Twin Jokes And Puns

The best thing about these twin jokes and puns is that they mean twice the fun and laughter, and none of them are identical!

Funny Twin Jokes

A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a deep coma and woke up after about 6 months. She immediately asked the doctor about her baby. The doctor said, “You had twins, a boy and a girl. They’re both fine. And, you’re brother named them for you.” The woman said, “No No No! Not my brother. He’s an idiot! What did he name the girl?” The doctor replied, “Denise”. The woman said, “Oh, that’s actually a nice name. What about the boy?” The doctor sighed and said, “Denephew”.

I finally realized my parents favored my twin brother. It hit me when they asked me to blow up balloons for his surprise birthday party.

My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!” I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”

My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed.

I failed my calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins. It was hard to differentiate between them.

I called my wife and told her I’d pick up pizza and coke on my way back home from work, but she’s not happy. She still regrets letting me name the twins.

When you are telling a joke to identical twins, make sure you say the entire joke. Because it isn’t easy to tell them a part.

What did the drummer name his twin daughters? Anna One. Anna Two.

A man called his twin brother from prison: “Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”

How do you call twins – both at the same time? Hey, w.

What are twins favorite fruits? Pears.

My friend Jay had twins recently, and he wanted to name them after him. So I suggested Kay and Elle.

My wife just gave birth to a set of identical twins. She named the first one Pete. I named the second one Repeat.

If I ever had identical twin daughters, I’d name the first one Kate. And the second one Duplikate.

My twin sister always takes the stairs, but I prefer taking the elevator. I guess we’re raised differently.

I once dated a twin. My friend asked me how I told them apart. I said Stacy has a beauty mark on her right cheek. And Frank has a beard.

Why did Spiderman’s evil twin fail his driver’s test? He was a bad parallel Parker.

“Hey bartender, you will never believe it. This guy has the same birthday as me, his parents have the same name, we grew up in the same town and we went to the same school. Can you believe it?” Bartender to his replacement at the end of his shift: “The Murphy Twins are drunk again.”

Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet. Because if you’ve seen Juan you’ve seen Amal.

Everybody knows about Darth Vader but nobody knows about the rise and fall off his twin sister. Ellie Vader.

I once knew a pair of twins that looked exactly alike, except that one of them was missing an eye. They were dentical twins.

Two twins have a race in the morning. One says to the other, “I bet I can get dressed faster than you.” So each hurriedly puts their socks on, followed by their underwear and trousers, both at the same time. Now the hard part! Each fumbled frantically with their buttoned shirts, quickly but painstakingly ensuring that each button was right – a minute or so later each finished the last button at the same time. The heat was on! It was all down to the last item of clothing! It was a tie.

Did you know that Napoleon had a twin? They weren’t conjoined though, they were Bonaparte.

My twin brother and I got a barber appointment and decided to shave off our beards. He chose the electric clippers, but I got the straight blade. Despite being twins, we were razed differently.

I’ve been cheating on my girlfriend with her twin, but it’s OK because I can tell them apart. Brian has a mustache.

What did the hungry twins say to their Mom in her womb? Fetus.

What was Rapunzel’s ugly twin sister named? Repugnant.

What do you call sheep that are identical twins? Double ewes.

I once saw two octopuses that looked the exact same. They must have been itentacle twins.

Because of a clerical error at the hospital we named both of our twin boys William. They billed us twice.

Confucius knew the answers to all of life’s questions. The same cannot be said of his twin brother, Confusion.

Why did the twin elephants have to leave the beach? They only had a pair of trunks.

There’s this new machine that lets fathers experience the pain of child birth. A couple tried it out. On the 25% setting the husband didn’t feel anything even though the mother’s pain eased. Surprised, they turn it up to 50%. The wife felt less pain and amazingly the husband felt nothing. The machine was turned up to 100% and the mother gave a pain-free birth to two beautiful twins. They returned home the next day to find the mailman dead in the front yard.

After 40 years, I met my long lost twin brother at a Gamblers Anonymous meeting last night. What are the odds!

My dad has a twin, but he claims they aren’t the same age. When he turned 20, his twin turned twenty too.

What’s another term for maternal twins? Cellmates.

What did the Mexican fire fighter name his twin sons? José and Hose B.

A Roman Catholic priest is on his way to Rome when he runs into an old childhood friend. “My goodness, Mary!” He says. “How have you been?” “Oh, could be better,” she says. “My husband and I have been trying to have children for fifteen years, but we are barren.” “I’m so sorry,” says the priest. “I’m on a pilgrimage to Rome, and I promise to light a candle for you in the great cathedral.” Mary thanks him, and after chatting a little longer, they part ways. Five years later, the priest is eating dinner when there’s a knock at his door. He opens it, and to his surprise, it’s Mary. “I’m so glad I found you!” She exclaims. “Remember that candle you lit for me, years ago? Well, my husband and I now have two sets of twins and a set of triplets — and I just found out I’m pregnant with quadruplets!” She then hands the priest an all-expenses paid ticket to Rome. “Oh Mary!” Says the priest. “Your joy is my joy. You didn’t need to give me a thank-you gift.” “Oh no, it’s not a thank you,” says Mary. “It’s so you can blow out that candle.”

Why do the Lannisters have such big beds? They push two twins together to make a king.

When I was about 9 years old, my father forced me to go with him to the funeral of a friend of his, that I didn’t know. When we got there, I stayed in a corner, waiting for time to pass by. Then a man approached me and said, “Enjoy life boy, be happy because time flies. Look at me now … I didn’t enjoy it.” He then passed his hand over my head and left. My father, before leaving, forced me to say goodbye to the dead person. When I looked in the coffin, I was startled that the man who was talking to me when I was in the corner was the same man in the coffin! For several years later, I wasn’t able to sleep properly. With repeated nightmares and psychological disorder, I was terrified of being alone. I visited many psychologists. I didn’t turn off the light at night and lots of other turmoil that I had to endure throughout my adolescent ages. Years later I discovered something incredible that changed my life. That dead idiot had a twin brother.

My wife’s fantasy is to be with another man. Mine is to have two girls at the same time. She must have misunderstood because now we have twin daughters from the mailman.

A child psychologist had twin boys. One was an optimist; the other, a pessimist. Just to see what would happen, on Christmas Day he loaded the pessimist’s room with toys and games. In the optimist’s room, he dumped a pile of horse droppings. That night, the father found the pessimist surrounded by his gifts, crying. “What’s wrong?” the father asked. “I have a ton of game manuals to read. I need batteries. And my toys will all eventually get broken!” sobbed the pessimist. Passing the optimist’s room, the father found him dancing for joy around the pile of droppings. “Why are you so happy?” he asked. The optimist shouted, “There’s got to be a pony in here somewhere!”

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Jokes About Twins

If you enjoyed these hilarious puns and jokes about twins, be sure to check out the rest of LaffGaff for lots more funny jokes, such as these:

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