Dog Arrest

The police just came and arrested my dog.

He had unpaid barking tickets.

Pet Store Promo

Did you hear about the promo they’re running at the pet store?

Buy one dog, get one flea.

Plank Walker Joke

Why did the pirate walk the plank?

Because he didn’t have a dog.

Tool Fetcher

I have been teaching my dog to fetch tools from my workshop.

He’s not perfect.

But he knows the drill.

Dog Treats

We got our dogs some glow in the dark treats for their birthday.

You should have seen their little faeces light up.

Dog Ate Ring

I was going to propose to my girlfriend but my dog ate the ring.

Now it’s a diamond in the ruff.

Dog Heaven

If all dogs go to heaven, where do cats go?

Purrrgatory.

Cowardly Dog

What do you call a cowardly dog?

A Golden Retreater.

Scrabble Tiles

My dog swallowed a whole bag of Scrabble tiles so we took him to the vet to get him checked out.

No word yet.

Understanding Cat

This morning I saw my neighbor talking to her cat.

It was obvious the poor women thought the cat understood her.

When I got home I told my dog… we laughed a lot.

Library Book

I recently heard about this young adult novel in which Schrodinger’s cat and Pavlov’s dog team up for a cross county adventure.

So I headed on down to the library to see if they had a copy for my 10 year old daughter.

The librarian said that my description rang a bell but she wasn’t sure if it was there or not.

Dog Ball

I threw a ball for my dog.

It’s a bit extravagant I know, but it was his birthday and he looks great in a tuxedo.

Dog Math

I asked my dog what’s two minus two.

He said nothing.

Two Dogs In A Bar

Two dogs are sitting in a bar.

The first says, “Wanna hear a joke?”

The second dog says, “Sure!”

The first dog says, “Knock knock.”

The second says…

“WOOF WOOF WOOF! WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF!!”

Dog Psychiatrist

A Dachshund and a Labrador are walking together when the former suddenly unloads on his friend.

“My life is a mess,” he says. “My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a Pomeranian and I’m as jittery as a cat.”

“Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?” suggests the Labrador.

“I can’t. I’m not allowed on the couch.”

Marine Biologist And Dog

What’s the difference between a dog and a marine biologist?

One wags a tail and the other tags a whale.

Immortal Dog

I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day.

It was impossible to put down.

Tired Dog

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard.

I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.

He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch.

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour.

This continued for several weeks.

Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: “Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.”

The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: “He lives in a home with four children – he’s trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?”

Cat In Heaven

A German Shepherd, a Doberman, and a cat died.

In Heaven, all three faced God, who wanted to know what they believed in.

The German Shepherd said, “I believe in discipline, training, and loyalty to my master.”

“Good!” said God. “Sit at my right side.”

Then God asked, “Doberman, what do you believe in?”

The Doberman answered, “I believe in the love, care, and protection of my master.”

“Aha,” said God, “You may sit on my left.”

Then God looked at the cat and asked, “And what do you believe in?”

“I believe,” replied the cat, “That you are sitting in my seat.”

Clever Dog

I’ve trained my dog to go and fetch me a bottle of wine.

He’s a Bordeaux collie.

Dog Pancakes

My wife said to me, “We just ate, why are you making pancakes?”

I said, “They’re for the dogs.”

She asked, “Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?”

I said, “They don’t know how.”

Dog Days

Everyday when I come home from work I ask my dog how his day was.

He always says the same thing.

Rough.

Fire Hydrant

If H2O is on the inside of a fire hydrant, what’s on the outside?

K9P.

Dog Bowl

My wife asked me today if I had seen the dog bowl.

I said no I didn’t know he could.

Fortune Teller

A fortune teller told me that, in 12 years time, I’d suffer terrible heartbreak.

So, to cheer myself up, I bought a puppy.

Dog’s Dinner

My wife rang me at the pub and said, “If you’re not home in 10 minutes, I’m giving the dinner I cooked you to the dog.”

I was home in 5 minutes.

I’d hate for anything to happen to the dog.

New Dog

I bought my husband a Pug as a present.

Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes and rolls of fat, the dog seems to like him.

Eye Surgery

A guy just finishes his Lasik surgery and his surgeon leads him in his office to discuss the surgery.

The surgeon asks if he wants the good news or bad news first.

The man excitedly replies, “I’ll take the good news first.”

The surgeon tells him, “Well, you’re about to get a new dog.”

Ugly Dog Contest

I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!

The dog came third.

Guide Dogs

Two men are walking their dogs (a doberman and a chihuahua) when they see a restaurant.

They’re pretty hungry, so they decide to head in for a bite to eat. Unfortunately, they see a sign out front that says “NO DOGS ALLOWED”.

The man with the doberman says “I know what to do, just follow my lead.” He throws on a pair of sunglasses and walks in.

The waiter tells him “I’m sorry sir, we don’t allow dogs here.” The man says “Oh, you don’t understand. I’m blind and this is my guide dog.”

“A doberman for a guide dog?” The waiter asks, skeptical.

“Yes.” The man replies. “Dobermans are very loyal. They’re easy to train and protective too. They’re born for the job.”

The waiter sighs and leads the man to a table.

The second man, excited by this idea, throws on his sunglasses and walks in.

The waiter tells him “I’m sorry sir, we don’t allow dogs here.” The man says “Oh, you don’t understand. I’m blind and this is my guide dog.”

“A chihuahua for a guide dog?” The waiter asks.

“A chihuahua?” The man asks. “They gave me a chihuahua?!”

Dog Minder

If I had a penny for everyone who asked me to look after their dogs…

I’d have a pound.

Underwater Dog

What do you call a dog that’s underwater?

A sub-woofer.

High Temperature Dog

What do you give a dog that has a high temperature?

Mustard, it’s the best thing for a hot dog.

Strange Dog Breed

What do you get when you cross a cocker spaniel, a poodle, and a ghost?

A cocker poodle boo.

Female Dog

I got a female dog.

I named her Karma.

Good Dog

What do you call a floating dog?

A good buoy.

Too Many Dogs

What’s the medical diagnosis for owning too many dogs?

Roverdose.

Albino Dalmatian

I just spotted an albino Dalmatian.

It was the least I could do.

Floating Dog

I took my dog to the lake today and noticed he floats very well.

He’s a very good buoy.

Motionless Dog

I couldn’t understand why my dog was motionless.

Then I realised… it was on paws.

Hides In The Corner

Every time my doorbell rings, my dog hides in the corner.

He’s a Boxer.

Clever Cats

Dogs can’t operate MRI machines…

But catscan.

Rolex And Timex

My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex.

They’re his watch dogs.

Now That’s Confusing

I asked a librarian for a book about Pavlov’s dog and Schroedinger’s cat.

She said it rang a bell, but she wasn’t sure if it was there or not.

Duck Attack

I can’t take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him.

I guess that’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.

Dog Name

I named my dog “Wifi”.

Because I stole it from my neighbor.

Dead Dog

My girlfriend’s dog died, so to cheer her up I went out and got her an identical one.

She went mad, “What am I going to do with two dead dogs?”