Fly Fishing Play
I went to see a play about fly fishing.
The cast was amazing.
Fish Jokes
We knew things would go swimmingly if we brought you these funny fish jokes and puns because they’re pure gold!
Fishing Music
Any recommendations for music I can listen to while I’m fishing?
I’m looking for something catchy.
Tropical Fish
Keeping tropical fish at home can have a calming effect on the brain…
Due to all the indoor fins.
Fish School Head
What do you call the head of a school of fish?
A Sardean.
Clever Fish
What do you call a fish that has completed 8 years of medical school?
A brain sturgeon.
Fishing Help Center
Thank you for phoning the fishing help center.
Please hold the line.
Goldfish Musical
I’ve written a musical called ‘Goldfish’.
It’s very similar to ‘Cats’, although ‘Memory’ is a lot shorter.
Marine Corps
Military recruiter: So what got you guys interested in the Marine Corps?
Enormous horde of hagfish, isopods and bottom-feeding crustaceans: Oh, uh, is that how you pronounce it?
Fish Bow Tie
What do you call a fish with a bow tie?
Sofishticated.
Koi Travel
Why do koi only travel in groups of four?
It’s to protect against predators. When they’re attacked, Koi A, B, and C travel in one direction.
The other one is the D koi.
Fishing Tournament
What’s the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament?
Live stream.
Tuna Time
Tuna must age about five times faster than humans.
This is supported by the fact that tuna half-hours are equal to 150 minutes.
Give A Man A Fish
Give a man a fish and you will feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish and he will spend a fortune on gear he will only use twice a year.
Bed Sharing
My wife thinks we should allow our pets to share our bed.
I finally gave in.
After 10 minutes, our goldfish finally settled down.
Fish Lovers
My friend said, “My kid refuses to eat fish. What do you think is a good replacement?”
I said, “Cats. Cats love fish.”
Noah’s Ark
One day God calls down to Noah and says, “Noah my old buddy, I want you to make me a new ark.”
Noah replies, “No problem God, my old Supreme Being, anything you want after all you’re the boss!”
But God interrupts, “Ah, but there’s a catch. This time Noah, I do not want just a couple of decks, I want 20 decks one on top of the other.”
“20 decks!”, shouts Noah. “Well, Okay Big Man, whatever you say. Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?”
“Yep, that’s right, well… sort of right… this time I want you to fill it up with fish,” God answers.
“Fish?” queries Noah.
“Yep, fish . . well, to make it more specific Noah, I want carp wall to wall, floor to ceiling carp!”
Noah looks to the skies. “Okay God, let me get this right, You want a new ark?”
“Yeah.”
“With 20 decks, one on top of the other?”
“Yeah.”
“And you want it full of carp?”
“Check.”
“But why?” asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether.
“Dunno,” says God, “I just fancied a multi-storey carp ark.”
High Fish
How do fish get high?
Seaweed.
Fish Tacos
I made some fish tacos last night.
But they just ignored them and swam away.
Weigh Fish
Why are fish easy to weigh?
They have their own scales!
Sleeping Pet
Apparently, 29% of pet owners let their pet sleep on the bed with them, so I gave it a try.
My goldfish died.
Talking Sushi
What did sushi A say to sushi B when they met?
Wasabi.
Jellyfish Sting
My wife got stung by a jellyfish and said, “Quick, pee on it!”
So I peed on it and said, “That’s for stinging my wife!”
Salmon Clothes
My friend is making a lot of money by selling photos of salmon dressed up in human clothes.
It’s like shooting fish in apparel.
Fish Cakes
A man walks into a seafood store carrying a trout under his arm.
“Do you make fish cakes?” he asked.
“Yes, we do,” replied the fishmonger.
“Great,” said the man, “It’s his birthday.”
Have A Chat
Why did the stingray have a chat with the scuba diver?
He wanted to have a manta-man talk.
Basically Free
It only costs 1c to get into our local aquarium, so long as you’re camping or dressed as a dolphin.
To all in tents and porpoises, it’s free.
Genetically Modified
I’m not sure I believe all this stuff about genetically modified food being bad for you.
I feel fine and I just had a really tasty leg of salmon.
Nothing To Be Afraid Of
The swordfish has no natural predators to be afraid of.
Except for the penfish, which is thought to be mightier.
What Kind Of Fish?
What kind of fish is made from just two sodium atoms?
2 Na.
Strange Housework
My wife said she was leaving me because “I can’t do anything right when it comes to housework.”
Selfish woman, it took me hours to mop that carpet.
Fish Catcher
What do you call a girl who catches fish?
Annette.
Polish Fisherman
What do you call a Polish fisherman?
A fishing pole.
Breakdancing Goldfish
I once owned a goldfish that could breakdance on the carpet.
Only for like 20 seconds though.
Nigerian Prince
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
Give a Nigerian a phish and he’ll become a prince.
Omega 3
My girlfriend threw some Omega 3 capsules at me today.
It’s okay though, I only have super fish oil injuries.
Definitely No Swimming
I went fishing at the weekend and there was this guy splashing about in the middle of the lake shouting, “I can’t swim! I can’t swim!”
“It’s alright, buddy,” I shouted, pointing at a nearby sign, “It says no swimming anyway”.
Give A Man A Fish
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
Give a dog a toffee and you’ll laugh for half an hour.
A Bit Inappropriate
I was at a funeral the other day and a couple in front of me were loudly arguing about which herb goes best with which fish.
I could only think it wasn’t the Thyme or Plaice.
Epileptic Goldfish
A blonde woman goes to the vet with her goldfish. “I think it’s got epilepsy,” she tells the vet.
The vet takes a look and says, “It seems calm enough to me.”
The blonde says, “Wait, I haven’t taken it out of the bowl yet.”
Teach A Man To Fish
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.
Fish Walks Into A Bar
A fish walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “What do you want?”
The fish croaks, “Water.”
