Growing old is inevitable but look on the funny side of it with these hilarious old age jokes and puns! Tell them to your family and friends – if you can remember them!
Funny Old Age Jokes And Puns
If I ever own a ranch in my old age…
I’m definitely gonna call it “Pasture Prime”.
The secret to having a smoking hot body in old age?
Cremation.
What Sith Lord immobilizes his enemies in their old age instead of killing them?
Darth Ritis.
What do old people win for ageing?
Atrophy.
Regular naps help to prevent old age.
Especially if you take them while driving.
I knew a couple who grew fruit trees together.
They lived to a ripe old age.
An old man lies dying in 2070, surrounded by his family. Trying to extract some final wisdoms from him and keep him company in his final days, his son asks, “What’s the part of your life that sticks out to you most Dad?”
The old man responds, “I can perfectly remember my youth. Those summer days fifty years ago seem in my mind to be as clear and perfect as this moment now.”
His son exclaims, “Wow, fifty years! Your memory was always so impressive, even in your old age pop””
“But of course,” his dad says back, “Hindsight is 2020.”
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, “He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.”
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old making love would surely be asking for trouble.
“Oh no, my dear,” replied Granny. “Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the ding and out on the dong.”
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, “He’d still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn’t come along.”
A stand-up comic gets a gig to perform at a old age home.
Soon into his act he notices that most of the old people there are pretty out of it so he tries to tell the same joke twice and people still laugh cos they have already forgotten that they just now heard it.
So he gets a kick out of it and keeps telling the same joke for half an hour and towards the end of it he notices that one old guy is staring at him.
He finishes his half hour and is about to leave and that old guy approaches him.
The comic is a bit nervous that the old guy is gonna confront him about what he just did.
He braces himself for some uncomfortable confrontation but the old guy asks him “How do you remember all those jokes?!”
A Cowboy was told that if he sprinkled gunpowder on his breakfast, he’d live to a ripe old age.
So he did this religiously, every morning and he lived to the ripe old age of 96.
He left behind 8 children, 24 grandchildren and 60 great grandchildren, as well as a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor.
The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don’t forget.
They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. “You might want to write it down,” she said.
The husband said, “No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream.”
She then told her husband she wanted a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream. “Write it down,” she told him, and again he said, “No, no, I can remember: you want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream.”
Then the old lady said she wanted a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top. “Write it down,” she told her husband and again he said, “No, I got it. You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top.”
So he went to get the ice cream and spent an unusually long time in the kitchen, over 30 minutes.
He came out to his wife and handed her a plate of eggs and bacon.
The old wife stared at the plate for a moment, then looked at her husband and asked, “Where’s the toast?”
A 100 year old Japanese man is being interviewed for a newspaper piece about extreme old age.
The reporter asks him, “Do you think there’s any merit to the stereotype that people from this village live a lot longer than others?”
The old man thinks for a second and says, “You know, I’m not sure. Let me go ask my dad”.
The reporter, stunned, stammers “Y-your dad? Where is he right now??”
The old man says, “I think he’s out fishing with my grandpa.”
A woman tells her doctor, “I’ve got a bad back.”
The doctor examines her and says, “It’s old age.”
The woman isn’t satisfied with this and says, “I want a second opinion.”
The doctor says, “Okay, you’re ugly as well.”
What’s the best part of old age?
It doesn’t last very long.
I wrote a poem called “Old Age Pensioner’s Underwear”:
Rose’s are red.
Violet’s are blue.
Ethel’s are green.
What are three signs old age?
- Becoming forgetful.
In my old age, I am like a fine wine…
Fifteen percent alcohol by volume.
If Abraham Lincoln were alive today, what would he be famous for?
Old age.
A husband notices his wife’s hearing is deteriorating and decides to visit her doctor for advice, saying, “I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age.”
The doctor tells him, “There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing. Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and ask again until she does.”
That night, the husband arrives home and sees his wife in the kitchen cooking. He thinks to himself, “What a perfect opportunity to test her hearing.”
He stands in the doorway of the kitchen and promptly asks, “What’s for dinner honey?”
There’s no answer so he moves closer like the doctor told him.
“What’s for dinner honey?”
Still no answer so he moves even closer.
“What’s for dinner honey?”
Still his wife doesn’t answer. He now sees how serious her hearing problem is. At this point, he is stood right next to his wife as he says, “What’s for dinner honey?”
“FOR THE FOURTH TIME WE’RE HAVING CHICKEN!”
More Funny Jokes
If you enjoyed these funny old age jokes, remember to check out the rest of LaffGaff for lots more funny jokes such as these:
