Brocco Lee.

Few people know that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.

His name was Frank.

My brother and I are on a tight deadline to make a bunch of Dracula action figures.

I have to make every second Count.

My twin brother likes to take the stairs, but I always prefer the elevator.

I guess we are raised differently.

My neighbor Jamal disappeared and they had no recent photos so they used a photo of his brother Juan.

Fortunately they are identical twins, so if you’ve seen Juan you’ve seen Jamal.

What did they call the Wright brothers after they flew away?

The left brothers.

So I was asking my brother how come he only uses his superpowers on my daughters.

He said it’s because he only has telekinesis not telekinephews.

If I deadarm my brother once a second…

That one hertz.

My brother got fired from the mortuary for kissing the dead on the throat.

Turns out he was a neck romancer.

My brother threw a carton of milk at me.

How dairy!

I ran into my brother’s vegetarian girlfriend.

She recognized me but I had never met herbivore, so it was a little awkward.

A German pushes his brother off a cliff.

“Look mom, no Hans!”

My brother couldn’t pay his water bill.

So I sent him a “Get well soon” card.

Last Thanksgiving, my mother told me, “If your brothers start arguing, don’t take sides.”

Sure enough, they yelled at each other and I could only have turkey.

Just a reminder to be careful when telling jokes that may be offensive:

A few days ago I was talking to some friends, and friends of those friends, at a bar.

I decided to break the ice with the new friends with a few jokes, most of which went down very well until I decided to tell a few more offensive ones… and picked the worst possible one to start with.

Here’s the joke I told:

“What do you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath?

Throw your laundry in.”

One of the new friends instantly became enraged and swung for me. When I asked him what the hell his problem was he replied that his younger brother was epileptic and died in the bath many years ago.

Obviously I felt mortified as I didn’t know about it, and said, “I’m so sorry to hear that. Did he drown?”

“No,” replied the guy. “He choked on a sock.”

Three brothers age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.

One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses. He yells down the stairs, “Was I getting in or out of the bath?”

The 94 year old yells back, “I don’t know, I’ll come up and see.”

He starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells, “Was I going up the stairs or coming down?”

The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table having coffee listening to his brothers. He shakes his head and says, “I sure hope I never get that forgetful.” He knocks on wood for good luck. He then yells, “I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door.”

A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

“What’s up?” he says.

“I’m having a heart attack,” cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he’s dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,”Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Brian’s hiding in your closet and he’s got no clothes on!”

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.

“You rotter,” says the husband,”my wife’s having a heart attack and you’re running around naked scaring the kids!!!”

More Funny Jokes

If you enjoyed these funny brother jokes and puns, be sure to check out the rest of LaffGaff for lots more funny jokes such as these:

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