Wine is one of the most popular drinks in the world, so it’s a serious business. And there’s nothing to whine about with these wine jokes – they’re grape! In fact, they’re di-vine; a barrel of laughs, you might say!
So raise your glass and enjoy this collection of funny wine jokes and puns.
24 Funny Wine Jokes & Puns
I’ve trained my dog to bring me a glass of red wine.
It’s a Bordeaux collie.
I’m a wine enthusiast.
The more wine I drink, the more enthusiastic I get.
I was sat with my wife while she sipped on her glass of wine, when she said, “I love you so much, you know. I don’t know how I could ever live without you.”
I said, “Is that you or the wine talking?”
She said, “It’s me talking to the wine.
The first thing on my bucket list is to fill the bucket with wine.
A drunk got on a bus one day and sat down next to a priest.
The drunk stank of wine, his shirt was stained, his face was all red, and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket.
He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple of minutes later, he asked the priest, “Father, what causes arthritis?”
The priest replied, “Mister, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man.”
“Imagine that,” the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologised. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?”
“I don’t have arthritis, Father,” the drunk said, “but I just read in the paper that the Pope does.”
Love the wine you’re with.
What did the grape say when it was crushed?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
I have joy in my heart and a glass of wine in my hand. Coincidence??
A priest was driving down the road one day when got stopped by a cop.
The cop smelled alcohol on the priest’s breath and saw an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He said to the priest, “Father, have you been drinking?”
The priest replied, “Only water, officer.”
The cop then asked him, “Then why can I smell wine?”
The priest looked at the bottle and said, “Good Lord! He’s done it again.”
It doesn’t matter if the glass is half empty or half full. There’s clearly room for more wine.
When you get a hangover from wine it’s called the grape depression.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and my flawless dance moves.
The secret of enjoying a good bottle of wine:
- Open the bottle to allow it to breathe.
- If it doesn’t look like it’s breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth.
It’s funny how 8 glasses of water a days seems impossible…
But 8 glasses of wine can be done in one meal.
I read today that winemakers have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.
The aim is to reduce the number of trips to the bathroom that older people have to make during the night.
They’re going to call it, “Pinot More”.
I heard it through the grapevine.
I recently went to my new doctor.
After two visits and exhaustive tests, he said I was doing ‘fairly well’ for my age.
I was a bit worried what he meant by that, so I asked him, ‘Do you think I’ll live to be eighty, Doc?’
He looked at me and asked me, “Do you smoke or drink beer or wine?”
I said, “No, nothing like that. And I don’t do drugs either.”
He looked at me again and asked me, “Okay, do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?”
I said, “No, my old doctor told me that all red meat is very unhealthy.”
He looked at me again and asked me, “Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?”
I replied, “No, nothing like that.”
He looked at me again and asked me, “And do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?”
I said, “No, nothing like that, Doc.”
He looked at me again and said, “Then why do you even care?”
Did you know that wine doesn’t make you fat?
It makes you lean….
Against tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly people.
This woman was driving home in Northern Arizona, when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
She stopped the car and asked the woman if she’d like a ride. The woman thanked her and got in the car.
After a few minutes, the Navajo woman noticed a brown bag on the back seat and asked the driver what was in the bag.
The driver said, “It’s a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.”
The Navajo woman thought for a moment, then said, “Good trade.”
I drank so much wine last night that when I walked across the dance floor to get another glass, I won the dance competition.
People say that drinking milk makes you stronger.
Drink 5 glasses of milk and then try moving a wall. Impossible?
Now drink 5 glasses of wine.
The wall moves by itself.
Every box of raisins is a tragic tale of grapes that could have been wine.
I can’t wait for the day when I can drink wine with my kids instead of because of them.
At Christmas time, there’s nothing I love more than sitting in front of a warm fire, mulled wine in hand, and singing Christmas songs until I slowly fall asleep.
Maybe that’s why I’m no longer a fireman.
“I’m sorry for throwing red wine over all your dresses in the wardrobe last night.” I told my girlfriend.
“I’ve spent all day getting the stains out just to show how much you mean to me.”
“Oh, that’s really nice,” she said. “What did you use to remove the stains?”
“Scissors.” I replied.
More Funny Jokes
If you enjoyed these funny wine jokes and puns, check the rest of LaffGaff for lots more really funny jokes too, like these:
