Polygamist Cat

Did you hear about the polygamist cat?

He had nine wives.

Flashdance

My cat always gets excited when I put the movie “Flashdance” on.

What a feline!

Goldfish Musical

I’ve written a musical called ‘Goldfish’.

It’s very similar to ‘Cats’, although ‘Memory’ is a lot shorter.

Dog Heaven

If all dogs go to heaven, where do cats go?

Purrrgatory.

Understanding Cat

This morning I saw my neighbor talking to her cat.

It was obvious the poor women thought the cat understood her.

When I got home I told my dog… we laughed a lot.

Library Book

I recently heard about this young adult novel in which Schrodinger’s cat and Pavlov’s dog team up for a cross county adventure.

So I headed on down to the library to see if they had a copy for my 10 year old daughter.

The librarian said that my description rang a bell but she wasn’t sure if it was there or not.

Cat Medication

I accidentally took my cat’s meds this morning.

Don’t ask meow.

Red Laser Dot

A burglar broke into our house last night.

I didn’t shoot him.

I just put the red laser dot on his forehead.

Our three cats did the rest.

Clever Cat

I told my cat that I’m going to teach him to speak English.

He looked at me and said, “Me? How.”

Atheist Cat Owners

Studies show that atheists are more likely to own cats than Christians.

Because owning Christians isn’t legal, obviously.

Cat In Heaven

A German Shepherd, a Doberman, and a cat died.

In Heaven, all three faced God, who wanted to know what they believed in.

The German Shepherd said, “I believe in discipline, training, and loyalty to my master.”

“Good!” said God. “Sit at my right side.”

Then God asked, “Doberman, what do you believe in?”

The Doberman answered, “I believe in the love, care, and protection of my master.”

“Aha,” said God, “You may sit on my left.”

Then God looked at the cat and asked, “And what do you believe in?”

“I believe,” replied the cat, “That you are sitting in my seat.”

Cat Directions

A man absolutely hated his wife’s cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

When he reached his driveway, there was the cat.

He kept taking the cat further and further but the cat would always beat him home.

One day he decided to drive hundreds of miles away. He drove out of town, through the desert and into the next state until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home. He let the cat out and headed back.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: “Jen, is the cat there?”

“Yes,” the wife answers. “Why do you ask?”

“Put him on the phone,” the man replies. “I’m lost and need directions.”

New Kitten

How do you buy a kitten when the pet store is closed?

You order it from the cat-alogue.

Fish Lovers

My friend said, “My kid refuses to eat fish. What do you think is a good replacement?”

I said, “Cats. Cats love fish.”

Communist Cat

I think my cat might be a communist.

He won’t shut up about Mao.

Cat Ladies

When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of cats.

This phenomenon is known as many paws.

Bad Movie

I don’t know why everyone is saying Cats (the movie) was bad.

They played it on my flight home and there were only two walkouts.

Cat Burglar

My cat got stolen.

I think she was taken by a purr snatcher.

Cat Shelter

I used to work at a cat shelter but I had to quit.

They reduced meowers.

Clever Cats

Dogs can’t operate MRI machines…

But catscan.

Now That’s Confusing

I asked a librarian for a book about Pavlov’s dog and Schroedinger’s cat.

She said it rang a bell, but she wasn’t sure if it was there or not.

I Like To Help

I saw a poster that said, “Have you seen my cat?”

I rang the number and told them I haven’t.

I like to help where I can.

Schrodinger’s Cat

Schrodinger’s Cat recently went on a crime spree.

He’s wanted dead and alive.

No More Cat Scans?

Now that it’s been proven that dogs can sniff out cancer, does that mean the end of the cat scan?