Pregnancy has naturally given birth to lots of funny baby jokes and puns! Here we deliver what we consider to be the finest examples to make you cry with laughter!
Funny Baby Jokes
As a doctor, I never make a joke about an unvaccinated baby.
But let me give it a shot.
After my wife had given birth to our baby, the nurse asked me, “Do you have a name yet?”
I said, “Yes. Steve.”
She said, “Awww! That’s a lovely name!”
“Thanks,” I said. “But what do you think we should call the baby?”
My wife is so negative.
I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag.
Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
My wife was breastfeeding and she said, “The baby sure is taking his time getting his meal in.”
I said, “Yeah, he is really milking it!
Did you hear about the mother who gave birth to her baby while she was in the sky?
I guess you can say the baby was airborne.
Small babies may be delivered by a stork.
But larger babies are delivered by a crane.
“I’m sorry but your wife didn’t make it,” the doctor said as he handed the man his newborn baby.
The man handed the baby back to the doctor, “Then bring me the one my wife did make.”
How can you tell the gender of a baby?
If he cries it’s a boy.
I she cries, it’s a girl.
Women should not have babies after 40.
That’s too many babies.
We’re doing everything right, I don’t understand why we can’t make a baby.
It’s inconceivable.
My sister just delivered a baby.
I knew she had it in her.
My baby just swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles.
The next diaper change could spell disaster.
Who’s bigger. Mr Bigger or Mr Bigger’s baby?
Mr.Bigger’s baby. He’s just a little bigger.
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn’t put her down.
What do you call a cow who just had a baby?
De-calf-inated.
My wife gave birth to our child today. Everything went well, the baby is healthy and I’m very happy.
If you’re here looking for a punchline, you probably won’t find it. This was just about the delivery.
I was telling my father about the first baby born from a transplanted womb.
He turns to me and says, “Well, there’s always womb for improvement.”
My wife was wondering what her breast milk tastes like, so she asked the baby. And he told her…
Umami.
I tried to steal candy from a newborn baby.
He slapped my hand away. Turns out he wasn’t born yesterday.
My wife didn’t think I would name our baby daughter something ridiculous.
But I called her Bluff.
When my wife was having our baby, I tried to distract her by telling Dad jokes.
She wasn’t amused.
Must have been the delivery.
I read a book on prime numbers to my baby son.
And I had his undivided attention.
How does a baby look something up?
They “Goo Goo” it.
My pregnant wife asked me if I ever worried it would be too hot for the baby inside her…
I said, “Nah, it’s probably womb temperature.”
Amal and Juan are identical twins.
Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you’ve seen Juan you’ve seen Amal.
What do you call baby snowmen?
Chilldren.
Mom: Why is their a strange baby in the crib?
Dad: You told me to change the baby.
A true dad joke is all about delivery.
You’re not a dad until the baby is delivered!
A man is sitting in the hospital with his newborn baby when his own father walks in.
Father: “So, how does it feel being a dad?”
Son: “It feels good. I’m a bit scared of course, but so excited at the same time. How does it feel being a grandfather?”
Father: “It feels pretty great. You’ve always been a good son and I’ve been patiently waiting for this special moment. There’s something now that I have to give you.”
The son watches curiously as his father pulls a large tome out of his backpack with exquisite text on the cover: ‘The Big Book of Dad Jokes’.
Father: ” For generations these sacred texts have been passed down through the patriarchs of our family. My father gave it to me when you were born and now, as a new father yourself, I bestow it to you. With this book you will have all the knowledge needed to become a truly great Dad.”
Son: ” Wow, Dad, this is amazing! Truly! I’m… I’m honored.”
The father smiles as he extends his arm out to shake his son’s hand and says,
“Nice to meet you, Honored. I’m Dad.”
Our couch pulls out and I gotta say it’s really nice.
The last thing I need is a bunch of baby couches running around the place.
I asked my wife if she wanted to have a baby and she said, “Are you kidding me?”
I said, “yeah, that’s the plan.”
My daughter was trying to feed her baby, but she wasn’t having any of it and wouldn’t eat any of her dinner.
“Try the Airplane,” I said.
“Airplane? What is it?”
“It’s a classic spoof film from the 1980’s but that’s not important right now…”
My friend set me up on a blind date and he said, “I’d better warn you, she’s expecting a baby.”
I felt like such an idiot sitting in the bar wearing just a nappy.
Babies toes are almost the same size and shape as tic-tacs.
That makes them tic-tac-toes.
A man is in the delivery room with his wife, who has just given birth.
The baby cries, and overcome by his emotions on entering fatherhood, the man cries as well.
The midwife asks, “Are you ok?”.
He slowly turns around, a tear in his eye and says, “No, I’m Dad.”
I requested the flight attendant to switch my seat as I was next to a screaming baby.
Apparently you are not allowed to do that if the baby is yours.
What did baby Yoda say the first time he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI.
I’ve decided to make an elite army of babies.
I’ll call them The Infantry.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider?
You spend too much time on the web.
Why did the baby go to jail?
Because he was resisting a rest.
What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?
A pouch potato.
Ending childhood obesity is easy.
It’s as easy as taking candy from a baby.
A friend of mine asked me to adopt some baby cows, and I agreed.
What can I say, I’m always willing to raise the steaks.
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s labor pain to the baby’s father.
He was asked if they were willing to try it out.
They were both very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer.
The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband’s blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.
At this point, they decided to try out for 50%.
The husband continued to feel quite well.
Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer all the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.
She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.
After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks strange so she decides to do a DNA test.
She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.
Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you.
Husband: What’s up?
Wife: According to DNA test results, this is not our kid
Husband: Well you don’t remember, do you?
When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed that our baby had pissed and spoiled his underwear.
Then you said:
Please go change the baby, I’ll wait for you here.
So I went inside, got a clean one and left the dirty one there.
A woman was walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out.
A cop was approaching from about a block away, thinking to himself, “Boy, my eyes must be going. It looks like that woman is hanging out of her blouse.”
But, as he got closer, it became apparent that she really was hanging out her blouse.
When the officer got face to face with the woman, he said, “Miss, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?”
“Why, officer?” the woman asked.
“Well,” said the officer, “Your right breast is hanging out of your blouse.”
The woman quickly looked down and screamed, “Oh my God! I left my baby on the bus!”
More Funny Jokes
If these hilarious joke about babies really delivered for you, check out the rest of LaffGaff for lots more funny jokes, such as these:
